Sunday, Aug. 06, 2006 - 12:22 p.m.
Cost of the War in Iraq
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Onewetleg started her latest entry : "Poor, dear, neglected diary," and I guess I can say that too.
I don't know. Either I am really busy... opening of the Outgames, Gay Pride parade, workshops, friends in from out of town staying at my place, Leather competition, processing with the boyfriend, sending photos of all of the above by email to the people in them, making cds of other photos and videos... or I am exhausted, trying to get around to practicing guitar, actually attempting to do a tiny bit of work, or just bumming.
Now I am just bumming.
Me and artsyguy are not doing good. If I am disappointed he doesn't spend time with me or if I feel unloved (where is the guy who reached out to me, asked if he was too touchyfeely? Where is the guy who complimented me and made me feel great, who wanted to spend time with me) ... he is annoyed, irritated, feels guilty and "cheap" (his word), blames me for my behaviour which incites him to pull back. And I just feel worse than before. Apparently I have expectations. I should be zen. I shouldn't be bothered if he says "look, we don't have to spend every night together!" when we had planned for three weeks to do a couples pampering workshop together, it is cancelled, and he doesn't show any regret, just wants to go home alone and work on his music... and it has been three nights apart already. Makes me feel he is just glad to get out of an unwanted obligation.
Right now I feel like a failure. I feel unlovable and like all the little bits of snarkiness when I'm impatient, ranting I do when upset, speeches I give when I am impassioned, bounciness and loudness when I am happy, even nice things I do or time I plan to spend together, are just negatives, weights that outweigh anything good about me. Talent, intelligence, generosity, caring, an ok body. Sometimes I'd rather be overweight, ugly, with bad teeth, stupid and oblivious... at least I wouldn't feel I must be rotten enough to overcome all the obvious benefits once someone gets to know me.
The good thing is that feeling this way I will probably lose the 10 lbs I could stand to lose. After all I lost 20 lbs with the breakup with ob. The heartache and hunger sort of feel the same, empty and cold and achey, and so I don't even notice when during the day hunger comes up. It is masked by the heartache. Not to mention that I just lose all interest in opening my mouth. Not to talk, to sing, anything. Feels shut down.
I don't know. I think he was trying to get me to agree to break up. I didn't. I thought we had. I spent the night. In the morning I wasn't sleeping. It is hard to sleep past 6am when you feel you have failed once again. That once again the universe has tricked you with someone who seemed to love and be compatible, and then you just don't get along. That during the day you are forgetting things, and unfocussed and unable to work, just zoning out with tears, and then at 6am you panic and think about how the summer is nearly over and you need to work on the house, and haven't gone camping once and and and and. And I was laying there awake when he woke up and I was looking at the ceiling and said "I am unloveable" and he said "I love you" and he said he was still my boyfriend.
That was friday morning. He went to work. I didn't see him Friday night. He went to get his daughter. Saturday he took her to his parents'. As far as I can tell they are still gone.
I wish I had family close. Even my good friend hotsauce is out of town. Well, I have a houseguest. A woman I used to date in about 1992. She is also a Leo, and she is much like me in ways that make me laugh, but that other people have criticised her for... she is a super chatterbox, high energy, dancing and singing around all over the place esp in the morning, she is emotional, she interrupts and her thoughts jump here and there. She follows you around telling you stories. It is sort of validating to me. But it doesn't really matter. If the ones you love dislike those things, who the hell cares how charming it can be? Anyways, she is not here. She went out dancing last night and didn't come home. At least she called to tell me she wouldn't be back last night, and then today at noon to give her ETA.
Hah, if only I had a boyfriend like that. hmmm.
Well, it is my birthday tomorrow. 43. Can you believe it.
I just want to walk off a bridge. Which of course I won't do. I still love life and have hope. But I am so tired of being sad. I am so tired of grating on the nerves of those I want to charm. I am so tired of failure in relationships. I am so tired of losing "family" over and over. And I wish someone else would do the dishes again. At least that one, my houseguest might fulfil. hah!
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
*inspired by Chaosdaily