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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Nov. 19, 2005 - 4:46 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

The Long and the Short of It

Ok, I cannot TELL you (but of course will die trying) how much I HATE liking someone.

Doesn't time pass so slowly you think it is days but it has been half an hour and if you look up at his windows ONE MORE TIME when you walk by you will just punch yourself out for being an idiot?

So yeah, I DIDN'T get anything concrete about supper tonight. I had asked the kid (rollerboy) if he liked borscht, and he was like 'i eat everything' and I asked about him and his dad coming for supper when I made it. He was like 'not tonight, I'm at mom's" which was funny cuz he was obviously at dad's but his mom was busy for an hour. He's like 'I'm at dad's tomorrow, on Friday.

So then when I mentioned it to Dad (artsyguy) I was thinking, ok, the kid seems fine with friday. I said' would you and rollerboy like to come for dinner on Fri, Sat or Sunday cuz I am gonna cook up a huge mass of borscht to put in the freezer? But artsyguy says 'well, I dunno what the kid is doing, and not sure what I'm doing on the weekend'. And then he added, "well, rollerboy might not be available, would it be ok if just I came?" duh. sheesh.

But he seemed like he didn't want to be pressured into deciding what to do on the weekend (strike one for me), so I said, well, I am going to make it no matter what. I'll cook it up on Friday, and leave some out of the freezer, feel free to drop by on Friday, Sat or Sunday to dinner to have some.

Now what the fuck was up with THAT??

I set myself up to wait and wonder THREE NIGHTS with no time, no commitment? Do I like to torture myself or what???

So I bought some rye bread (good with borscht), and some camembert or other similar round white little cheese, and some mixed lettuce and tomato and orange pepper. To leave it in case they come by, (or just him). And cooked up my huge masses of borscht.

Thinking, they could drop by any moment. Earlier, or in the middle or later. Or not at all, or tomorrow or sunday or not at all. Thinking this from last night (Thursday) through til now. Every minute I was cooking, and then eating, then afterwards. ACK. (and no I didn't touch the ryebread, cheese and salad fixings. I had toast with my borscht. Regular toast).

How LONG can a half hour be when you hope the doorbell will ring? How FAST can you run to the phone when it rings (I had one hangup ... not their number, and one longdistance, and one automated spam thing with an 800 #). Fuckity fuckity.

And how HARD is it not to take things personally.

So stupid. I mean really. Last weekend I had friends in for supper (Seite and her girlfriend) and then the next night went out to a birthday party and the drag queen club afterwards... I certainly wasn't calling him up those nights. It didn't mean a thing I was otherwise occupied. And it isn't like it has been a week since I saw him, it was two nights ago that I sat at his place for 3 hours chatting with the legfriendliness on the sofa. Sheesh.

But I am revisiting EVERY CRUSH in the LAST 25 YEARS where I invited someone to pop by where I worked, my home, school, office, whatever, and they NEVER SHOWED UP. And of course I would discover that they were with another girl, or went out on the town alone, or whatever. But it always was that basically the ended up with someone else not me.


Remember a few short weeks ago I had NO desire to date, NO interest in anyone, NO libido, NO horniness, fantasies, desires, hopes, or anything else in the partner arena... sexual, romantic or otherwise. And how NICE that was. How simple, and easy and nonproblematic. egads.

Oh if only I could get back there.
And we know it is impossible. If I see him I will have horniness and desire. If I don't see him I will have horniness and desire. If I see him and nothing happens I will tear myself apart emotionally wondering what to do. If I DON'T see him I will tear myself apart emotionally wondering what to do. ACK!! AAGH! GACK!!

Why does time go by so SLOWLY???????
ok, I say that but suddenly it is 5am where previously when it was going by so slowly it was 2am and I was considering going to sleep to get the evening over with.
I totally have to go to sleep.

Tomorrow night is Me*ow M*ix, which is a fun night of cabaret and dancing for Bent Girls and their Bu*ddies. So if they come over tomorrow night well, I'll have supper and then be out the door looking great. If they don't come over tomorrow at least I shall be otherwise entertained come 10:30 pm. thank GOD!

ok, I can tuff it out til tomorrow,
And anyways now I have about 12 pints of borscht for the winter.
dying here. ack.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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