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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 3:45 a.m.

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Curse of the Happy Childhood

Damn me and friday nights. Here is the third entry tonight... they are probably going downhill sigh. And I havent even lain in bed yet and tried to sleep. That's a surefire way to become wide awake and down, and lately (the past few days) fighting a goddamn tickle in my throat that is dying to become a nagging dry cough. I got up last night and drained the dregs of both DM cough syrup I had hiding in cupboards. I got me a whole funkin new bottle today. Bedtime, I shall prevail tonight!!

Anyhews, I did the sketch for my Christmas card. Now I just have to color it in.

In the meantime, i was just reading Squirrelx's entry, and am stealing another one of her quotes to comment on:

"A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life."
__Kinky Friedman

Now isn't that just the truest thing. I had a mommy and daddy who loved me. I had a little brother that I cared for and showed things to and bossed around. My mommy cooked me homecooked meals and cookies, and sewed my clothes by hand and sang songs and read me books. My daddy tickled me and made me handmade furniture for my Christmas present. I had a warm room, and later a big doggy. I had two grandmas, one who made me cookies with tea and lots of milk, and sang to me in Swedish when I sat on her lap. The other one had a case of the nerves but still sewed me a brown-skinned dolly when I wanted one, with handmade clothes.

I had all the paper I wanted to draw on, and dollies and toys, and old catalogues to cut out. I played with friends in the yard, and had rubber pants for the slush. I had laughter and cuddles and I was the Big Girl who Helped Mommy. I knew how to fold the socks and the diapers, I knew how to hold a baby and stir the jello. I even learned how to write before I started school (when mommy didn't want to teach me in case she did it wrong, I started to teach myself by copying from the newspaper badly, so mommy relented). New books from Dr. Seuss came in the mail. I watched the Friendly Giant and Mr. Dressup on tv. On rainy days we got to color in sticker books that were only for rainy days.

Sometimes when I was bad I had to put my nose in the corner. I still remember sniffling into the angle of the walls. But that was only when I was bad and I deserved it.

I had uncles and aunts and tons of cousins. Every holiday we drove around in the car, and mom and dad sang songs together like "there's a hole in the bucket", and Dad sang "I'm my own grandpa". We played "I spy with my little eye". I had lots of cousins my age. We played and we visited the farm animals. We picked eggs out of the chicken coop and went to see the kittens and baby piggies in the barn.

When I was little little, I had a happy childhood. And now in comparison I am just not happy with a warm house. I want to light up someone's face with cookies and presents from Santa Claus on Christmas morning. I want to have my dog wait at the door at the same time everyday when my children, and then partner, come home from work. I want to buy birthday presents and make up someone's face on Halloween. I want to read stories in bed, and sew clothes and knit booties. I want someone else besides me to be happy that their socks are clean and folded and their bed is cozy. I want family I can drive to visit. I want to belong. I want my mom to be a grandma so she can cuddle and cook and sing and sew and laugh at little kid antics and be there when my kid wants to kill me. I want to be able to roll my eyes when my beloved puts on some stupid music I am sick of but that reminds them of highschool. I want to sing songs WITH someone not myself. I want to sleep in someone's arms, and hear breathing of someone else in the night.

It is a curse to have a happy childhood. Thank god it got worse after that so that at least where I am now is better than where I was.

Read two other entries tonight: The Goodbye Girl and more cheerfully, Roiling Clouds. Gonna go paint now.


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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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