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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Aug. 21, 2006 - 9:30 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Second entry in 12 hours! yikes

A friend of mine said "he's oblivious".

He is.


You know, some people just step up to the bat when they see there is a need.
I thought maybe he is one of those.
One of those who think it is better to take it easy than to rush over the little things.

Water in my basement?
Me exhausted from the whole camping shebang and all the campingcooking stuff to clean up, dog to walk and back to work this morning, schlepping stuff out of the basement to the side of the road til 1am.

He well, he played music with a friend and fell asleep with a beer in front of the tv.

I dunno. If it had been the other way round, even if I played music with a friend, I would have dropped by his place with a beer for him, and gone to take a look at the mess, encourage and probably have helped him move things, even if it was only for a half hour.

He just does NOT take on other people's stuff. Not at all. Most of the times not even his kids' stuff (like he only bought two sleepingbags whereas he has two kids and himself, and didn't check that they had camping footwear or raingear).

But he is oblivious.

Like he doesn't even think he is supposed to or would be expected to pitch in at all. This morning he rides by on his bike and I got kisses all over my face, "there, it'll be ok, you'll manage, does kisses help? gotta go, late for work!". Yes, kisses do help. It is better than zero. Without him there is zero. There is me struggling, and when I get overwhelmed I cry while I walk my dog in the park.

Is it better to go camping and shoulder mostly all than not camping at all?
Is it better to get kisses and no help than nothing at all?

I don't know.

But he is oblivious to how close I am to starting to check the personal ads.
It sort of breaks my heart.
and what are the chances that I'd find anyone now.
I never have.

and ps... what is up with that Carlos Canadian and his cryptic comments (see the comments on this entry)? Ahh yes... artsyguy is the first person I have gone out with, as in "we are an acknowledged couple" in my city (and hey, in my country!) since... um... March 1997. That is nearly ten years. I did have that latex guy (11 mos) and the little criminal (off and on for 1.5 yrs) that I hung with, had sex with etc. But at no time were we ever meant to be, were stated (to others or eachother) to be or planned in the future to be, a couple, ie "we have a future together. We have a present together".

haha my therapist says I am special, that I am a gift of the goddess, I am intelligent and spirited and talented*, that I see things others don't see and insist on saying the truth, that that is a special road, a wonderful road... and a very lonely road. (*and let's not forget, demanding, critical, perfectionist, overachieving, very verbal, moody, emotional, and off the beaten track re attitudes, sexuality, books, music, interests etc ok?) yah. Forget the personals cuz... um yeah, they are BEATING DOWN MY DOOR to go out with me!!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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