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Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
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- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, May. 13, 2004 - 4:46 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Quitting Flamenco and Running Uphill??

I know it sounds dumb, but I am really really tempted to not do the flamenco show. It eats up a lot of time... and if I don't practice all the time then it goes badly... it is lots of pressure to do it perfectly.. but not just do it perfectly, but to do it in synchronization with everyone else. There are lots of personalities. And some of the personalities are not so good at remembering their footwork or staying in line. Or rather it is hard to stay in line with someone who forgets their footwork, if you do it correctly. Very hard. You either need to fuck up in the same way, or you are not the same.

And it is not so fun to have the teacher stressed out and shouting about "working with amateur dancers" for her choreography. When she forgets what she told us to do, and when we say "it wasn't like that last time" she says "who is the choreographer, you are me, there is only one choreographer and it is me... and if we forget then it is "I can't tell you everything twice you have to remember it you have to remember it."

It is not so fun. I don't even have a whole bunch of people coming to see me at the show. It is $20. So I am not going to invite my friends with kids whom I think would like it. $60 for a woman and two kids is too much just to see me dance flamenco.

And the show is one week after the finals for my Far North book is due... that means it will be the MOST high stress when I am working on deadline... with dress rehearsals and practices and no you cannot miss.

And the show is right when everyone is on vacation AND busy AND moving... why didn't I think before that June 30 is actually the same as July 1, which is national moving day, and Canada day and all that... one week after June 24 which is the National Holiday of St Jean Baptiste.

I am a quitter if I just take the regular flamenco class, and not do the show after practicing and paying for the rehearsals. But maybe I AM a quitter. I took flamenco for fun and to enjoy it. Not to be stressed out with tension in my back and a headache and someone yelling, and arguments with people for doing it perfectly in a group.

It is just not so fun.

I have lots of pressure things, like the comics, and the garden, and stuff which go from fun to responsible responsible responsible.

Damn. I don't know what to do. But I feel exhausted and not so happy. Will I just feel MORE left out if I don't do the show? I don't know.

Now I go back to work.

I am happy to say that I got all four pages of my comic done and uploaded that I needed to do for while I am away this weekend. That is excellent. Wednesday night and I have comics uploaded through til end of Monday. Good girl me. hehe.

Tomorrow is a crazy busy day. Go to the bank and flamenco and then a bunch of friends have a vernissage, and preparing everything for dog pickup before flamenco, and then packing to leave for Toronto, and going at 6am. I don't feel ready.

I just want to go to sleep. I swear. No flamenco. No travelling. Just sitting in a cafe drawing comics of people buttfucking. hehe. I am a goofball.

Hugs to me.

My stomach is hungry.

I am tired.

I still need to do lots of tons of shit.

But the laundry is done and the dishes washed and the tomatoes watered and the feral cat hopefully dealt with and the comics done and I am blathering and behind on reading y'alls survey replies and diaries. I am sorry. I am trying. Why do I feel like I am running uphill?????

Some people have real troubles. Ten kids and a drunk husband, a bad landlord, a sick mother, a handicapped sister in the hospital to visit everyday, I dunno.


Hugs to me again.

Though who knows if I deserve them.

Everyone deserves hugs I guess.

Gotta go.




The Bear book will be out May 28 supposedly. Funnily enough it is dedicated inside it to ob. Life changes faster than the publishing industry which just cannot keep up. I hope she likes it.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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