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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Jun. 05, 2006 - 11:29 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Busy busy Feeling Fine

OK, I just finished cleaning artsyguy's house from one end to another... I didn't do the kid's room, and not the fridge nor microwave which are in the laundryroom. But he was having a freakout fit. He has freakout fits when I tell him he did something unacceptable towards me. You'd think I was accusing a totally innocent man of being an axmurderer, instead of a guilty man of having said something thoughtless. my gosh.

This is not the first time. But previous times I got angry, defensive, argued, made my point, or just got fed up and left (including the night we broke up). Fortunately this time it was preceded by him saying how he is not doing ok, and so when he started telling me to take my pie (rhubarb, homemade) and get out cuz he didn't want me to be his friend anymore, I just looked at him. I started dishing out the salad he'd made for dinner. I started eating. He left. I finished eating. Then I cleaned the whole house. I'd rather hoped he'd have his fit for quite awhile and be gone for hours, but he came back when I was only halfway through the dishes and again told me to get my ass out of his house. I ignored him and continued. I told him if he didn't like it he could either go into another room, go outside or go to my place, but since already I wasn't his friend anymore, things couldn't get much worse, so I may as well do what I want.

I would say it was funny, but it wasnt. It wasn't really that bad either. Somehow it didn't really touch me. It was kind of like watching a movie of someone overreacting. I had no clue if he was serious or not. I told him I was going to clean, since he had told me he had no desire or energy to clean his house, and he didn't need to pay me back, he could do something for someone else twenty years from now and it would be fine. I just let him sort of rage around me. I don't know what I would have done if he had physically ousted me, but he didn't, just sat looking defeated at the table. hmmm.

I got the whole kitchen cleaned, the bathroom from a-z, swept up, folded all the laundry (there was very little dirty laundry, but what there was I picked up), made the bed etc etc. Partway through he came up and said it was enough, and took away the broom, gave me a hug and apologized for yelling at me. I took the broom back and finished sweeping and moved on to the bathroom. He fell asleep on the couch while I was folding the socks, and woke up while I played with my brand spanking new Sony digital camera (very fun toy... $100 off the price, ie 33% off!! so it was only $200 cdn!!) He said he was going to bed and invited me to stay to sleep over and cuddle (I think that sex isn't part of his vocab anymore oh well), which I declined.

But it was I suppose an indication that he wasn't completely serious, at least afterwards though he may have been at the time, about me not being his friend anymore. hmmm. Anyways, it was interesting, sort of like an adult version of a little kid saying "you're not my mother, i hate you!!" which we all know is certainly how the kid feels at that moment of anger and frustration, but not the next day.

It is weird, while cleaning I had all these insights into my dad: I have a photo of him where he has what I call his mean face, from when I was about 16. I showed that photo to a therapist once and she said "he looks fed up and overwhelmed", which had never crossed my mind before. To me it was just visual proof that my dad was indeed mean. And I thought about that tonight. Artsyguy keeps saying he is fed up and overwhelmed... and I think it is true. I wondered how it might have been different in my life as a teenager if I had tried to ride out my dad's mood, or help him out, instead of arguing and expecting him to be nicer etc. It isn't that I DON'T expect someone to be nicer. I very much do. But telling them so they feel even more incapable and overwhelmed, a failure with the people they love as well as with all the other demands on them, just adds to it, and they get defensive and blaming and nasty. yup.

Anyways, I figured even if artsyguy was serious about not wanting to be my friend anymore, I wouldn't be pushed around by his mood, his words, his impulsiveness (which I have seen before with other people... he is really reactive, and then reflective and thoughtful the next day). I would make him see that he couldn't just push everyone away. Or rather, I wouldn't jump to it when he said to leave. I didn't know if I would ever see him again, but I figured the worst that could happen is he'd hate me and have a clean house. whatever. I dunno. maybe I am reading too many books about hurt children and adoption... that when they most lash out is when they need stability the most, someone NOT to bend to their angry manipulations, but just soldier through with what they really do need, which is someone to stay. I remember thinking when I read that about hurt kids who have been in foster care that that is how *I* feel.. that when I am mean to someone cuz I am in a bad mood, I just hate myself AND them and want to isolate, when what i REALLY want is someone to just plow through all my defenses and anger and selfhatred and be there anyways. Though I may kick and scream at them, what a relief to be able to kick and scream without someone leaving for once. Whatever.

I have no idea what will happen with artsyguy, I really am not making him my life's work. Really I am too busy for that. But I really don't intend to be flushed by someone in a fit reaction to me telling him he had been not so nice last Friday. I told him that when he is less depressed and angry and he STILL wants me not to be his friend, then I will actually listen to him. hmmm.

Other than that, I had a great day. It is sunny. I took doggies to the orthopedic vet and he made me really happy... her front end is in great shape... good flexibility, strong, good muscle mass, good reflexes. Her back legs aren't so bad except she has lots of pain in her hips. And all systems other than that are really healthy: lungs, heart, spine etc. So he says she would be a great candidate for the doggy wheelchair for her rear end that I was considering. Yay!! It will cost me a bundle, but at least she is not falling apart left right and center, only upper rear.

My neighbor gave me a thankyou card with pics of her baby I babysat on Monday and Thursday while she jobhunted, AND some perennial flowers: Lobelia, burgundy day lillies, and something else. Very nice.

I am having tons of fun playing with my new digital camera.. it is so great to be able to delete the bad photos, instead of developing them all in double and then wondering what the hell to do with them. Though I hope they can print them on real photo paper. Printing them at home with inkjet dyes just sucks the big time. And no I haven't uploaded any of them to diarylan yet. I am just thrilled so far that it is so EASY and didn't take ANY software installation, just ONE cable into my keyboard to download the pics from the camera to the puter. yay!! So great!

Sunday it was my friend Hotsauce's birthday. I am sorry I didn't go out to the fetish club in the evening so I could regale you with kinky tales, but I did go with him and another friend for sushi at a really lovely restaurant, with great service, ambiance, elegance, and excellent food. They have this one papillon (butterfly) sushi that they serve with drizzles of mustard mayonaise stuff instead of the standard ginger, soysauce, wasabi... utterly scrumptious, as was the tempura veggies and chicken. mmmm. A lovely day Sunday.

Dang what is WRONG?? I am not feeling anxious much, I am not depressed, I am not taking artsyguy personally, I am caught up on work, the dishes, laundry, my house is clean, the garden is in... hah!! must be the weather.

OK, I AM tired though.. gotta get some sleep... another busy day tomorrow.

OK OK so I lied. I found the energy and time to upload a couple photos. One of doggies, one of my amazing oriental poppies in the front yard, one of teapouring at the japanese restaurant, and another of some sushi with candle... the latter two were taking with the "candle" setting on my camera, which works really well. Once again, all images copyright 2006 wench77:

OK that's it for now! tah!!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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