Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Friday, Mar. 25, 2005 - 5:58 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
A Long Trip in a Cramped Car
OK , Here's a happy hoppy eastra thingie.
Oh wait!! You are not sposed to have happy bouncing bunnies! It's Mel Gibson day!! It is the day of flogging the skin off the back, dragging heavy torture furniture through the streets, public humiliation, blood and guts and nails through flesh... mmmm... nice religion. urp.
Ok.
Personally it is just a weird blip on my calendar, in that Fedex is off today, and the photocopy center is off Monday... everything is all wonky. I have no idea if the coffeeshop will be open, or the gym.
But I shall be doing my daily beat.
Get up, wash up, oatmeal for breakie, read emails, walk doggies, draw my comic, have my coffee, work on the South Korea book, eat supper, walk the doggies, work on the South Korea book, go to sleep...
hehe.
exciting huh!
The thing is that working on the South Korea book is a LOT like taking a really really long car ride... your butt gets flat, your knees and hips and elbows and back all start going into rigor mortis from lack of movement and restriction to a sitting position. And you get really tired of listening to the same cds over and over again.
Well, actually there is thankfully the CBC radio... today was an interesting interview with a man who plays piano to silent movies at the Cinemateque Quebecoise every Friday night. He says he gets to play music and compose music, his two loves in life... and how many composers get to play live in front of an audience once a week? I will have to check him out as soon as I get out of this chained to the desk mode.
I also heard a great interview with this guy called Dr. Alex Coutinho, who is in charge of some AIDS program in Uganda... he is one of the most levelheaded people I have ever heard speaking of AIDS programs... if you ever get a chance to hear him speak do so. He was speaking about how Abstinence, Be Faithful, use Condoms (ABC) s good for some people, and not enough... Abstinence is good for young people who aren't really sexually active, but then people who are older, ie in their 30's, are going to be abstinent not til marriage, but perhaps til they meet someone who they feel is safe. And then they can use the condoms. The Be Faithful is good for people who are married, but the ABCs dont protect married women from AIDS... an African wife has little choice to be abstinent, probably is faithful (the stats are something like 5% of wives have affairs), and certainly would get into huge trouble if they want their husbands to use a condom... So there is where he spoke of D... Determine your HIV status... if people get tested and know their status, they will know they can be safe without a condom, and also will be more likely to be responsible to use a condom if they are positive and their partner is not for instance... He also pointed out that if people want kids, abstinence and condoms are not options. exactly.
Anyways, it was so refreshing to listen to someone who is NOT a rabid anti-condom pro-virginity Bushie. SIgh. Anyways, this is the person responsible for cutting Ugandan infection rates from 30 percent to under 6 percent. Cool.
So, anyways, I read and hear lots of interesting things, and I am sorry I am too busy to write proper entries with links and all. Did you know that in WWI only 15% of soldiers actually fired their guns??? And they had to completely redo how to train soldiers so they will want to kill another human being? Isn't that cool? Not that they now can fuck over someone's head so that now something like 80-90% will fire on an enemy, but rather that even in war, even with a mission, without brainwashing only FIFTEEN percent of men will shoot at another man face on. I think that is a heartening thing to hear. Disheartening is the training for troops now. No wonder they are fucked up and suicidal. Did you know that all armies have a high desertion rate? That men don't like to kill, or the ones who do are a real particular type (ie the type who take photos while torturing people at Abu Gharib or whatever it's called... dang I should google it but I want to go to bed)...
Thankyou to everyone for the support and shout outs last night. You know it was easier to write in here when it felt anonymous... some black hole on the net. Now I feel watched and ashamed. So I appreciate the compassion and sharing I got, ok? Yeah, who knows. I have no reason to have had a little meltdown last night vs tonight. Nothing particular going on. Just got into a brain rut. Of feeling I will never get out of this hole of working, making $ paying taxes, going round and round and time goes by and getting older... and no time for real friendships, nor to meet and get to know a lover or life partner, or to have a kid or whatever. It seems the harder i work to have time and ressources the less time and ressources I have. And I feel like I was going forward for years and years, and it was satisfying. And now for three years I feel like I am going backwards, in money, and health, time, and friends, love and possibilities and hopes. And then I start to feel it is all my fault, and I start to think "that is silly you are doing fine" and that is the start of the real downward emotional spiral.
Yeah, when it gets off the outside world track onto the inside world track. I have it pretty good, I am intelligent and healthy and have work and talented and loved and i am still unhappy and unsatisfied and whining and beating up on myself and how undesirable is that, for a friend, or acquaintance or lover and if I don't have a better social life and a partner and thus a kid and a family it is because I do it myself and drive people away, and get into a snit and it is just me making a big thing out of nothing, and of course the more I am selfaware I am blaming myself, the more I feel I am fucking fucked up cuz I have nothing to blame myself for except blaming myself, blah blah blah... yeah.
Fun eh. No one to blame but me. Natter natter natter my mom would say. Oh you make such a BIG THING OUT OF NOTHING my mom would say. You go ON AND ON AND ON my mom would say. You know, we really miss you when you are gone but we get enough of you really fast when you are around, my mom would say. And the horrid thing is that she is absolutely right. And then I feel like beating my face to a pulp. But I don't cuz that would hurt, and besides it would look really stupid. And I am too practical. If I bled there would be blood to clean up. If I broke teeth or something stupid I couldnt eat properly anymore and then I'd be fucked over, ugly, physically disfunctional AND fucked up. hehe.
You know I probably would never kill myself just cuz I would think of the mess people would have to clean up. Even if I just died quietly... what a mess. Nah.
OK< anyways that sounds a bit morbid and I am not morbid today. Just tired cuz it is 6:30 am. I want to sleep BEFORE 7am today.
The sad thing is there is no grilled cheese. No bread AND no cheese. Dang. So it'll have to be pasta with butter. Not bad but not a grilled cheese.
Nite nite peoples.
hugs,
me, wenchie
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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