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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Mar. 05, 2005 - 3:33 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

A Night Off At Home is Not a Night Off When You Work from Home

waaaa.... I am just too poopola'd to upload any pics for y'all.


I used to be so good at making sure there was a photo at least every second entry. Oh well.

... well, I was feeling totally like a slouch and guilty that I didn't go to the watercolor class yesterday ... I was like "oh, you could have gotten up and gone, you don't have that much work left on that Leo's Dog book... you're just makin excuses"...

But now I feel vindicated... I totally didn't finish scanning in the illustrations and wrapping them up to deliver them until EIGHT -TWENTY A.M.!! yikes!! If I had gone to the watercolor class I would've been wrapping them up at noon or one pm without having slept at all!

So, I dropped them off at the editor's this afternoon at 3:30 pm. It's weird having a desk empty of that job... it seems to have been there for half my life! Blame long deadlines! No, blame me, for my personal weirdnesses, perfectionism, procrastination, and fear of self-imposed goals. I totally weirded out in September/Oct when I should've been doing the drawings because I wanted to break out of my style, do something more biting, more original, more artsy. And freaked myself out.

I should know better.
I do most of my best work when I don't take it seriously. When I get serious I get uptight, I get overcontrolled, I get fearful. And it shows.

but it's ok, I eventually got over it. The book'll be ok. But it will not be my breakthrough great illustrator book. An Adequate Book.

I am just an adequate illustrator. If I had a different personality that took more risks when there is something at stake it would be better. But I don't. Funny that.

But it's done now.

And yeah, I wanted to have a nice time out of the house tonight. Called a bunch of people yesterday. Got lots of "oh I totally want to see you! Can we do it Saturday/ next week/ in three days?". Um. No. Tonight is when I need a break and Saturday I have to work, and next week I have to work. I have to work on the South Korea thing. And what I will now call the Poetry book... it is the sequel to several more dog books I did, but in this one the theme is poetry. I think I mentioned it. Lots of work. And I don't get paid til I finish it.

Even Disappearing Boy just went home after work pooped out, so no date. No movie, no restaurant, not even a video and a cuddle. But he totally sounded exhausted. I don't blame him.

Lacking a playfriend, I couldn't rouse myself on my 5 hours of sleep to get dressed up and venture anywhere interesting, so I just went to the local snackbar/cafe and had something on the menu that I have never had. One would think that having gone there for ten years now, that I would've exhausted the menu. But actually I am a creature of habit, so there are many items I haven't partaken of. So I had a medium rare grilled pepper steak with salad and frenchfries. At the start I had ambitions to tackle a cake or pie afterwards, but I was full.

I also invited another dogwalker girl to come over for a drink or a coffee but she was off to the bar. hehe, I told her to run the idea of me joining her and the other girl she was meeting by the other girl, and if it was fine, to ring me. No ringing so no joining. I also bought a lime, having ambitions to drink the two Coronas in my fridge. But the closest I got was moussing the last of the milk to put in my coffee. woooo! live it up live it UP!!

And then I have sat here for 4 hours deleting messages in my inbox and sent email files cuz my Netscape keeps refusing to load for lack of memory. I have to go into my harddrive and delete them snm files everymorning so I can download my new messages. That is just silly.

I didn't get my comic done today. I shouldve gone to the cafe right upon getting home from dropping off the illustrations, but I sort of diddled about here at home waiting for DIsappearing Boy to call, and then it got to be late so I went for dinner. Oh well. That means twice as much work tomorrow on comics, which means less work on the work, which means I might not be able to go to the party that l'Ecrivaine invited me to. Hah. No, I SHALL work and work and work and then be able to put on a nice outfit and go out. I will I will I will.

See, I am trying to convince myself.

These days I feel exhausted. I want to sit in the middle of the floor and cry like a very small child.

I feel my life getting smaller and smaller around me. No flamenco, no photography (no $ for development), no fetish goings on, fewer and fewer friends I see. Two weeks since the last date with DB. No time no money no energy. I want laughing and dancing and sex and giggles and juicy good food and friends and people to spoil with gifts and thoughts and words.

It's ok. things will look up they will.

I am trying to convince myself again.


I had lots of things to write on. Like the drug bust here in Canada where 4 policemen were shot... worst police tragedy in 120 years. Like the pedophile bust in France. Thirty or forty small kids and their parents implicated. The issue of deserters in the US army, and how hard it is to get people to shoot on the battlefield (it is in Harpers Magazine this month... good story). Like should I get my hair shaved off to raise money for children's cancer charity? See, lots of things to write about. But mostly I just whined. I am whiny. My ex bestfriend told me. And she's right.

She's the one who said "Life is not pretty". hehe.

well, this is the end of the entry.
I am going to get a grilled cheese and go to bed.
night night.`


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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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