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Reading: "Lullaby" by Chuck Palahniuk, for the second time.

Second Quote of Today

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 8:50 p.m.

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Cut elbows and Viral Veal

Well this is the entry I wrote last night. I shall try to put in most of what was on my mind, and then write another entry later tonight for today.

Jump down to entry addition of 2:28am

Well, I finally cut myself properly with my straight razor. It is less clutzyness than risk-taking. I shaved my left arm from my shoulder to my wrist, both legs from crotch to ankle, and even my belly (mmm, smooth, round, nekkid, soft...) and then, having no other victim and no other body parts condusive to shaving that I could get my right hand on... I switched hands, and shaved my right arm left-handed. And yes, I chopped my elbow, as you can see. Ahh, it was bound to happen! You know there is no shave like a straight razor shave. Where are the victims for me to practice on? mmm... victims, victims....

I am now rereading Chuck Palahniuk's book "Lullaby" (haha... I"ve learned my lesson... I will put in the links to amazon under "edit", not now.... haha: 2:18 am... links are in...). It is seldom that I reread a book, prefering to throw myself into another pageturner. Much like real life where you do not know what is going to happen next. Rereading a novel is sort of like reliving your life, once you have the hindsight. Now with Lullaby, this is a treat, since there are threads and strings and little bits of crazyglue residue sticking to your fingers which harken forward and back. It really is a little gem. I love how he manages to ground the book in a very solid reality through detail and believable characters, and yet have us swallow flying, levitation, thinking someone to death, occupying someone else's body and many other magical happenings. He creates a totally convincing world.

Though some reviewers say he beats you over the head with ideology. Well, that may be true. But I do that myself, so I perhaps just enjoy that. Like a preacher who just looks at you blankly when you say the bible is preachy. hah.

Personally I think I am unfortunately too much like Oyster, the annoying negative pagan boyfriend who constantly points out the woes of the world to the protagonist. Here is a quote:

"Imagine a plague you catch through your ears.... Imagine an idea that occupies your mind the way an army occupies a city....After listening to Oyster, a glass of milk isn't just a nice drink with chocolate chip cookies. It's cows forced to stay pregnant and pumped with hormones. It's the inevitable calves that live a few miserable months, squeezed into veal boxes. A pork chop means a pig, stabbed and bleeding as it's sectioned into chops and roasts and lard. Even a hard-boiled egg is a hen with her feet crippled from living in a battery cage only four inches wide, so narrow she can't raise her wings, so maddening her beak is cut off so she won't attack the hens trapped on each side of her. With her feathers rubbed off by the cage and her beak cut, she lays egg after egg until her bones are so depleted of calcium that they shatter at the slaughterhouse.

This is the chicken in chicken noodle soup, the laying hens, the hens so bruised and scarred that they have to be shredded and cooked because nobody would ever buy them ina butcher's case. This is the chicken in corn dogs. Chicken nuggets.

This is all Oyster talks about. This is his plague of information. This is when I turn on the radio, to country and western music. To basketball. Anything, so long as it's loud and constant and let's me pretend my breakfast sandwich is just a breakfast sandwich. That an animal is just that. An egg is just an egg. Cheese isn't a tiny suffering veal. That eating this is my right as a human being.

Here's Big Brother singing and dancing so I don't start thinking too much for my own good"
pp157-58 "Lullaby" Chuck Palahniuk

You see, that is not very subtle. And yes, this is me. Infecting people with the virus of my information. Information they don't want. They tell me I talk too much. I am negative. I think too much. And I probably turn them away from me and towards their radios and tvs. hah. Oh well. That is one thing I respected about ob... she was concerned enough after reading "Diet for a New America" to stop eating meat. I admired her ideals. The number of bad grill cheese sandwiches she ate in restaurants when they were the only non-meat choice on the menu. (let's not talk about what cheese is made of though, eh!)

One thing I don't really agree with in this book is the way that the protagonist is always going on about the world drowning in sound. He calls people quietophobes, silencephobic, listenphobic, noiseaholics etc etc. Now that is partly true. Though I think it is more true for tv than for music or esp for radio. I do think that people listen. It is strange to call someone a listenophobe when you think that if there were silence they would think. Now does he want people to listen or does he want them to think in silence? I realize those are not mutually exclusive, but he so goes on about how great silence is, and then says people should listen. I also think it is strange that he thinks without music and tv there would be silence.

He mustnt get out to the countryside often. Yes, nature is very noisy. Very very noisy. The waves on the beach, the wind in the trees, birds screeching, frogs croaking, crickets and grasshoppers, rain on the leaves and waterfalls. It is very hard to talk over some of these things I tell you. Nature is noisy. The last time I took my dog camping she barked at noises all night. Natural noises. Funny, but in the city where I live it is quieter. Yards are too small to have a plethora of leafblowers and ride-em lawnmowers. Strangely there isnt even a lot of loud music. And there is not enough nature to be noisy. A few birds, but not whole flocks. Maybe one cricket, no frogs. A tree here and there, but not enough to be deafening in rain, except for when I walk my dog in the park. The grass is too short to harbour wild animals. Mostly there are just cats fighting and in heat. They are noisier than anything manmade in my area. Have you ever heard mating porcupines? Or bellowing bull moose? mmm.

Well, I can see that the loose time I had has run out... must run to the men's leather bar (girls nite tonight) to do a runthrough of my piece for next wednesday night (the slave to domme transformation to Klaus Nomi)... I'll integrate my doggywalkies with that tonight. I'll be back later, and add in some links for the books etc.

2:28 amHere I am again. I was just going to add in some links to ol' Chuck's books before I got down to work. (The dress rehearsal at the L'Aigle Noir went very well... the dj loved it as did a couple other people... one tiny young dyke with a pool cue and beer on the breath asked if the girl I was talking to was my partner, cuz she was wanting to flirt with me, but didnt want to step on any toes.. so cute (in a dysfunctional care bear sort of way...too drunk, too young) But of course I start looking for a link for Chuck, and find this interview, and got into reading it. Here's a little quote:

"As a child my father impressed upon me that if you are going to do stupid things you are going to have to pay the price. Once he actually threatened to chop off my finger with an axe for something I'd done. And at that moment it became incredibly clear to me that I am a cause in my own life, that I had to take responsibility for myself for the rest of my life, and not blame anyone for the things that I did. I was not going to blame anyone. If I wanted something to happen, I was going to make it happen. I was going to be the cause. You may forget those defining moments, but you still act out of those decisions. And I think that is one reason I've been very proactive in my life, because of that one afternoon, when it became really clear that I am responsible for me."

. Read the rest of this interview on

My defining moment like that, not in childhood, but in adulthood, was when I realized that I was angry with my brother of committing suicide at 24, and not using or developing his talents and his intelligence. And I realized that everything that I was angry at him for, I was angry at myself for. I was working at a fine arts supply store sticking scotchtape over computer codes on pencils. Yup. And it is after that realization that I try to go THROUGH my fears and hesitations and do things. People say "you do so many things" and "how do you have so much energy" and "I wish I had your guts/ wasnt shy like you" etc. Well hell, I've fuckin worked on it.

Before my brother's death I had a college education (thanks to parents who started paying into one of those save for college things when I was tiny), but I worked at a coffeeshop, then as a foot courier, at Burger King and at the fine arts store. But I didnt do anything with my art or talents. I was just angry at the fucking world.

Since my brother died, I started my massage business to make cash while I started my illustration business. I also did self-published minicomics and contributed to zines and books. I started working towards getting a kid, and totally went through all the shit... medical, financial... persevered to try to get pregnant. I did well enough in illustration to buy this house. I started working on my stage fright by doing performance. Took Swedish classes and tango, German classes and flamenco. Travelled. Threw myself wholeheartedly into love when it popped its head up.

I still have moments of despair and anger. But I sometimes forget just how much I HAVE done in the past 14 years. And it took that kick in the butt of losing my kid brother. Don't be angry with the world cuz you don't do what you want. Don't wish and hope. Try to do it. Small steps. Scary scary steps. Two steps back and one step forward. And then one step back and one step forward, and finally stand in place and hesitate, and then leap forward. sigh.

I just wish now that I couldve given what I learned from my brother TO my brother. oh well.

Gotta get some work done tonight. I MAY put another entry together before bed or not. Really didnt mean to start going on here at this time of night, once I'd rewritten last night's lost entry.


5:47 am well it IS later. But I am going to bed. I actually have to be across town at 4pm, so cannot be eating breakfast at 5pm... Bear is coming along. Some scans tomorrow.zzzzz love to me, and a hug. Sometimes I really wish i had someone to cuddle with. Or someone to call, like when ob used to call me for a "goodnight tuck-in". mmm. tuckin to myself. zzzzz.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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