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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Nov. 26, 2004 - 5:09 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Entry Goes Bad

OK, I am totally too busy to update and need to sleep. I'm afraid I'm gonna get a headcold thing.

Fun time in watercolor class again... we're doing self-portraits in the style of another artist. I'm doing Andrew Wyeth. I love his stuff. Though I am tempted to break out the verboten colors such as payne's grey and yellow ochre, burnt sienna.. hehe. Supposedly that is cheating, but each artist gets their own palette, non?? Those are colors I love in oil and acrylic painting. yum yum. The teacher makes us work with cadmium red and yellow, and those I really dislike. urp. Pasty.

So, I managed to get some comics printed up today. I forget how timeconsuming it is, the copying, collating, stapling and folding. Dang!!

More to do in the morning! And get downtown to speak on the radio, and then go to the bank again! I finally got a check for the crazy art lady (toaster painting) artwork, so I want to put it in asap... I took $ out of the US account to cover the check to the income tax people, and the toaster check will help bump it back up a bit.

I just spent a bunch of time talking to my brother on email. Yay. It is funny, he is way younger than me, well 5 years, when we were spaced 2 yrs apart, that is quite far... he was the youngest and played with my other brother, and I was the mean big sister who babysitted them.

So imagine how surprised i was when I got a guestbook entry at my comics site and it was from him! BIG Surprise! So I emailed him and we have been emailing back and forth. He has an internet store and so was giving me traffic tips, advertising hints etc. Don't know how much of it is helpful to me until I check it out. But he thinks the comics are funny.

Big news of the evening... he knew my mom was going to move away from here in Montreal for half a year before she moved. She told me weeks before. She told him not to tell me, cuz I was going to be upset.

Fuck, as far as I know keeping secrets like that has never been modus operandus in our family. That is just cruel. If I'd known she was moving away, I couldve taken less work to take her the places in Quebec I wanted, take her for mothers day dinner etc, but I thought i had years, not months. Fuckit anyways. She told him she wanted to move cuz we were always arguing. Haha. More likely she was angry and freaking out by herself before I arrived... usually over something that happened thirty years or fifty years before.

How is that arguing??How is saying "mom, it hurts me to see you so upset about something from when you were six years old, you have chronic fatigue, you cant be missing nights and nights of sleep being angry about these things... you really need to talk to a therapist or someone" arguing?

She got real angry when I said things like that: "I listen to YOU when YOU are angry " (um, I am usually angry about something that happened to me in the past couple days or months, not missing nights of sleep crying and angry about something that happened when I was six), or "Why won't you talk about this?" (um, well, cuz I have already talked about it, and heard it five times this week? Listening to you go "I'm so angry... when your brother was ten your father did blah blah blah and I'll never forgive him, never"... over and over... how is that "talking about" something? That is just repetitive ranting of something that needs a therapist). Or "I ALREADY DEALT WITH IT, I'M OVER IT" (um no, obviously not. obviously doing work in a book ten years ago wasnt enough... i am NOT my mother's therapist!!)

Um, when I was like that when my brother died, a close friend told me that I was too sad and upset for him to be enough, that he thought i should seek professional help, and I did. I didnt yell at him and get angry and say he had to listen.

My brother also says when she arrived in BC she was angry all the time over petty things and at him and ranting. So it isn't just me.

Dang. My mother KNEW she was going to move away from here, from me, a half year before she told me, and my brother knew and was told to not tell me. Fuckity fuckity.

He says she is lonely now cuz he only sees her once a month.. he has no car and must travel an hour on public transit. Dang. And she bitched that I didn't drop by every day when I was here. I knew she'd see that I was a great daughter once she had my brother instead. Not that he isn't great, but he isn't going to do errands for her all the time, invite her to shows or dinner, drop by to watch tv, treat her cats for fleas...

And she moved 3000 miles away from me, and even quite far from him. And she has chronic fatigue. Dang. She is lonely. uhuh.

Shit. Not much I can do. What do you do? Dang.

I feel bad all the time that she moved here and then didn't like it and moved away. She is getting older. And I am not going to move from here. I always thought I'd be there for my mom. It makes me so sad. She is so far away. Fuck.

Oh well, writing this is just making me cry.

I have to go to bed. What happened to my family? Why is everyone so angry? Cuz we're so sad? I don't know.

Well, it was a nice email time with my brother.
But I WAS considering visiting my mom in late winter and now I don't know. Kept a secret from me of moving away for six months. That makes me unbelievably sad. Dang.

I haven't seen her for three years this month. Sad. (oh yeah, besides me learning I was infertile at that time, throwing out my guy for lying about safe sex so I didn't know if I were HIV +or not, buying a fiveplex with no thinking time, and breaking up with someone else, there was September 11 too and I didnt know if a world war was starting. yay.. what a great year... and then my mom moves. She was also angry that I was in the states at Sept 11 and not here to drive her to the airport. Said after all she'd done for me I couldnt bloody drive her 20 minutes to the airport. That is insane. She shouldve been happy I was not in NYC, which is where I was in Oct 2001)

Fuckity fuckity.

sorry this is turning out to be a sad ranting entry instead of a short, got my comics done, chatted with my bro entry.

nite nite all. sorry.
hugs to me,

tell me i'm not a total fuckup.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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