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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 - 6:18 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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Where Your Foot Fell

It's 6:14 am.
I want to leave for the countryside to visit my friends at noon. What a laugh.
I am so tired.

I have been watching a video about the problems of adopting internationally... not the adoptions with all the bureaucracy, but rather, the children who are taken out of what they knew, and thrown into this new strange world. It is sobering, indeed it is.

I don't know if I can do this.

It is really like my sister who was adopted at a year and a half and then we had to give her up when she was 6. She just never decided she wanted to stay with us.

How you hate yourself when your child won't let you near, when she hides in the closet and screams for five hours and cringes when you look at her. When she mutilates herself and bites you when you come near.


And to think that now I wonder sometimes if I am doing ok.



ok, gotta get some sleep.
Off to hang with people who have a family. With kids that they planned for, had prenatal care, gave birth to, cared for since conception. hmmm.

It does indeed give oneself pause.

And it does make me grieve yet again.
Why no baby. Why.

I almost want to ask "what did i do wrong". Like it is some punishment. Some failing of some god somewhere.

But I know that isn't true.
It is like an ant that gets stepped on.

He just happened to be where your foot fell.

Like me.
Like those kids all around the world.

See ya in two days.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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