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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Sunday, Feb. 27, 2005 - 5:05 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Moods and Crayons

Well dang it anyways! I wasn't feeling so bad since I just got the Releve 4 tax paperwork done for all the tenants, filed everything away in the appropriate files and stuffed the envelopes into their respective tenanty mailboxes a full two days before deadline. Yay me!

But then I did this quiz over at Chaosdaily's and the results are not so encouraging:

You Are Depressed

No doubt about it, you're feeling very down.

Maybe you've had a bad day, or maybe you need help.

Either way, make sure to take good care of yourself right now.

What Mood Are You In?

Well it is probably right. I was bumming on my way home. I am stressed out, and behind in my work, not concentrating well and in general fantasizing about going away anywhere there is countryside and physical exercize. Preferably snow. Laughing. Maybe a fireplace and cuddling and a tickle or two. Sigh. yeah right.

OK now I'll do the crayon one.
And I'll be right back with the results ok?

Ok i'm back! haha, this is the results:

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

But I cheated. I did it twice. Cuz I got Los Angeles Air Brown the first time and that is the same as Chaosdaily which is dull. It isn't REALLY cheating since I first wrote "blue underwear" and the second time I wrote "light blue" underwear I am wearing. Which is correct. But um, time-o-the-month? Glad that's the crayon color and not the underwear color. Underwear should be black at that time of the month, in case of slippage and whatnot eh? Black does the trick. hehe.

OK. What a time. I have dumped the website that I was linked to. And asked the woman to dump mine too... because the button says "progressive lesbian blog" and I don't think that a site where the owner maintains that "sex worker" is a politically correct word for prostitute is progressive whatsoever. She thinks that sex worker instead of prostitute is like putting womon instead of woman. um not. A prostitute has sex, a roll in the hay, a blow job, a hand job, whatnot, with a client. A prostitute is a sex worker. But a sex worker can be also a porn actress, an exotic dancer, a phonesex worker, someone who talks on a webcam, someone who works in a peep show, even someone who does domination work or perhaps even writes porn fiction or poses for nudie shots. (btw she says that porn actresses are prostitutes too... I suppose they are if they are having sex, but then they are not paid by the person who is having sex WITH them, and if they are for instance, being filmed washing themselves in the bath, jerking off with a dildo, getting spanked or just lolling around in whipped cream and lingerie, it doesn't fit the definition of "having sexual relations for money").

No, sex work is like body work. A prostitute is a sex worker. A sex worker is not necessarily a prostitute. A massage therapist does body work. But body work is not necessarily massage. It could be energy work, or accupuncture, rolfing or chiropractic work. A tomato is a fruit. But fruit is not a politically correct substitution for the word tomato. sigh.

Idiots I tell ya. Or just uninformed.

So yeah, the lovely little piece of commenting douda that called me a bisexual prostitute yesterday linked in the comments to what she was refering to. Ahhh, in a thread about prostitution i wrote something along the lines of "I am not a prostitute, in that I don't earn my living doing it, but I do sex work with one man, only one man who I know, and that would count as one man and one woman negotiating consensually, and therefore the woman is not a victim." (no, I don't feel now like going back into her comments and copying and pasting)... anyhews I was specific enough to say I don't get naked, though he does, and I don't have sex with him.

So there ya go. I did NOT say I was a prostitute, I said I was NOT a prostitute. I dunno. Let's see. I get paid to dress up in black leather with a black wig and he licks my boots off on his knees and gets me a drink and polishes my boots and then I beat his butt etc. It is sort of fun and not a bad way to make a buck. Though he would like me to find it incredibly sexy and I don't so I feel guilty about it from that point of view. Funny huh. Sort of like going on a date with someone who is gaga for you and you are not gaga for them, guilt that way. It is rather silly. I suppose that you could call that prostitution if you like.

But my point was that 1) I don't have sex with the guy... I certainly called myself celibate during the time I did that. I never get off. I never even get touched. No kissing, no caressing etc. Oh I lie. I let him sniff my armpits and I slap his face.

So, I'd call it sex work. I've done it like four times since 1999. Like when I worked on the phone sex line for a coupla months. But from that to say I'm a prostitute is like telling someone they are a hairdresser if they do one person's hair four times in their life. The girl who was commenting told me one guy or 50 guys its all the same. ahhhh. And the woman who ran the blog calls everything prostitution.

I guess by those definitions the woman who runs the site is not a lesbian.. .she is bisexual since she has children from a marriage. Funny, she would say she is not.

But it wasn't just the sexwork thing. It was many things. Bitching about the Lword catering to oldschool feminists and college dykes (like that is a bad thing). A whole bitchy discourse on LUGs... Lesbians Until Graduation... they were complaining about these young women who discover women when they go to college, start wearing dyke buttons and calling themselves lesbians and going to pride marches and joining LGBT groups. And they said that several years out of college they're all married.

I find it fascinating that this phenomenon is being put down. There seemed to be some idea that they shouldn't call themselves lesbians at all, but rather bisexual. Though I think that most of them that call themselves lesbians do so for completely honest reasons. Not to mention the incredible pressure, which I experienced, to call yourself a lesbian if you feel any attraction to women. If you say "oh I like guys too" they say you are being internally homophobic. If you have a boyfriend but have a crush on a girl the lesbians say "oh, you're just in the closet, you're really a dyke". Believe me, I lived it. It took years to get over the pressure and fear of disapproval and exclusion if I spoke up and said I liked guys too, and didn't cringe walking on the street with a guy.

So there is all this pressure from lesbians to call yourself a lesbian (we see this "claiming" of media personalities too.... if someone is with a woman or if they are a historical character known to have female lovers, they are claimed as a lesbian, not bisexual), and then if you call yourself a lesbian you are a LUG if you don't stay with only women the rest of your life.

The thing is that many women, including the blog owner, were married at college age, and then come out as lesbians afterwards. Why in heaven's sake is THIS acceptable to lesbians? Why are these women not given some nasty name like SUKs (STraight until Kids) or SUDs (Straight until Divorce)? Why not? Because it is GOOD to leave the men and become a lesbian even if it means you were not sure of your sexuality or stick with your choices from college age. But it is BAD to leave women and become bisexual or straight if you were not sure of your sexuality or didn't stick to your choices from college age. That makes you a traitor.

It is of course the same as anything. Jews who become Christians or athiests who become Christians are born again and welcomed into the fold. Christians who become Jews or athiests are lost sheep taken up by the devil. Someone who defects from Communist Russia is welcomed with open arms by the West, and someone who leaves western thought for communism is evil incarnate. and on and on.

The funny thing it is not usually seen as self-interested.The change in allegiance is seen as a wonderful awakening if it is done in the right direction, and an indication of personal weakness, treachery, and confusion if done the wrong way.

On this blog's comments we were getting things like "I have never met a bisexual who wasn't confused". Let's replace that with lesbian or gay, and it would be called homophobia, something that was greatly discussed and pointed out in this blog. But when I called that biphobia, I was told it was my personal issues venting all over their blog. hmmm. yeah.

And apparently because there are bisexual characters on the LWord, it should be called the L and B Word since they are trying to appeal to bisexuals. uhuh. Like Desperate Housewives should probably be called Desperate Housewives and Husbands. After all I am pretty certain there are not only housewives on that show.

It just seems to me that sort of thing indicates deep issues with bisexuality. They never said it should be called the L and S Word, since there are straight people on the show.

They also said the woman Jenny going back to her husband after she'd been fucking around on him with this woman Marina (who has a longterm girlfriend but they have an open relationship and sleep around) was "allowing him to put his man shit inside her".

I said that was biphobic. And the blogger responded that no, it was the safe sex or lack of it that concerned her. And went on to say it is bisexuals and gay men who spread AIDS. Now that is biphobic if you ask me, esp from a lesbian point of view. Unsafe sex with body fluid exchange, or blood exchange spreads AIDS. I fail to see how Jenny was going to get AIDS from her faithful monogamous husband. It was SHE who was sleeping around with nonmonogamous lesbians without protection, and could have been giving him chlamydia, herpes, venereal warts or hepatitis just to name a few.

The blog had started on the lesbian moms Tina and Bette. Now if we want to bitch about people bringing AIDS into the women's community, they first tried to get pregnant with a male friend of Tina's, however he had a female lover who didn't even know he was giving up his sperm. How safe was he if he was regularly sleeping with someone else? And then they picked up some cute guy and tried to get him to have a threesome with them, but he wised up when they wanted him to only fuck Tina not Bette, and bareback. Um, now THAT's real safe. But we don't discuss that cuz they're lesbians, not bisexuals.

Not to mention the hypocrisy of a woman who was married with kids (the blogger) and then came into the lesbian community, calling it "allowing him to put his man shit in her" ewwww... um how exactly did she get those kids, and did SHE get an AIDS test before sleeping with a woman?? How exactly can she, as someone married for years to a man, call herself lesbian now and point to bisexuals for spreading AIDS?? I dunno. It seems to me a bisexual woman sleeping with only women is less likely to get AIDS than she was boinking men. And while she was looking up her girlfriends, what was her husband doing? hmmm.

Anyways, the boggling part is that they all claim they have nothing against bisexuals but they wouldn't date one, that bisexuals are all looking for a woman to go with her and her man, that bisexuals want to go with women cuz they are tired of men (back to the married woman who becomes a lesbian)... that bisexuals are confused, that bisexuals carry AIDS.

Anyways, so much for "progressive lesbian blog". What a laugh.

OH yeah, and the On Our Backs women are nasty too apparently. Cuz an editor married a man. Well, you know what? Once you throw out the bisexuals, the old school feminists, the LUGs, the college dykes, the trendy dykes, the westcoast dykes, the ones who do On Our Backs and sex work, there is getting to be a pretty damn narrow school of women left. Perhaps they are the Real Lesbians and they have a secret handshake. And only oral sex. On tv shows that don't cater to anyone they don't like, and not watched by straight men. WIth no stereotyping cuz we wouldn't do such a thing.

I dunno. I really think that a woman who marched in a gay pride parade or edited a lesbian sex magazine might be counted as an ally. A political sister. But apparently if you are not pure you are the enemy.

Now you are getting an idea of why I hang out less and less with women who identify as lesbians and more with dykes who call themselves queer, kinky, bi, or leatherwomen instead of focussing on gender. People who don't care if you are a man or a woman or bi or ftm or queer or straight as long as you are willing to be open to all of those. People who are tolerant of diversity and intolerant of intolerance. I would call that progressive I would.

I will leave la creme de la creme for tomorrow, where I get told off cuz I insulted her BLACK WOMAN ness. I tell ya, at that point, with her button already gone, I just grinned when I got that. sigh. But that is another rant.

And somehow it is 6am already.

I went to the bede en direct thingie.. live cartooning... it was kind of funny. It was sposed to be from 1 to 2am for me... we were asked to be there 15 minutes in advance. I was, but we didnt start til nearly 1:20 am, and I didnt get my four required pages done until nearly 3:15 am. Dang. So much for only an hour out of my work night.

Bars here get out at 3am and it was mad mayhem in that area of town. I had to walk quite a ways to where I could hail a cab... all the cabs were taken and millions of people surging all over the streets trying to hail any one that had a light on, or not. But finally I got home, and did my tax papers and here I am. TIred out and not enough work done once again.

And tonight, Sunday, I am supposed to go support a friend who has a singing gig at 8pm and sell my comics. Haha. Hahahahaha. And Monday morning at the bank at 11am. hahahahaha. Oh I see all the time for hard work.

And you know what? taking a break from drawing comics and illustrations to do four pages of comics in two hours is not a break. It makes your hand tired and crampy from working at breakneck speed for two hours. Normally I do one page an hour and get a cramped hand.

Well, I don't think my mood is so great. Not so bad, but not so great. So maybe the quiz is right. But it's not the right time of the month for coloring in with the crayon.

Thankyou for your forbearance. You know, I miss Meeyapede at Diaryland. Yes, Jessica Lovejoy. With her rants and attitude. I do. And Sleepyzoe. And Cailliath. Where did these buddies go?? But I am happy with all of you who are still around too. yay.


Me, wenchie.zzzzzzz

BTW any of you want to print me up a "malebashing bisexual prostitute" tshirt? I'll trade ya for a book or two! hehe. I'll even wear it!

ppppppsssss. well that looks like a tire leaking but it is really only a p.s. ok? I forgot to say, i called Rockstar's place and got his girlfriend... and he is out of hospital and i got to talk to him! oh that is GREAT! I am so glad he is going to be ok! He is staying at his girlfriend's ( I didn't know she moved out, which is why he had the roommate who went nutso and acid and stabbed hiim)... they are still together just wanting a bit more space. She's playing "naughty nurse" he says. So he still has his sense of humour. She says all through the stabbing and police and hospital he never lost his sense of humour. He's stopped drinking (you have no idea how huge that is) but one of the reasons she took him home is so he could smoke cuz he couldn't in the hospital. Too funny. But I guess having to go through the stress of being stabbed in the head and chest wouldn't necessarily be the best time to give up smoking. hehe. Well, that's the update. Rockstar is doing great and going to be fine. yay!! nite nite again!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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