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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 2:50 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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No Need for No-doz in the Drinks


Why can't I just be happy to do things alone and have friends I get along with who think to come in and out of my life every three years.

I don't know.

I was happy.

And then I had to go and stick my neck out and invite someone for New Year's Eve. Even then a "no" would have been ok. Cuz I didn't really expect anything.

But when I get a yes, then I start to be happy about that. To plan which cute red and black dress to wear. Which stockings, which underwear. To imagine going together. To imagine dancing with someone, to having someone to introduce instead of being sucked into groups of other people, introduced around, spit out, getting sucked into another group of people... a couple here, three friends there, and going home alone. No, to actually go with someone and have someone to be there with.

But no, Breezip, I won't need to slip anything into his drink. Cuz he will be across town at his family's party.

He forgot that his daughter (she's 14) is coming into town this afternoon. So he's sorry, he will be at his family's place with her on New Year's Eve. In fact he will be having fun with her for the next several days. He loves his kid. She's beautiful and intelligent, loves art and music and gets along well with her dad. That's cool.

Yeah, that would be the same guy I was hoping against hope to have an "accident" with and be pregnant by him 16 years ago. Oh well.

Yeah that would be the same guy whose family said I was very welcome to come for their New Year's celebration at their place when I was there for Christmas. It is always harder when people's families want to include you but the person who would be your date doesn't invite you. It seems more gaping that way. Oh well.

He dropped by this morning at 11am while I was still sleeping. We looked at my studio changes, discussed art and contracts and various things and then went to sleep til he woke just after 2... he's meeting his daughter at a coffeeshop next to my place at 2:30. I guess he could've invited me for a coffee there while he waited but he didn't. He said goodbye at the door and said we'd call eachother.

He's a nice guy. We get along great. Lots to talk about. Think eachother are talented and attractive. But my libido has gotten lost again, and he's back to kissing me on the cheeks. We're the same size so we sleep well together. Very comfortable.

Somehow now my fun party with the funky punk dyke dj at Motorcycle Boy's (another cute guy I wanted to sleep with... we are good friends, have lots to talk about, he's the same size as me so we fit well together)... just doesn't make me as happy as it did at 10:59 this morning.

Somehow my happiness at my studio changes, my work coming in, my friendships, my new year coming up is trying to spiral into a dip of why yet another year am I alone with no one in my life, other people spending time with their kids and families. I don't feel like spiralling.

I'll have a good relaxing day. Walk doggies. Draw my comic. Plan what to wear to the party tomorrow night. I'll look cute and sexy and be fun and animated.

Right now I am just having a hard time not crying.
Actually to tell the truth I am not succeeding.
This is why I am alone. Too emotional.

Just a date with a friend.

We'll go dancing another time.




Your doggy loves you and you love your dog. You're 41 years old and your mom loves you. You have friends and good health.

I should've written my "bilan" of my year last night but I was too tired. It would have been more upbeat than if I write it now.

Gotta go.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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