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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Apr. 06, 2006 - 10:31 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Promo Snow Climbing and Stress

There was snow again.

It was beautiful. Not piles of snow, just snow everywhere. Stuck on all the tree branches, and on the grass that isn't green yet. About an inch of snow. When you walked in the park it was all muffled and soft like a spongy carpet. Very nice. Doggies was very happy... I don't have really high hopes of her lasting another year so she got to have maybe her last snow. I threw little balls of it up in the air for her to catch, and then gave her a leg massage and tummyrub while she lay in it and licked at it out of the side of her mouth.

Now it is all gone.

So is the tree branch, huge tree branch, that blew down the day it rained then snowed and winded all the whole day before the snow. The wind that banished the sun and summer weather that melted the old dirty icy snow, and brought a wave of cold and new fresh white fluffy snow. The tree branch that was a squirrel's house with fluffiness inside and the perfectly round knothole door, and the baby squirrels all fat and pudgy and mewling like little kittens. Gone. I never had the guts to squish those baby squirrels' heads and put them out of their cold little broken fallen down house misery. I was hoping that their mommy would come and carry them to a neighbor squirrel's house. Or the squirrel red cross headquarters. I bet it didn't happen, and they fell to the cold and the city workers' chainsaws. I'd rather not think about it.

Lately I am super stressed out.
Still no calls for work. Where are all my clients?
Did I totally alienate them last year when they called and for TEN MONTHS I was a stuck record of "no time, sorry, South Korean contract, sorry, your contract is signed but you will have to wait for months, sorry, South Korean contract, sorry, I regret to inform you I am totally engaged with the South Korean contract, yes it was supposed to be done a month three months five months ago but it is not, that darn South Korean contract". Yup, that could be the problem.

Or maybe all our jobs are going to new fresh faces and pens, or maybe to India and Mexico. While I am working for South Korea.

Anyways, I scanned in a bunch of my young readers novel work and made lovely promo pages of one book cover and three or four interior black and white drawings per book, and I am printing them out now while I write. And then write cover letters and paste pictures on the front of folders and address envelopes and send them all out. Dang. And then they one day MAY inspire someone to hire me.

I am hoping. One must have faith as a self-employed illustrator.

But better than faith is a second job. I no longer have a second job. I need to go to school to learn plumbing or electrical. that is what I tell new aspiring illustrators. Except everytime I think to do that myself I get work before I can actually do it. Knock on wood.

I have been hanging more with artsyguy again. He is again pleasant like at the start, and now I am not entaining the thought of coparenting with him, his manias of clothes scattered across the kitchen and livingroom floor, never shutting off lights or closing cupboards or deciding before last minute what he is doing impact me less. But it is nice to eat supper with someone, or talk about my day, or make coffee in the morning or cuddle. Really it is. (ok and a little sex with good kissing is better than no sex and no kissing) Sometimes maybe we settle. He is cute. And can sing and play guitar. And likes my cooking. We may go climbing tonight. He and his son will go first and then when I am finished my accreditation test I can join them. The kid says its ok.

He was cute... the kid, rollerboy. He knocked on my door last night... I thought it was the plumber, but it was rollerboy. Wanted to know if he could bang around my punching bag in the basement. Sure, no problem. Too funny. The plumber arrived soon afterwards, and was nearly in tears he was so happy that I had done all the work of removing the builtin cupboards, pulling out all the loose plaster off the whole entire wall and half the ceiling, cutting the lathes to expose the plumbing he needs to work on. Now it is all clean for him to do the work.

I would have thought he'd knock off a couple hundred dollars for me doing all that, but somehow he said about$400 before, and now he is saying $500. I dunno. Maybe cuz now I asked if he could put in a ceiling light and lights NOT just a regular bulb over my mirror, now that the walls are open. And maybe replace the sink, which is designed so that any water near the back is routed to the front, NOT into the sink but onto your feet. yeah. great design. It is the single most annoying daily thing in my house. The bathroom sink that directs all errant water onto your feet. ack. But yikes $500. Did I mention that I am $4000 short for paying my income taxes for last year, AND have no work?? Did I mention that??

But my bathroom will not look like shit for the first time in um, 7 years. It is a real mess. Ideally I would tear out the whole thing... they put up a fake wall in front of the window to put in the plumbing for the toilet and bath, and that should be torn out. The floor under the bath is totally rotten from them having made the holes for the shower and taps too large so they leaked. They put fake tile wallboard on the lower 5feet of the walls to cover falling plaster. But I will have one nice wall, and have the cupboards redone (I'll have to build them) and paint the whole thing (I will paint it), and new lights and sink maybe. And I'll change the tiles on the floor. yeah. At least the part of the work re the plumbing should be deductable since it is the cold water supply for the tenants appartments that is leakiing and needs replacing. Yay.

OK, done printing out my promo pages, gotta go gotta go.
Wish me some work.
Real work.
Wellpaying work.
Lots of it.


Dear Wenchie,
Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, April 6:

Been feeling like you need to get some romance back in your life, but aren't quite sure how to go about it? Never fear -- the stars turn up the heat in the relationship department. Expect your fizzle to turn to sizzle.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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