Music today: The Murmurs: The Murmurs
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005 - 4:19 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
Thank God for Children
Don't know what to say.
Thank god for children?
Egads, how easily my emotions and thus whole reaction from bodily to mentally are influenced?
Eeps, am I setting myself up for happiness or disaster?
Yes, I am resurfaced from the depths of self-pity and depressive crying and snark.
Thank god for children.
I bumped into rollerboy while bringing my doggy back from walkies around suppertime, and asked if he wanted to come over to get the roleplay games and books I found in the garbage here last week (someone had thrown out half of their apartment and all us dogwalkie people were grabbing things going 'omg, someone is throwing 'this' out?! Dang!!). Yup.
So he came over. I expected him just to stand at the door and I'd give him the boxes.
Best case scenario... he told his dad I gave him that stuff I mentioned last week, and his dad eventually called me.
Worst case scenario... he told his dad and his dad calls me and says "leave my kid alone".
Actual scenario?
We started looking at drawing stuff, I showed him dip pen nibs I have, and he expressed interest in trying out the ones I use for my work. So I gave him a nib and a holder, but the holder had dried ink in it, so I had to scrape it out for the nib to fit in...
As I did that, he um, well, called his dad to say where he was.
'Dad, I'm at wenchie's. At wenchies. Wenchie. WENCHIE DAD, WENCHIE, I'm at WENCHIE's"
"ok"
"My dad wants to know if you'll come for supper"
silence.
more silence.
can I go over.
can i be trusted to be civil or friendly without snark
or letting it show how bummed i am, or how depressed last week, and thus making the situation worse by appearing the needy desparate emotionally unstable idiot i actually am. letting it show how hurt i was, and thus that he doesn't make me happy right now but he hurts me. ack.
should i go over.
silence.
waiting.
I say ok.
So, well, it was a little bit um, well, engaging without engaging, no eyecontact from me for the first little bit. Fortunately there was tearing of lettuce, clearing of tables, hacking and spitting of green slime on the part of rollerboy etc. Ya know. normal shit that helps to clear the air. No I didn't reply to 'how are you" but showcased my ever increasing skill to respond with 'how are YOU doing?"
He's ok, disliking his job, which used to be pretty relaxed and now becoming more corporate.
Food.
Discussing of food.
Discussing of this and that.
A beer.
The simpsons (thank god again for children... rollerboy wanted to watch the simpsons, and so artsyguy sat next to me on the couch while I finished my beer while the simpsons made us laugh). There was a hand on a knee.
Hand on knee is good.
At least it does not spell the coming of 'friend' vs 'possible more than...'.
My hand was next to my leg, next to the hand on my knee. I touched his hand with my thumb.
I guess that says that hand on the knee is not unwelcome.
I watched some more futurama with rollerboy while artsyguy worked a bit on his music. rollerboy went to bed (reading I guess, what with hacking green slime) and there was some looking at artysguy's music program on the puter. A few minutes. I put my coat on to leave. Saying goodbye, later.
Some tentative sort of body language. y,all know what i mean. proximity. a look. a smile. head movements that would not be unfamiliar on a cat or a dog who likes you. A kiss. a smell.
Relief.
This is not just 'stay away from me, be my friend'.
Some kissing.
Thankyou for the dinner invite.
Thankyou for accepting.
I considered twice before accepting.
I'm glad you came.
We'll take it slow.
A nod.
I guess I'll be ok with time.
Don't cross me out.
I won't.
You were going to give me a guitar pick to see if I could use it to transfer my drawings instead of my thumbnail?
Oh yeah, sure... here are the kinds of picks I have...
Much discussion of different guitar picks and how they are and are not like thumbnails in shape, texture and function.
I'll call you, or you drop by, ok??
ok
Home.
Incredible how one invite to dinner can turn around one's mood.
Doggies is very happy. Wenchie was back to growling and pulling and shaking her leash as doggies likes it when we play in the park. Wenchie has definitely been a lackluster play companion for the past week. Dismal at the growling and pulling and shaking, to say the least.
Doggies is relieved.
We'll take it slow.
Wenchie is back.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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