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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Feb. 13, 2006 - 8:43 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

The Morning is so Long

It's weird.
I don't know what to say here anymore.
Is anyone still reading?

I guess I feel I wrote pretty much nothing about artsyguy and my life when things were going well, so it is hard to write about now.

I think I am slowly forgetting the parts that were disappointing and annoying. I am getting caught up in my life, and now think about them often, and would like to do things together.

Maybe it is just loneliness. Maybe it is the good parts that brought us together, that are mostly still there. Maybe it is forgetting the annoyances, the lack of direction, I don't know.

Maybe it is too soon to hang out.

I invited them to dinner (artsyguy and rollerboy) on Tuesday. I forgot Tuesday is valentines day. I mostly invited them on tuesday because I am busy on Monday and Wednesday.

Wednesday morning artsyguy and I have std checkups together. It is strange. It is weird. I guess we'll find out if we COULD HAVE given eachother something. hah.

A few times it hits me that I had a boyfriend and now I don't. I had said to quite a few people, esp people in couples, that we should get together for dinner. Now of course I can still get together with them for dinner, but it seems like a failure. And also back to being the third wheel, me the single, them in couples. I suppose it shouldn't seem like a failure... I have a friend who was supposed to get married, but then didn't, and instead married herself. Yup. She had a big party at her place, and dressed up, and did this cool little ritual where she vowed to honor and respect herself no matter what. It was quite cool. And it seemed positive and affirmative instead of like a failure that she was alone again.

I am a little freaked out that I don't have enough support to adopt. That I'm doing good now, but that the social workers will ask: "who will care for your child if you get sick?" It is a normal question. I don't know. I am hoping to get daycare at some point, hopefully in a home rather than one of the fulltime daycares, cuz I don't want my kid to be gone all day every day. Or to get an inhome nanny. Though that could be harder. I can imagine trying to work with a kid running in every two seconds! hah! :D

But I don't really have someone whom I could call just like that if I got sick or hit by a car. I suppose someone would come through. I have always gotten help I needed, with my life, my cats, my dog. But I will need to come up with some answers that sound good before some social worker asks me. yikes.

I did get a lot done this weekend. Not so much work work (South Korea is late again with my work. They only sent me the instructions and answered my questions last night for the last drawing I am doing for them. And they cut down from three drawings to two. ack. less$$), but I did finally straighten out my studio. I had moved everything around at Christmas 2004/05 to put in new bookshelves, but ended up with a small pile of boxes against a wall. Then that small pile of course attracted every stray thing. And I moved my drawing table away from the window so my plants brought in for the winter could get some light, and IT was sitting in the middle of the room. So yesterday I dealt with the small cum big pile and put the drawing table tidily against that wall. I have a whole new room!! yay!

And the work is nearly done from the water damage in the kitchen... so I should be able to wash and put back everything there... the curtains, the shelves and contents, the spice racks, the paintings on the wall.

Anyways, now if I had done my drawing work I would still be in bed now. Hah!

And here I am writing an entry instead of drawing. Gotta get to work. In half an hour I have to go look again at the color scans for the dog book I did last year. zoom zoom.

It is wierd to get up in the morning. The morning is so long and the evening is so short.


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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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