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Music tonight: Hymns of the 49th Parallel by k.d. lang

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Jan. 24, 2005 - 1:47 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Being a Good Girl

Yo. I am SO being a good girl.

Yesterday I slept, ate, did my comics page, colored in Leo's Dog book, ate, did a little workout (not so bad, I feel it today), and colored in Leo's Dog book, then slept.

Today I slept, ate, did my comics page, colored in Leo's Dog book, ate and now am coloring in Leo's Dog book.

Yes I walked doggies, and did the dishes too. Wow.

It all makes for pretty dull entries.
I am still grumpy about Disappearing Boy disappearing. Well he is not disappeared, he is at home at his parents' painting. Why couldn't he be here painting after changing around the whole other room? Cuz he doesn't want to step on my private life? See above.

Um, wow. yeah. I sit in my studio and work. Eat, sleep then work. Sounds like a good place to paint to me.

Sigh. I am trying not to think over every minor detail of his last time here... did I scare him off with the sexy outfit? With making him use condoms? (never know what freaks guys out... you know, at 41 they might still be freaked by condoms) With looking at Insexdotcom with him? (btw that is a site ONLY for over 18 or whatever in your community eh)... I dunno. Maybe I inspired him so much that instead of phoning, or dropping by unexpectedly, or dropping by expectedly, he just has to do nothing but paint paint paint. Yeah right.

Sigh. grump. It was better when the front room was the plants room, and the middle room, which I can see in from my studio, was the livingroom. IT looked friendly and inviting and full of cushy Indian and Moroccan stuff. Nice. Now when I look out my studio door, I see an empty room, rearranged so that he can draw, with two closed sketchpads on a board on a chest, where he was drawing 11 days ago. Grr. So now it feels like a room that is waiting, empty, uninhabited. Where before it was just my house.

I can tell you this bugs me psychically way more than his actual presence which he fears will tread upon my independence. Dang.

And of course if I call and ask, it will make it worse. Of course. "Are you going to come back and draw?" will get a yes, and sound like nagging. So does any variation of same. "so, are you planning on using the room?" "So, how are you feeling since last Monday night?".
Nope, other than calling to say hi, which I did, and which extracted the information that yes he plans to use the room to draw (but doesn't), and that he was painting and I interrupted him.

I hate this feeling. Let me tell you this is the feeling I had when I called Wisconsin to confirm my arrival times the second visit... (god I can't remember my pseudonym for her...let's call her M.Wisconsin)... M. Wisconsin acted like I interrupted her, and what was the point of my calling. Um yeah, well, the FIRST visit, it was SHE who called the night before breathlessly to confirm my arrival time, all eager to talk with me, and hear that I was coming and make sure she had the info right. The second time you wouldve thought I was the tax collector. And she was just, oh, never mind, call me from the airport when you arrive huh, gotta go. And it was the end. The trip was horrid. We didn't mesh. She spent the whole time ignoring me while she talked on the phone. (I have diary entries and photos to prove it)...

And the same when I called to confirm with ob the trip to the Musicfest... she was busy, and distracted, and didn't call me the night she was supposed to. And when I tracked her down, again, I got the "aack, the tax collector tracked me down" instead of the "oh sweetie! How WONDERFUL to hear your voice, i MISSED you! I am DYING to see you... I am so SORRY we missed confirming your arrival time!! Thank GOD you called!!" Nope, it was like "um, what are you calling for? Um, yeah, whatever, I guess, gotta go". Always the best tone to leave on before setting out for a 19 hour bus trip to the middle of nowhere.

And it was an unmitigated disaster for three days.

So yeah, that feeling of "well that was fun, what do you want NOW?".Fuckity fuckity.

I guess I should never have done the nasty with him. And no, art, he didn't "get what he came for and left"... I mean really... I wouldve done him on Christmas eve or day... and it took til last monday to get there even though he slept over a half dozen times... he didn't seem to be in much of a rush to "get what he wanted"...

I think he has freaked out. It was nice here for three days. Too personal, too intense perhaps I dunno.

anyways, back to the drawing.

I actually came here to post this fascinating article about the widespread myth of increased "Islamophobia". It is about Britain but could probably apply here. It is a bit long, but fascinating, and I think it in some ways transfers to how discourses of homophobia and racism (and the supposed Christianophobia) sometimes obscure real problems and ruin dialogue rather than illuminating them, or benefitting the actual people targeted.

Here is my horoscope for Sunday, January 23:

Showoffs get serious. What looks like your usual display of bravado is really a personal affirmation this time. When others push you, don't push back. Breaking old habits is one way to demonstrate your sincerity.

Well the don't push back thing looks like good advice. The rest is sort of like the I Ching. Who knows.

3:02 am Ok, if you didn't want to read a long thing about Islamophobia... at least go here and waste time... the many lives of Craig... And MY assessment is that Onewetleg will love it. hehe.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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