Monday, Jan. 23, 2006 - 1:32 p.m.
Cost of the War in Iraq
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Doom and Gloom
I just don't get it, really I don't.
Today I am just feeling depressed sort of. Anxious. Tired. Like I want to sleep away life.
The contractor was supposed to come today at 8-9am to start ripping out my kitchen ceiling. Yesterday I spent a gorgeous sunny afternoon pulling down my kitchen drapes, taking all the stuff off the top of the fridge, freezer, shelves, spice racks, etc, including all the fake plants I have stapled into the corners of the walls. Three huge boxes of shit that had been gathering oily dust for the past six years. Large things such as tupperware cake boxes, doubleloaf bread pans etc that I inherited from my mom since she moved to BC.
I finished cleaning up the stuff this am when I got home from artsyguy's, putting away the dishes I washed yesterday, removing the coffeemaker to my studio etc. My kitchen looks darn bare now. Like just before I moved in.
And then I laid down to have a little nap while I waited for the contractor to arrive. Slept til past ten. No answer at his cellphone. Finally past 11am I knocked on the door of the upstairs' tenant. Apparently the contracter called him and not me that his employee is sick and he can't come today at all. yay. So I walked doggies and went to have something to eat at the restocafe and now it is now.
Somehow the past nearly 6 hours has disappeared. That should spur me on to something, but instead I feel like doing an ostrich thing and putting my head in the sand (no offence to ostriches, that is a stereotype, that a nice leftist person like me shouldn't be saying.... does it show that the reaction to that hello-i'm-back-Harpersucks entry has made me cringe? I haven't felt this ambivalent about writing in my diary here for years... not since my ex started freaking on it. yay. thanks. next time just disagree instead of playing 'I'm not gonna be your friend anymore")
What happened to happy happy in love girl?
OK, I do know a bit.
A few spits and spats that make me worry. I usually go out with people who are less volatile than me, not more. Oh well. I guess I can try to play the calm one.
He says to do what I need to do about the adoption thing, but he'd be lying if he said he was 100% into it. I don't know what to do. I anticipate at any point the fosteradopt people to contact me for my homestudy. What will I say? I almost never sleep at home anymore, but at my boyfriend's. That I haven't prepared anything for adopting in the last two months. That I haven't restricted my budget to afford a kid, if anything, I have been spending $ on two or three other people. I think his kids are the age now when they are a bit autonomous, and also he has them on shared custody. I think he wants to have more freedom now, not less, to do more things like travel, go out dancing etc. And here I was planning to do just the opposite after five years of 'ok, I'm not trying to get pregnant anymore, I can travel, spend $ on fun and play". I was planning to buckle down and stay home every night, to go through baby, eat, sleep, baby eat sleep for several months if not years.
That does not a fun girlfriend make, esp when it is not your kid, and you don't want the kid. And if he has his kids at his place, he can't go out, and if I have a kid at my place, I can't go out (ie not for supper, sleep over night etc on a regular basis, with school nights, kids' bedtimes, getting ready to go to work in the am etc). It isn't the same as living under the same roof. There isn't enough room at his place nor mine for all of us.
To top it off, the stepfather of his daughter died in a traffic accident while I was in Vancouver visiting my mom. That means that his daughter and her mom will be more than ever dependent on the alimony he pays. With the stepfather doing well before xmas, the alimony might have been reduced, meaning artsyguy wouldn't be as impoverished. But now, I think the idea of the extra responsibility towards his daughter and her mom is stifling him, and the idea of of me wanting yet another small dependent child isn't something that floats his boat.
So, all my happiness about him being a guy who loves kids, who is responsible etc etc is kind of pointless now. I guess I can be happy he is responsible towards someone else's kids. Yes I have kids in my life because of him. But they have a mom, and a dad. I am the dad's girlfriend. I am not a parent. I watch other people parent. I watch them say things like 'my son' and 'which days do you want him?" and negotiate schooling and bedtimes. I am a spectator. Though I do like when they come over and the kid is hanging out with the dog, and the girl is playing with the dolls from my childhood, and we're having dinner together.
I am torn between going forward as a single mom adopting with a guy on the side, and maybe losing what I have already, and staying with the status quo as the girlfriend of a guy with shared custody of his two kids. Am I being greedy to want a child? Am I setting myself up for stress, heartbreak, overwork, poverty and strife in my relationship (he has made it clear that if I get fosterkids and they don't get along with his kids, that he won't expose his kids to that) if I go for the fosteradopt? Or on the other hand am I crazy to put things on hold for this relationship with artsyguy?
I really need to do promo for my work too. South Korea ate up all my time last year... as it went over schedule by five months, I had to put all my other work and regular clients on hold time and time again. And thus I certainly did NOT promote myself to new clients. And now I don't have enough work. Bills are piling up. OK OK they are not. I am paying my bills. My credit margin is sinking deeper and deeper in the hole. That dog book I did last year was not published, and so there will be no royalties from it coming in this February. So that won't help me out in tax season, like new books normally do. It is finally coming out in February this year.
And then there is the contractor... I have to give him the check for the insurance deductable tomorrow. I don't have $ to travel or go skiing etc with artsyguy even IF I don't have a kid.
Well, I feel like a huge downer, and I am sorry I didn't write when I was happy and floating on cloud nine. It was just so nice to actually spend time with real people, and hang out having a life that included more than just me.
A good thing though.... the more time I spend with artsyguy any given day, the more I feel good with him. Instead of the other way round. That is a good thing.
ps, on the radio they are saying that Jan 23 is the most depressing day of the year according to some study: far enough away from Christmas, gloomy weather, mounting credit card debt from the holidays, lack of motivation. Well, there ya go. dang.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
*inspired by Chaosdaily