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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Oct. 22, 2005 - 2:35 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

I think this is a Good Thing

It is really wierd. Something has happened. Is it hearing that the laws are changing, and so I feel like there is a time limit to uncertainty in fosteradopt now? Is it a reaction to the assvice and annoyance in the fosteradopt classes? Is it just a natural progression as this process unfolds? Was it speaking to my friend who agreed to be a reference for me?

I don't know. But I went to bed last night saying to myself "I am a strong person. I can do this. I can be a great mom. I WILL be a mom". Where did this come from? I don't know. I feel like I DO have friends and resources. Not as much as I would like, but still, I do. I DO manage to deal with things as they come up: my brother's death, my mom's chronic fatigue, my dog's knee surgery, plumbing problems in the house. And I do manage to get enough sleep, get my work done, muddle through it all and do a pretty good job.

I can tell I feel differently cuz I have started to consider things like getting rid of some plants to make space. Thinking... what about plants I know are poisonous? Should I get rid of plants now before there is ice and snow and they will die moving them to someone else's place? I have started to measure my bedroom to see if I can move things from my junkroom (the child's bedroom) to between the bed and the dresser, or next to the laundry box. I have noticed visualising little clothes in the closet, and wondering if I should put in lower closet rods. Imagining a series of little coat hooks in the hallway. Imagining where the bed would go.

All those little things that had freaked me out totally.

I walk around, and imagine how I would have to dress a child for the cold. I look at the shoestore flyer and think about tiny winter boots. I think about having a coat that could fit over a child worn in a sling.

I think this is a good thing.
I think I could almost imagine being happy.

happy when thinking of kids? How cool is that!
Back to work!!!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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