Music today:The Lovin Spoonful again

Reading today:Harper's Magazine, about US junk politics

Drawing today: The LAST FIVE US contract images! yay!

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 - 4:14 a.m.

Yellow trees on des erables, copyright 2003 Wench77

Hello this is me. yes me. surprise there huh.

What will I write about tonight? The dizzying sensation of having NO DEADLINES? (yet... I have contracts for two books coming up... one the first in a series of b&w books about a gang of dogs, and the other a colour book about a little Inuit boy who moves "down south", ie down here where most of us Canuks live)

The amazing fact that I actually have edibles besides old condiments and work-intensive (read raw lentils and brown rice) food in the house? I didnt exactly go shopping, but I did get more peanut butter, tostitos, granola bars and cheese. AND limes for my Coronas... since I am NOT WORKING... let me make that in a larger font: I'M NOT WORKING!!!!!... I am just starting in on my SECOND Corona of the evening... oh the LUSH!! LOL! mmm, lime.

Red leaves green trees, copyright 2003 Wench77

Now where will I start. Left over loose ends. About the Hellish evening... Mr. Dom1 was nice enough to call me the next morning and was very apologetic and said he in no way intended to "pull rank", or be in dom role while not playing... in fact he said that he meant that me not talking was the condition previously set for me sitting at their table, not that me listening to him was the condition for me being around him. OK, but I said it is unlikely that a sub would have told a friend who needed a seat when they had to refrain from talking, and when they could talk again. I can imagine someone telling you to shut up if you WERE disturbing them, but still. I think it is the same natural personality that makes people become dom/mes that predisposes them to being pushy, bossy and authoritarian in regular life. Sometimes dom/mes are just intensely calm, dignified and well-mannered even when not playing, but they still have this personality that commands obeiance from most anyone. I once went shopping for bedding plants with someone who dommes. And though she wasnt in role at all, she just sort of stood, pointed and politely directed three or four men working at the stand to fetch, carry, bring for inspection, and load into her car, all her desired purchases. I was totally amused. She didnt even realize most people just walk around themselves, choose, and then carry, themselves, their purchases to be tallied. Funny funny funny. So, despite the apology,(which I accepted of course), I believe hellish night still stands as a good example of dom-identified people pulling rank.

The other lovely thing he said was that everyone thought Mr.Dom2 was a total ass to me, and felt bad that I had left... he was sweet and said that no one thought I was in the wrong, and thought it appalling that what was boisterous joking between me and Mr. Dom1 was shouted down.

It is a relief to me to hear this, since I so often feel other people are left with a dismal perception of me (ie the loud boorish social clutz with no emotional control) ... urk! So, at least I dont feel so much anymore like hiding my head in a bucket of sand as far as that tableload of people are concerned. Thankyou to Mr. Dom1 for being thoughtful with the phone call.

my doggy pooping, wearing her raincoat (rainbag)... boy good thing I don't have kids.. .they'd run! "MOM with CAMERA!!!", copyright 2003 Wench77

The other issue to get off my chest right now is that I "misrepresent" in my diary. I just read a good comment by firestar in Sleepyzoe's comments today... he/she (another one of those people who come out of nowhere with no discernable profile) said that people often forget that we only write a tiny fraction of our lives in our diaries. Perhaps we had a lovely day with our family, and then a three minute fight with our father... well, we are likely to run to the diary and write "my father is such a ?�?�����?�?"!!!! GRRR!!!". Misrepresentative perhaps, but an outpouring of our thoughts and feelings nonetheless.

Tom of Vermont's "correcting" of my entry statement from "he was attracted to me" to "we were attracted to eachother" has made me feel quite defensive. And feel self-protective, both of my feelings, thoughts AND my diary. This is not a good sign for someone who may be a new friend. Deary me. No, I think perhaps I should unlink my website and my diary so that I could give out the URL to the first and keep the last private. All these people reading who think "she misrepresented".

Well, yes, I found Tom of Vermont attractive. But I found at least three women last night attractive, and many of my friends (you know, they're cute, they have things in common with you, nudge nudge wink wink), such as Mr. Ubahn, who would make such an adorable dyke, but who instead is just a boy-crazy fag who french kisses me! :) heehee! And online I find several people attractive/compatible with me in a "oooh, fun, yay, someone cool!" way: Meeyapede, Sleepyzoe, my admired older girl Elizabeth F. Stewart... I find the great Trina Robbin's man attractive (i tease her all the time if she gives up steve i'll take him!!)

But, attraction and interest are NOT the same thing. Right now, no interest, no desire to do anything more than smile and chat. No desire to kiss, fondle, have romantic dates, words of desire or anything else. No. Out of commission. I will let the ob thing run its course. And I can tell there still is a lot there to get out. A painting or two. A comic book perhaps. A photography project or two, quite a few webpages. Yup. And I want to be done that when I meet someone else. I want to be open and excited and willing to be inspired BY THEM, to write and draw and create for them. When I met ob I was open like that. To be happy to explore her world and let her into mine. And it was so nice and relaxed and fun. pogo pogo. :)

And about the defensiveness. This bodes badly for Mr. Tom.yes. I wish he had just thought oh, she noticed i was attracted. Let's see where this goes, and stayed friendly. Now I feel like everything I do will be watched to ascertain whether it is further proof of me being attracted to him or not. Makes me very self-conscious and defensively stifles me. I think "oh, if I send this photo will he think I REALLY like him?" etc etc. Like I stifled asking if he and Ms Vermont were together the other night, since I thought it would be perceived by them as a question indicating I was hoping he was available. Which I was not. I was just enjoying meeting someone and chatting and not having a dismal boring night with no one to connect to.

Deep sigh. Take another swig of Corona, wench dear. Yes. And put on one more time "You didnt have to be so nice" (...I wouldve liked you anyway...)tra la la.

Mm Joy. When i get up to put on the music, my body doesnt work like one of those robot mimes so much anymore! I was getting so stressed and overly tense that I was starting to move jerkily. eek! It's getting better. The flamenco class tonight helped. Hey, I might learn a choreography to Ravel's Bolero after Christmas. Cool. And for those who are absolutely SICK and TIRED of reading about how great I come off in quizilla (yeah right) and laudatory comments about my drawing, let me tell you, physical things are not my strong point. Sports are just so not good for me. Give me one simple thing to do and I might be ok. But make me remember two things at once, like run AND direction to run, or run AND catch a ball. Or remember a series of movements, I am NOT quick, and have a dismal memory. Two years of Tai Chi and I can only remember a couple separate moves.

All that to say, I suddenly understand all those people who wanted the math lesson from three days ago REPEATED AGAIN, while I slept. Now this is me... now WHICH toe heel toe part came next?? um, that bit we learned last week with the pli�s, was that in the Carmen choreography, or one of the other two?? hmmm, it will take awhile. But at least my black pants look good. Though I was so tired tonight I got completely lost several times. Once I was paying so much attention to whether my feet were placed like the teacher's, that she had to say my name three times before i noticed that I was the only one with my hands still over my head (gracefully i may add, though with hairy armpits). oh dear. Blame it on the work schedule.

Well, blame it also on the work schedule that my laundry is not done... I could be doing it while I sit here surfing and typing, drinking corona and snacking on tostitos, except that it is 5am and the washer/dryer makes SO MUCH NOISE! oh well. Tomorrow.

I thought I would put in some exciting quotes, and a few fascinating but coldshiversdownspine-provoking web pages tonight, but I am running out of steam. Yes. no steam. Steamless. Je manque de la vapeur. yup. So I will just say that I am very happy to have seen one of my more charming and personably intelligent neighborhood acquaintances at the local cafe today... and I was very happy not only because he is one of the more charming and personably intelligent neighborhood acquaintances, but because he is very very ill with cancer, and not having seen or heard from him I was very concerned about his health. I imagined him either horribly depressed and in pain at home, or in fact dead. Yes dead. And that is a sad thought to me. He is really a wonderful person and I hope he gets well enough to have several years to chat with me (and everyone else) over coffee about relationships, love, Maude Barlow, 18th century diarists and great literature. yup. Very good to see him walking out and about. :)

Now I think i'm even too tired to smoke a hookah, though I will drink the other half a Corona. zzzzzzz. Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am debating staying home to veg out OR going to a domination class at McGill University of all places, with an evening of flogging and other percussion with the girls. mmm. I will probably go out. You know me. FOMS. Yup!

Goodnight, love, me wenchie.

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, November 6:
Doubts and distractions are gone. The act of learning stimulates you. Promises are everywhere. It's hard to sit down to the same old thing when you have a whole new world to discover.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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