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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 - 2:03 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Blue Flames and Bathtubs

Hullo hullo!

Well, hope y'all liked that weird Children of God/ The Family plagiarism entry yesterday.
Today we're doing our very own artwork... gosh, imagine that. Made it up from the inspiration the good lord gave me without actually tracing anyone else's paintings! Gosh, maybe God loves ME more?! (sorry... humility humility).... well, here is the drawing for the renovation magazine article... ya should be able to guess the theme... grin!

Copyright 2005 wench77 eh!

Well, I, of course once again, should be working. hehe.
I am going to be going full steam ahead forward on the dog gang book. vroom vroom. I am trying to figure out if I want to try to do it in watercolor instead of my regular acrylic pigmented inks. I think not. I am a chickenshit. I think it is easier to do what my teacher calls glazes, in the acrylic inks since it doesnt lift up at all when you lay a new wash down over previously applied color. She assured me you can do the same in watercolor, but with the little experience I have now, I don't believe her. You have to go soooo lightly and carefully with the brush with the second wash or it picks up the previously laid down color. Not so good. Gets muddy, and disappears previous lovely artwork. dang. I am also trying to decide whether to go with either cold press or rough Arches paper... I usually use a different brand, but I am enjoying using the Arches in the watercolor class. The thing is that it is so rough that the pencil lines applied on detail are very crunchy... ie you can see the texture of the paper, and thin lines are pretty much impossible. Think drawing with a pencil on the sidewalk vs on paper. hmmm. But it works better with the watery mediums, ie stays wet longer to work the paint etc. decisions decisions.

Of course I cannot cut the paper and transfer the drawings til I make this decision. dang.

I did the bathtub picture here with Arches ...I think it is cold press. Rough is even crunchier in texture. hmmmmmm. Can be very nice but I don't do detail work in the watercolor class.. I work 22 by 30 inches in the class, vs 8x16 inches for this book on the double page spreads. Quite a difference in scale... ie people's heads are from a quarter inch to two inches tall vs 4 to 10 inches tall. Hmmmm.

Well, I hardly got any work done besides the two or three pages of comics, and this bathtub contract, since Friday. I went to Motorcycle Boy's party on Friday. It was quiet and fun. And then up on Saturday to go to Verdun for the DM workshop...

It was not quite what I expected... I guess I expected a more step by step training with actual practice of intervening etc... more like the CPR class. Instead it was more like a discussion of different scenarios. There were a few very lasting impressions made by the instructor's examples of unsafe behaviour we wouldn't necessarily think of. Apparently more people are hurt falling while they are bound than anything else in dungeon play. Ie walking on high heels behind someone with your hands tied behind your back... if you trip you can't put your hand out to break your fall, and end up landing on your head or something. If someone is tied to a cross, you should untie their feet first (and their head or neck.. .you don't want someone to fall and have them hanging!), and then work up... Apparently someone had untied the arms of their "victim" on such a cross and bent down to untie the ankles, and the "victim" lost their balance. SInce they were still tied by their ankles, they fell face first and smashed their nose and chin... he said there were teeth and blood all over the floor. Now that is an image that stays with you. Watch out for falls!! yikes!

Two things incredibly annoyed me. One was that people in the group (it was a presentation to our girl's play group) would say things like "well, that doesn't apply to us cuz we are such a closeknit group of friends". Bloody hell. You may note that the people saying that were the maybe 5-8 people who are all buddybuddy, who hang together and have dinner and visit and play and go out with eachother etc. I haven't had a personal conversation or a one on one coffee or meal with a single one of them (well one other girl in the group who attends sometimes I know from the Fetish Cafe years ago, and another who wasn't there I have played with personally)... but not one of the ones saying "we are such a closeknit group". Hell, it turns out there are now 75 members of the group, and the last time i went to a party, I only knew half the names of the 20 or 30 who were there. Closeknit. yeah. And anyways, not cuz you "know" someone that they will not do something stupid, will not make a mistake, will not suddenly act inappropriately or whatever. So dumb. In my experience, it is the people I know the best who always end up doing something uncalled for or unexpected.

The other thing was when someone would say "well, a responsible top would"... .or "a mature person wouldn't..." when a question was brought up. Well, in my experience that applies to about 10% of the population 100%of the time. Everyone else is responsible and mature in their actions and reactions about 60% of the time. The other times they are defensive when interrupted or corrected, they jump to the defence of friends and lovers inappropriately, they make silly mistakes, they are impatient, they are overtired, they are drunk, they are grumpy, they have ulterior motives that are unapparent etc.

So when someone says "what do you do if the person shrugs off your advice or admonishment when you are the DM?" and instead of letting the instructor answers, interrupts with "well, any responsible top would react maturely and politely discontinue doing what they are told to discontinue"... well, aren't we living in an ideal world.

In this ideal world, ob's Mme would've negotiated something with me about that fetish party they went to. In an ideal world, ob would have come clean it was a fetish party, not a meeting, and that she might not be back til midnight or 2am. In this ideal world the professional domme who was training ob would have taken me into consideration as her girlfriend when inviting her to spend a night with her. In this ideal world I wouldve been not made to wait with no idea if it were for five minutes or an hour by this same "responsible trained Top". In this ideal world, no one would have hidden things, been greedy, stood anyone up, overstepped negotiated boundaries and time limits, shouted, nonconsensually gone into scene mode, etc etc.

Yeah right. I don't want to go to workshops to know how to deal with the perfect world of responsible mature people who are considerate and patient. I want to go to workshops to learn how to deal with real life situations and conditions and people as they are. Where friends get resentful and exes pull weirdness, where you might be the previous playpartner who they really don't want to even see on the premises let alone listen to when you are the person in charge, when someone is overwrought and has just smoked pot on top of drinking. Dang.

So, the discussion at the DM workshop was mostly great, the guy was interesting and personable, but I was a bit disappointed, and don't really feel "trained" as a DM now. oh well.

In the evening there was an Edgeplay workshop. By the same guy, who is one of the organisers of Black Rose in the States. That is a big weekend long playparty thingie in a hotel. Sort of like the TO Kink I went to up here. It was a great workshop.

He talked about how everyone has a "green" zone of things that they are comfortable with, things they have done before, or know they enjoy. This area is different for everyone. Someone may only be interested in kissing, soft touching and licking women's feet. Getting tied up might be a "well, I MIGHT be willing to try it under the right conditions". We would call the "might be willing" area to be the "yellow" zone.

Someone else might be really open to just about anything, and has tried just about anything under the sun. His yellow zone may be more like "nothing that causes bodily injury such as needing stitches or emergency care".

The "red" zone is what you absolutely will not do. For the first guy it might be quite large... no blood, no genital sex, no homosexuality, no crossdressing, no fire, nothing public. For the second guy it might just be no broken bones or serious bodily injury. Ie he might even be into something under certain conditions that need a stitch, but please don't give him a concussion! It also may be something like "nothing in front of my parents or kids".

Most people are in the middle somewhere, with their green zone looking more like a slice of swiss cheese... You might like fire... as long as you are not tied down at the same time. Or you might like being hit, but not on the face if you are feeling vulnerable. And being hit on the face when you are feeling strong and you really like the person doing it, might be yellow for you... swiss cheese.

Anyways, edge play is playing with the edges of these things... pushing the edges of green into the yellow, and then pulling back into the green so the person relaxes and has fun, and then pushing into the yellow again.

If all goes well, trust will build, the person will do things they never imagined themselves doing... whether it is as small as enjoying being stroked with a feather, or as big as being held off the ground by hooks through their flesh.

He did some fun demos... on a girl he is involved with. She has a thing for NO TICKLING THE FEET!!! , so he would spank her butt, which she likes, then start tickling her, and she would be like giggling and kicking and no no no!!! and he said to tell us what they had done that morning, and she was like NO NO NO!! and he was like "i'll tickle your feet!!" ... it was very funny. Kind of teasing. Anyways she finished by telling us, he actually never DID tickle her feet... but he was like "see, you told, and you are fine!". It was funny.

Later he did another demo with her. She is very afraid of fire, and he was all nice and calming to her, and put his hand in rubbing alcohol and then into a flame, so it looked like his fingers were on fire. He kept caressing her with out the fire, and then putting his fingers in the flame, and then finally touching the flame to her skin... playing with her limits... pushing her to confront her fear, without going to where she said "red" which means stop. She said "yellow" a couple of times and he would stop and do something she liked to regain trust and give her a break.

It was very cool and intense, as well as beautiful to watch, since the lights were out and there was this blue flame coming directly from his fingers. It was an amazing way to play with fire... I have only seen it played with implements before... and he doesn't use firesticks or gauze held with clamps or anything, just dipping his hands in alcohol. It looks like it is HIM on fire. Very intense.

Afterwards we got to ask lots of questions, and also to try putting our hands on fire like that. You can add some water to the alcohol so it burns not so hot... blue flame not yellow flame which is hotter (and also less pretty)... and it is cool, since it is on your hands, you can be sure how hot it is nor not on the person you are playing with.

This totally was inspiring to me. I wonder if I can wandangle Disappearing Boy into playing with fire. He might just think I am insane. hehe. Darn these "normal" people! :) Good thing he kisses well!

OK, that is enough for now.

No, I have a couple other things. It seems that the past two days I am some sort of open space for people to confide to. Someone told me about their mother being on her deathbed now... someone in the dog park who normally doesn't even really talk with me. Someone else told me all about their problems in their relationship, and someone else told me about a big falling-out mess with a good friend. It feels good when people feel they can confide in me.

Last night after getting home, the wind had died down, and when I walked doggies, she lay down on the frozen snow (yes, it is always frozen, but it melted last week and refroze on the top so it is like glazed) and just vegged out and licked it like a popsicle. So I lay down beside her and looked up at the stars in the clear night sky. It was beautiful lying there on the white white ice looking at the millions of stars... A beautiful night.

Well, now I DO have to get some work done.

And maybe find some time to stick my fingers in some fire! mmmmm

Do you think I'll ever have a fun friend like ob again?

I don't know.


ps, cool article about size and body image in bdsm (and life)... scroll down a wee ways to where it says "My name is Sadie and I am fat". Here is a cool website with articles about bdsm safety/ dangers and things to watch out for (probably best for over 18 eh).

And here is an interesting site sent to me today about masturbating for peace. Now it says that masturbation is the greatest expression of self-love and I'm not so sure about that. Quite frankly I think eating well, and sleeping enough are probably greater bodily expressions of self love. It also seems to think that people get off sexually (and esp in their minds while they masturbate) while thinking nonviolent peaceful thoughts.. I have no idea where they get that idea. I mean "make love not war" is cool cuz it says "make love" which is not "have sex, not make war"... which could cover rape and all sorts of shit. Same with masturbation... I mean if you jerk off thinking about molesting the five year old next door, or gunning down Iraqis and humiliating them or something, I think well, you may as well help world peace by going to war and hopefully getting shot yourself in the first day or two before you can do any damage. (sorry!... sort of). But if you masturbate while thinking lovely peaceful love thoughts then I suppose it is a good world peace thing. So go and masturbate for peace.

Personally, being the sort of fan that I am, I got stuck in the Masturbation Horror section. LOL! Be careful when you are alone eh!!

Here is my horoscope for Sunday, January 16:

You'll do whatever you can for the world to match your vision of its potential. Assume that everyone is doing his or her best. They don't always agree with your priorities or share your stamina. Work around it.

Wow, I should print that on a little placard I dangle from my head or a hat in front of my eyes all day long. Work around it. They don't always agree with my priorities or share my stamina. And yeah, I guess I try (when I'm not sleeping or dicking around or being depressed) to do whatever I can for the world to match my vision of its potential. And for people I care about to. Sigh. Work around it, wenchie, work around it. cheers to me, hugs, wenchola patola

Dang! here I am stuck on the women's masturbation tips... shit the things I waste time on finding links for you people! jeesh! Hmm, I gotta go now and get one of them Goody hairbrushes.... btw electric toothbrushes are great too.....

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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