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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Feb. 07, 2004 - 5:15 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Mixed Messages for Mixed People

"Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer."
__Mignon McLaughlin

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."
__Samuel Johnson

Those both stolen from SquirrelX's diary tonight. That woman sure do write long entries I tell ya! Lately I have been so behind that I was reading her January entries tonight. Add in all the quotes and the links and you can get lost for an hour or two at least!

Well yes, don't be yourself, be someone a little nicer. Damn. I did finally get together tonight with my dearly beloved friend Seite... hasnt changed a wink. Dresses well, great hair, looks tired as always since she burns the candle at both ends, not just the night end like me, smiley and a great person. With bad taste in relationships or bad luck or both, like me but worse. Because she actually gets married to the people who turn from soulmates into crazy nuts. Or has children with them, or buys a house together etc etc. Sigh. At least mine last only a year or two.

On the other hand, at least hers last long enough to have children and buy houses... she gets nutcases but at least ones who will make a committment for awhile. Tonight we talked mostly about our exes... me, ob, and her, her super control freak ex girlfriend Whisky. I guess I can sort of consider myself lucky not to have contact with ob except for that bizarre package return and the weird Christmas hello/goodbye. Her ex has managed to get enmeshed in her life at every turn... finding excuses to call, come over, inquire about friends etc. I think she is as afraid of repercussions of pushing her away now that she is supposedly OUT of the relationship when she did when she was IN it. "I'm afraid that..." starts every sentence of why she cannot cut contact, or refuse to take phonecalls, or tell her how she feels about the constant surveillance etc. Sigh.

And I showed photos of ob and shared some stories. She agreed that ob is adorable and sexy. Yeah. Sigh. More sigh. Why cannot I have relationships that fuck up because we disagree over what movies to see, or whose parents' place to spend Christmas at? Why do I have relationships that fuck up because the other person is lying to me, or taking me for granted and therefore treating me like their old slippers while they wine and dine someone else. Not wanting to throw me out, just keep me around to wear in the house while they polish their shiny new shoes that they show off in public. I don't get it. I present pretty damn well in public. Maybe I don't keep enough of a mystique?


Same with Seite. I don't understand how her lovers can go from self-assured gogetters to become pathetic layabout assholes in one case, and obsessive emotionally abusive control freak in another. Sigh.

Maybe I'm repeating myself... I dunno if I already said this... but on M*dori's list she said "let's lighten things up!! what are you doing for Valentines day, what are the best Valentines gifts you have ever gotten etc"... nice touch there M*dori!... Lighten things up, NOT! Last year I had this incredible time with ob. We travelled and stayed in a hotel. That is when I gave her her collar. I dressed up in red lingerie and red heart stamps all over my body and presented myself on a white bed covered with candy hearts and cinnamon hearts and red roses. Though, if you really want to think about it. I did all that for HER. I don't think she did anything for me for Valentines day. Maybe I just don't remember. I dunno. But it makes me sad now to think of how happy I was, and how great we were and how that is gone this Valentines day.

I suppose I had someone to spend Valentines with, or get a valentine from once or twice. Little Criminal bought me some onsale candy the first year... after all we'd only been "doing it" for maybe a week. And my ex, Black, bought me those three tulipshaped candleholders with Ferrero Rocher candies in them. But the way he did it, I thought the candleholders were just for his house, not me... but I had told him in advance of Valentines day that he should at least buy me a Ferrero Rocher candy at the cashier's counter at the pharmacie for Valentines day, cuz I'd be pissed if I got nothing... that it'd set him back a buck. So he bought a box, and just kept putting one on each candleholder as we ate them, for the whole time I saw him. That was fun, but he ate them too. It was only after we broke up that he handed me the candleholders and said he had bought them for me. Funny I certainly didnt know that for 9 months!

Other than that... mostly I got together with people in March, and it didnt last a year. Or September, and it didnt last til Feb next. Or I got nothing, like from my fuckbuddy. I mean, even if you are not so romantic about your fuckbuddy... people give a card or something like candy hearts to their secretaries and their schoolfriends for god's sake... give your fuckbody SOMETHING! A dinner at McDonalds... whatever! But it feels like shit when everyone is getting cards and flowers, and you have been fucking someone for two months and you get nada. Ulg. That is why I told Black that he should get me something... thinking of how resentful I was about my ex fuckbuddy.

I mustve gotten something from my first girlfriend and the English one, since after all we were together a couple years. Wow, it really mustnt have impacted on me. I remember significant gifts and birthday and Christmas presents but not Valentines.

I would love for once for someone to buy me roses and wine and dine me on Valentines day. Give me something special that meant "I love you", and not just a chocolate from the drugstore. The funny thing, probably the whole western world feels that way... I can hear married ladies bitching "why can't my guy blahblahblah"... yeah, just you wait...Jessica Lovejoy will have a Clinton fuckfest. SIgh. Well, she better write about it! She has been depriving us lately of both risqué and academic stimulii... self-censoring "for our sake" as it were. Go and write her a comment and say just get off it! Thanks!

Anyways, I got off my original topic, which was being kinder or nicer than you really are. I dunno. I don't want to be nasty to exes. I want to stay friendly with people. To not hold the past against them, while of course staying aware of what fuckedupedness they are capable of. And I would hope this with ob. But I see the mess my friend Seite has gotten into by being nice and welcoming to her ex... she hasn't actually gotten out of the relationship yet even though she broke up around the same time I broke up with ob... And my ex, Black, has acted like an ass, both towards me and friends of mine, in the past two weeks. And I wonder how I can stay friends or friendly with someone who continues to be such an ass. I mean really... when they fuck you over or people you care about.

At the same time they are people I cared about, and in some aspects still do. Some sides of them are just nasty ola urk. And yet the caring sharing sides, the fun and the humour, the helping and liking each other sides don't just vanish from their personality when you discover their horrid fuckyouover betraying side. Sigh.

What to do what to do. I don't know. Consistency in thought and action would be a good thing. Like Seite says, she is giving mixed messages. Yup. She says she doesnt know if she'll ever love someone as much as she loved her recent ex. I look at the photos of me and ob.. the times we spent together, the things she shared with me of herself, and they were priceless gifts. It is so sad. Mixed messages for mixed people.


wenchie, me.

Here is my horoscope for Friday, February 6:

It's hard to believe that you could have a better day than yesterday, but today sets another record. All good things flow to you here on top of the world. Others are free to share as long as they ask first.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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