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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Oct. 25, 2008 - 11:01 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

A new relationship... Far away??

Well, here I am, feeling rather blah... I think a lot of it has to do with this scratchy sore throat... I suspect that the feeling like a wet dishrag is part of the deal. I just had a nap, and now it is already past 11pm. Not good, as the little store across the way closed 2 minutes ago... no chocolate for me tonight. damn.

Well, (what an inspiring way to start a paragraph)... I met someone online. We are just chatting by email now, and have spoken on the phone once.

Initial thrill and hope have given away to a sort of sinking feeling... after all we aren't in the same city. And believe me, living in a province where French is pretty much obligatory for any upper level jobs really cuts out one's prospects... one's beloved cannot just move here and resume their career path.

But besides that, she has a good job in another city, I think a 5 year contract, of which she is only one year in. And family and friends there.

And so the initial thrill of someone who is butch but not rigid, cute as all heck, smart as a whip, funny, loves kids and dogs, genderfucky etc is giving way of remembrances of past such things I have thrown myself into. I have sacrificed years of my life to relationships that never panned out, long distance for months or years. A lot of time and money spent travelling, on the phone, trying to be together, trying to find some way to have a future. All that time alone at home, at parties, in bed, missing.

I swear, I was so happy when artsyguy was a new thing... heck, I was happy last night when I went by to get the last bits of our stuff there, that he lives just around the corner from me. I could run back home to feed the dog. I could pop over on my way home from walking the dog. I'd see him at the corner store. I could drop by for tea between supper and my kiddo's bedtime if I had a half hour. Heck, all my other friends, let alone past lovers, it would take over a half hour just to get to their place. It was great to have him call me up and say "hey, I have chicken, do you have anything for veg or salad? If so, come over and we'll make a supper together" It was intimate and relaxed and quick and easy...

Heck most people in relationships actually LIVE TOGETHER at some point... and here I am thrilled about someone a block away. And now going back to once again, someone in a distant city. Not that distant.. under $200 for a bus round trip. But it would still entail taking days off work, travelling with a small child to another city, getting a dog sitter etc. Just to have coffee or sex or go to a movie.

Do I want this? This is always the question. Do I say no, and then have nothing better come up and think, gee, I could have had a great long distance relationship for two years instead of absolutely nothing? Do I go for it and live through all the deprivation, and cut myself off from the chance of meeting someone closeby?

I don't know. But I have gone from just thrilled and happy to feeling like "not yet again" and wanting to cry in my bed, wearing three layers of sweatshirts. Sigh.

OK, I am going to try to get some work done. Tomorrow aft will be a loss since small one has a halloween party starring a reptile petting zoo. I wanted to make him a turtle costume to go to it, but I was rushing to deadline yesterday, and then today it is absolutely pissing rain... so hard to get dogwalking done, and also go shopping for fabric etc... we'd both be soaked by the time we got to the store. Anyways it didn't happen. The shopping part. So there are no raw materials for the sewing part. I am not the mama I wish I was. The mama I wish I was would have made him a reptile costume. oh well.

nite nite

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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