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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Jun. 25, 2004 - 6:20 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Wenchola da Granola is she PMSing?

not much to say.

had a quiet day. got up late, since i went to bed so late. The tylenol, cheese melted on Azim bread and Diaryland DID help with the cramps.

had breakfast in the park. Went to practice Carmen with the girls (and yes there were only 5 of us out of 10), DIDN"T stay for the actual class (they are doing all the dances in preparation for the show next week, and I wont be doing them, so it seemed pointless to annoy myself with a class on a legal holiday)... there were only 6 people out of 25. I have NO idea why someone wouldn't just reschedule the class to a non-legal-holiday day, esp since they want people to be synchronized for the show.

We DO have a general rehearsal at the theater on Tuesday which I will go to, now that I am not in deadline rush. I hope to finish Soccer Kid this weekend. And I glanced over the US work I got. My god. it really is only 11 individuals to draw, at $150 US a pop. in black and white. For the same page in a book, a family tree. So it should take me two nights... one for the sketches, one for the finals. Now THAT makes me happy . yay! Two nights work will pay almost double the price I got for the whole Far North book!!! (go back to this entry and this entry to see the final drawings if you didn't look at them already)

Egads, it is mere days away from the Federal Election. Some of the ads are scary. God I hope more people vote for the NDP. Incredible to think that they were once the govt and then ended up getting reduced to a few seats. And now we have the Liberal party who have been fucking up (though Jean Chretien at least kept us out of that stupid trumped up Iraq war!! I was very proud to be Canadian at that point), and the Conservative party, who has been grafted onto the Alliance party, a bunch of right wing bush-type western separatists now pretending to be openminded, and caring about the whole country. The Green party which is less green than the NDP, and the Bloc Quebecois. I have no idea how they are even allowed to be in a federal election, since as far as I know, they only represent the interests of Quebec.

But imagine, unlike the States, we seem to be able to have an election without a year of preliminaries. wow. To the voting booths in three days.

I have inadvertently discovered that I can change the colors on the icons and scroll bar in Internet Explorer. I leaned on the keyboard while I clicked "back" and there was a whole menu of colors. who knew. I have some purple color now. I may go back to blue. Like it makes any difference to you all.

What did I do today? I finally planted the pansies and impatiens I got for free from the community garden. These are not my flowers of choice. But at least they are now in soil instead of a seeding tray. hehe. BTW the tomato seedling that I put in water, and that sprouted roots out of its stem is now officially dead. I planted it, and then it got rained to death. It was some wilted sodden leaves lying on the ground today. no good. oh well.

I also watched the other movie. Something about sex and god and a weekend away , I dunno I forgot to write down the title. That means I don't care to recommend it. Lots of adult drama. I ended up crying. jeesh. Why is my mind like a teacher with flash cards before an exam, flashing me pictures of my relationship with ob. I dunno. A sort of shitty night. I went back and read a bunch of emails. The last month of our relationship, where we email each other a dozen times or two dozen, in an evening. Sharing links and thoughts, caring and sexiness. Then between the times she fucked me over. The pleading for me to come back into her life. The enumerations of what she appreciates about me, my personality, what I do, what I'm like. Then the nasty comments in my diary. Telling me that I am not unlovable. Just some, most of my qualities, are. And that I am horrid and she can't stand me. And that she loved me once, or convinced herself that what she thought she felt could be taken (or mistaken?) for love. God she is so full of shit. We had a wonderful time together. I was good for her, good to her, she was good for me, good to me. We had love and fun, laughter and adventure, plans and hopes and sharing.

Most of my qualities are unlovable. Stupid mean vindictive girl who cannot deal with the fact that she took a best friend, a caring devoted lover, someone who encouraged her and praised her, supported her and inspired her, and treated her like a dog that you can leave at home waiting for you while you go out on a date. GIrlfriends are not dogs. Dogs are good things. But you cannot leave your girlfriend at home alone while you go out dancing, wining, dining and adoring someone else. Duh. and duh again.

So yeah. What a sad waste. Instead of apologizing. Or even writing me like a human being she turns her love into hatred and throws it in my face. And now I so don't give a fuck about meeting anyone new. I don't trust people. I don't trust that when I feel things are going well that the other person won't act like a schizoid. It has happened too many times. I could do it over again when I was 18 and when I was 25 and when I was 32 and when I was 36, and when I was 39 and now I am just so fucking wartorn.

I never had a relationship with someone like I had with her, where we were best friends. Where we agreed on movies. Where the other person didn' t think I was adorable but incomprehensively weird. Where I didn't feel alone when I was with them. I don't know. I trusted what we had built cuz I felt it was based on real experiences we shared that built up over time.

And then watching movies like this, I see all this reflection of fucked relationships. Childhood sweethearts having extramarital affairs with people at work. Happily married people driven to suicide by having their financial dealings uncovered by the media. That is really bad for your marriage you know. Suicide. People who have been dumped or gone out with the wrong person so many times that they are seeing someone but unwilling to commit. Boy humans are a fucked up mess.

Maybe this is a good reason why our natural life span is around 40 or so in a "natural" environment. Cuz by that time we are "old and wise" and only good for nodding nicely at young people in love who are 13 like romeo and juliet. I dunno. Now Radiogurl is gonna call me fatalistic instead. Nope. I feel like only Cailliath gets it. It is not "fatalism" it is appreciating what comes along, and being reasonable about our fuckedup-ed humanness. To err is human.

Well, I am very tired. Somehow it is already 7am. I must get to sleep.

zzzz. Sorry to be a bit down. I'm probably pms'ing.

I always knew I was pms-ing when I questioned my relationship with ob. Funny, when I told her that, she just got upset that I doubted our relationship, rather than taking it as a paranoid depressive thing indicative of hormonal swings. Oh faithless girl. I had such high hopes for us, really I did. Travel. Gardens. Sports. Performances. Dancing, music art, love, sex, games, play, training.

I don't even meet people anymore anywhere that I feel akin to. Lots of lovely nice people I am friendly with. My neighbors. People in the coffeeshop. People at flamenco. etc etc. But that is like my dog getting along with the cats. Friendly and supportive but never the twain shall meet.

nite nite,

wenchola da granola

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, June 24:

This is your life, so don't waste time and don't let pride get in your way. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and you'll start really getting things done.

BTW note to ob: If you get one of those Bear books (and no I will not send you one nor sign it for you), yes it is dedicated to you. The PART of you that you let me see that you don't share out. The things we shared together. The parts of you I loved and held close to my heart. Your caring and loving of me, standing up for me, supporting me, buying me bandaids and sending me emails and phone messages to say I was on your mind. THAT is who it is dedicated to. That part that will only ever be mine. Cuz no matter what happens that was there. It was real. It was true. It was wonderful. And as you go on, you are a different older person, and you will never be that same person with anyone else, no matter who you are with and what you give them. The ob that will always be mine. In my heart. I wish you the best. I wish you were less mean. I loved you so much. that's all. I hope you like the book.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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