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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Sunday, Nov. 27, 2005 - 2:22 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

False Positive

Remember the night of the 'have a crush on you' 'it's mutual' ending with the 'yeah, you can come over and work while I work on my music, I can find you a lamp'? with mr artsyguy? The night of me giving his kid cartooning lessons?

Well, the next evening at suppertime (ie the same time he has called me or I have dropped by, when we arranged dinner, the cartoon lesson, etc etc etc), I dropped by on my way to walk doggies, before I came home for supper... to ask if he was planning on working on his music that night (cuz I have work I had to finish for the next day, which would have been compatible with visiting, unlike much of the work I need to do at home in my studio).

ahhhh. well, apparently it was a bad idea. He was all, had a shitty day, fight with the boss, i just got home what do you want i don't know I haven't even eaten yet, for heaven's sakes blah blah.

Well, he has had shitty days before, but it is the first time that instead of getting 'i have had a shitty day, come in and i will blather about it', i got 'you are totally intruding on me and really what the hell do you want you are adding to my shitty day' attitude. It was very um, bucket of cold water.

I left then while he was speaking to his kid about homework. (after all, me too, I hadn't even gotten home yet, doggy waiting outside for walkies, not eaten etc... the whole idea was just to see yes or no if later was ok for coming over. a 'no, another time' would have sufficed).

I went over later around 9:30 after much prevaricating, to say, that really I don't mind he has a bad day, but I don't really feel like being made to feel totally out of line to ask to do something he expressed interest in doing 24 hrs previous. Please just tell me if you want me to come back another time. I considered not saying anything, but he had previously said that he didn't like things to fester and if he had something to say he'd go over to someone's house and knock on the door right away and say what was up, it isn't ok. so, that decided it. I went over to say. Thinking he probably had destressed a bit, eaten etc.


well, I threw myself into the cesspool it appears. He came out with: he still has feelings for his ex, it is only two weeks since they have broken up (wtf??), he doesn't know if it is finished or what, but he doesn't want to overlap things, he is unavailable right now emotionally, he needs space, he wants to be alone, his ex had asked to come over tonight too, he can't deal, he might lose his job, he might lose his apartment, if it was just a question of a breakup it would be one thing, but it is more complicated than that, please he wants to be alone, he is not emotionally available etc etc".


So, being the nice smoothing things over idiot that I am, I said 'look, it's ok, I keep my friends eh' (meaning well, look, my ex from 1988 is still hanging around being a friend and sometimes fooling around, really, i don't just drop people). He took my hands, looked into my eyes and said 'I would be honoured to be your friend', I replied, 'it would be my pleasure' and he replied 'and my son too'.
What sort of idiot am i?? I don't want to be his friend? I want to go out with him. ACK!!!

And then he said something like 'well, at least we didn't do anything' or something like that.
Ouch. yeah. I have been feeling things out, checking out whether there is another girl in the environs (didn't seem to be and then two weeks ago there was the bit about 'my ex is coming over and crying cuz she doesn't accept us being friends and it is exhausting and getting on my nerves'... not 'i broke up with her yesterday' ack!)

He said something like 'don't let this be working in your mind all night tonight' and I reassured him I really was just coming over to ask to hang and get some work done when I dropped by earlier and still had all that work to do, I'd do it at the coffeeshop... blah blah.

So it ended with him showing me the door.

And then a half hour later I lost it.

I don't know. That 'nothing happening' between us really hurt. The 'unavailable' right the next day after kissing and crushing was hard. I dunno. It was like my infertility. It is like a false positive on a pregnancy stick and getting your period the next day. When you get the ultrasound with the hormones and the doctor says 'oh, look, four good ovums, you have to prepare for the idea of twins'... and you spend two weeks all happy, hoping for the best THIS TIME after ALL THAT ZIPPO, and you start thinking of TWO babies, you start thinking of clothes and the room, and the furniture and and and... and you imagine it and how it will affect your life.

And then you pee on the stick after two weeks and get a positive. and even though you don't tell everyone yet, you are obviously happy and people remark on it, and you tell one or two close friends, omg I think it worked! I think I'm going to have a family! And you are floating and thinking, of course, now when I didn't expect things to work it has finally clicked!!

And then the next day all day you are walking around the streets looking at your happy face in store windows, and smiling at people pushing babies thinking Me Too Soon!!! omg omg is it really true?? Can I hope can i hope??

And then that night before bed you start to feel crampy. And you go, no, no, surely it is just indigestion, and you drink some soda.

And then two hours later you go to the bathroom and there is the blood, and you fall that much farther than the previous four times when you got a negative when you peed on a stick instead of a positive. And all the pain of the past years comes flooding back. And the twins is suddenly an empty room, and your last month of hormone treatment is up, and the only thing next is a waiting list for invitro for thousands of dollars, and you just feel you have no energy to continue, and you cannot deal anymore with hopes dashed.

And everyone is like, but what the hey, it's not like you were really pregnant! Or like you had a kid and they died! Heck it was only the start of something. Really, why the hell were you even looking at babies on the street and thinking, oh, I might be a mommy soon. Don't be silly, you were only positive for a day, big deal. Start again in two weeks. As soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant.

That is what I feel like. Like I have just this long long long long string of relationship failures. Of people who show interest and then decide that their highschool sweetheart was actually the one, not me, that their ex wants to get back together. Or they want to be friends and then get a crush on me, and their lover/girlfriend/boyfriend/bestfriend gets jealous and so they stop being friends with me. The infertility of 6 years cannot even begin to rival the string of aborted possible relationships and the dearth of actual 'being together'. And usually it is 'you're so great, can we still be friends?' or 'you're so wonderful and intelligent and you'll make a great girlfriend and a fantastic mom, and well, really, you are such a catch, goodbye!" Really. Like being told your cv is great, you are totally qualified for the job, but someone else has seniority, sorry.

At least if your cv is bad, you can rewrite your cv. If you're not qualified for the job you want, you can take some training and try again. But in this sort of case, the fact that the other person is interested just causes trouble.

Now if I had known that he was not available, I never would have been considering him from all angles. I would not have invited him and the kid for dinner, I would not have hung out there til his bedtime multiple nights. I never would have accepted the invitation to meet his daughter. I never would have imagined massages when he said he gave massages, or climbing together when he said he wanted to buy real climbing shoes. I never would have kissed in the hallway, or admitted I liked him. I would have just been friendly like I have been the past three years and then if at sometime in the future he was free, I would have checked it out. (which of course was what I thought I was doing).

If nothing had happened, I could be friends and there could be something in the future.

But now it is weird to be friends. Now if I hang out, it will feel like being clingy, or wanting him to be with me, he will pull away cuz instead of just his ex applying pressure and wanting a relationship, he will feel I am too. yay. too needy emotional girls for the price of one.

If being 'friends' works, then that's it. Friends. If I successfully turn off all romantic aura, we will be buds and I will be so so sad. OK I am already so so sad. But really, once again I will be the friend with a crush in the three weddings and a funeral movie. The good pal. You know she loves you, and thus she's not available to anyone else, but you want the other girl. Yay, I have done this before so many times. I am really sick of being friends to people I want to date. Really really really sick of it. Sick of their happiness and their coupledom, and then their inevitable families, and when they don't have time to do anything cuz them and the wife are taking the kids to the inlaws blah blah.

And I fear that if I just stay away altogether that will be it. I said I keep my friends, but most of those I keep I had something with for several months or years. Or we worked together for 6 months etc. We developed a friendship. Me and artsyguy just have about 5 weeks of 'feeling eachother out'. Coming into eachothers' houses and poking around. Standing in the kitchen with coats on talking for three hours. Having supper when there is a 12 yr old kid sitting between us. yeah. Friends.

I dunno.

I just feel like I ruined this. Or he ruined this. Encouraging me. Not letting on that he was still interested in her. But it was played all wrong in retrospect.

I guess I am rebound girl but not like for a month or an affair or anything. More like someone hitting a squash ball against your face from about five feet away. Smash and it's over before you can blink and all you are left with is a blind eye, lots of pain, and a distinct aversion to the person who is holding the racquet.

Right now if he came over and said he was thinking of me, I think I'd cry and cringe.

I feel like two and a half years of getting over my last bad breakup, and I am right back where I started from. Hurting. Mistrustful. Snarky. Cynical. Jaded.

And just a month ago I was happily singley celibate, just happily thinking of staying home with an adopted kiddo, shopping online for convertible carriages out of my budget, and thinking of what color to paint the baby room. Happy that I could report to the homestudy people that I feel over all my breakup, that I am not juggling dating or a sexlife. That I am happy at my age to stay at home and be a mom right now.

And instead I feel like, if I spend two nights crying instead of sleeping, crashing back down as soon as I lose something I didn't really have yet, how can I be sure that I can actually deal with a highrisk adoption? And what if someone arrouses my interest again when I am a new mom? Will I put the kid through me depressing and crying? (my dog really hates this. I keep forgetting and start sobbing, and she freaks out and starts crying and I have to rein myself in and be cheery and encouraging). I dunno. This really makes me doubt my life loss-load and how I will deal with more. I really crashed.

Right now I need to stay away from people. I am not nice when I am hurting. I snark back at comments and advice. I am either snide or pitiful when people ask how i am. And now I have to deal with all the people I saw the past week since the very encouraging dinner (remember I went out on the town after that dinner and saw many many people who all remarked I was so happy) and now they all want to know how it is going with the new guy.

And it is wreaking havoc on my work life. It is wreaking havoc on my sleeping. It is wreaking havoc on my energy level for projects. It is wreaking havoc on my love for life right now. I so didn't need this.

well, that is what is up.

ps, please don't say things like 'oh you'll meet someone else' 'oh you can try again next week' 'oh he sounds like a jerk' 'oh he wasnt the one, the right one will come along'. Just think about it in the context of losing a pregnancy or an adoption. And I hated it when people give you advice on how to stand on your head this time, or how it will work when you stop stressing, or how the right baby will come along etc... thanks.

Tomorrow I'll tell ya the story about the perogie and the punk.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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