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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004 - 9:00 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Hiding in my Bed

I don't know how I am feeling.

I don't feel sad, necessarily, or happy. I don't feel out of it, or depressed, or even lonely.

I feel quiet.

I am avoiding my work like the plague. I WILL sit now and work again. But it is 9pm and all I have done today is slept. Well, I did book a train ticket to Toronto next weekend... I suddenly realized today was the limit for 7day advance tickets.

But other than walking the dog and eating three pieces of pizza I have done nothing.

I think if I didnt have this work, I would be putting photos in albums. Something calmly and quietly solitary.

I was supposed to go to the Fet*sh Cafe tonight. Tom of Vermont was supposed to be there with a new sub. But I don't feel social or antisocial.

I guess it is an advance to not feel desperate to see people. To not feel heartrendingly lonely. To feel just quiet and wanting to be alone at my house.

But it doesnt seem to advance me in any life goal.

I guess I should not worry about it. But I do a bit. I feel the world zooping by. And the weird thing is a large part of me doesnt care.

Is this how I end up with a brother who lived out of the farthest room in the basement when he had the choice of the house? And a mother who ended up with first clinical depression and then later chronic fatigue, so she ended up being more asleep than awake?

I don't know if it has anything to do with it. But isolating myself may be good. Or bad. In that I dont develop friendships or acquaintanceships or anything by doing so. Or become an interesting person.

No one writes me comments. Well, hi Onewetleg! I guess that just goes to show that diarylanders are just really very nice but disparate people scattered in the universe... we lose our internet connection and we're gone. Family or other obligations and we're out of here. Hmmm. Nice but not to be relied on I guess.

.... a few moments later... my ex Black just called to wish me happy new years. That's nice. It turns out that M*dori is going to be staying at his place while she's here in town. That's cool... he's a good and attentive host. I am a wee bit jealous, since of course I'd love to put her up at my place. But he is centrally located, large apartment, and a car so he can drive her around. Sigh.

Well, gonna work now. Hi to everyone.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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