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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Jan. 16, 2004 - 4:23 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Baton Relays are a Team not a Solo Sport

having a moment.

I just read perceptionss' diary.

And could relate too well. In that everytime I think I shall hop into something I feel I fall flat. And it has something to do with something wrong with me. I know this is a dangerous road to travel down, that ends up with my hating myself and crying in my bed. That undermines my ebullience and happiness, my outgoing bossy getthings done personality.

It is this feeling that comes from things like what I wrote about tonight. It comes from feeling that there must be some reason why I lose people, and projects to others. It cannot just be the other "hoarding" them. I mean if M*dori really wanted to go for coffee with me, she would schedule it in, non? I don't know.

So then I start checking everything like an obsessive maniac... did I talk too loud? Was I snarky about the latex model taking time? Am I boring? Do I interrupt, take too much space, talk too loud, ask inappropriate questions? What did I do wrong?

Supposedly I did nothing wrong. I was myself. Well then why do people turn away from me to the next person?? It is hard on my ego, and then it becomes hard on my self-esteem.

It is silly and dumb I suppose. But it makes me sad. And it makes me not want to stick my neck out. And it makes me pessimistic about future projects. It makes me feel why would anyone want to do coffee, dinner, a project, or life with me, when someone else is around... surely they will be interested in my idea... but then someone else grabs the baton out of my hand.

The image in my mind is of the relay runner, who has passed on the baton. They don't keep running do they?? They sort of stop running and wander. In my case it feels like people grab the baton, then run across the finish line, and get the gold ribbon for themselves, even though they only carried it part of the way.

In the olympics, all the relay runners are one team. But in real life it seems that the one who takes the baton acts like you are jealous and possessive and needy of recognition if you want to stay in olympic village too, be in the photo op, or have a beer together afterwards.

I am having a moment. It feels small and cold and vulnerable and sad in my solar plexis.

That is all. I am going to have a grilled cheese and call in the morning.

But I still feel like it is humiliating to have to ask, rather that to have it offered.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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