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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Dec. 22, 2003 - 1:00 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Happy Christmas to me from ob

wow. great flaming fireballs batman!!

I just had Canada Post ring my doorbell and demand $6.71. I had to scramble around to find this since I had taken my $ out of my pants pockets last night when I went out to Cafe Toast Thé to the "commercants" (businessowners) Christmas greet thing. The poor guy had to wait there until I finally found my bowl of spare change, and got LOTS of dimes!! hehe

Now he was like "this parcel has been returned and you owe money"... and I'm trying to stretch my addled (at noon straight from bed) imagination since the package is in a plastic bag marked "received damaged", says "" on the side, which is hard to figure, and every single instance of where it was addressed to has been pulled off and scribbled over with a felt pen very dilligently.

It looks like nothing I've sent in the past week for Christmas.

Finally, standing outside in the snow in my sandals I figure out what it is!!

It is the "final package" I sent to ob in August. Yes, it has taken from Aug 22 to today to make a round trip to SF. I couldve walked it in that time I swear!! And come out in better shape.

Well, this is something. I guess I'll consider it to be my Christmas present from ob. And it is fitting since it is so badly damaged that all the photos in it have curled edges etc... that girl never did know how to pack things for the mail. Though they ususally didnt look like they went through the meatgrinder either. I wonder if she actually received it and then used it for kicking practice before inking out any trace of her addy and shoving it in a mailbox.

Wonders never cease. I can only attest to how this is sort of a source of wonderment and surprise rather than a stabbing in my heart or something, so i guess SOME healing has been done since August.

Though it certainly changes things. Ie. I KNOW now that she didn't get the cd of BARE that I had put in for her. Or the letter asking for my things back (though she must've received my email a month ago saying same... though I can expect at any time to get a wonkin batch of emails that date from Oct and Nov that say "returned to sender undeliverable"!!)... or any of our vacation photos. I wish that they had at least been returned not mangled. I can't really use mangled photos for anything. And when she's 80, or even 40, she may wish she had photos of the beautiful cemetary in Nevada in the snow, or hell, even me! Silly girl.

You know, it is PROBABLY a good idea to receive the last mailing of your ex when you break up. You would never know what was in it. What they had to say. In fact there may have been things that belonged to you. I suppose she didnt want ANYTHING.

There were things in there I thought when I phoned in September that she had seen and had time to process.

I know now that she probably has NO CLUE what went on with her website... I had put printouts of what I was freaked about, with what I felt about it, in there. Now she probably thinks I took some fit about copyright violations, and not about the fact that she had scanned in photos of her having sex with me to send to corncob and another domme I didnt even know she corresponded with. Shit, I was perfectly fine with all the photos she had up on her website that I took. But I couldnt trust her judgment anymore when she scans photos of my naked body alone with her and sends them with a sex fantasy to someone. Esp a someone she ends up dumping me for. I mean, the SAME person who waits to put up a photo of a friend because she hasn't got permission yet, scanned in photos of her hand disappearing into my pussy, her sucking on my dick, etc etc etc... I mean really personal stuff. Without my knowledge. With a fantasy that implies that the images are of HER and not ME... "abused by pirates" hehe. No, that is what I forwarded to Geocities and wanted them to remove. I had no idea they would summarily remove her whole website.

But I mean really. I have photos of HER naked having sex with me. I didn't scan them to send to people I wanted to fuck while I was with her. How incredibly gauche not to mention illegal. And when you find out someone just seems to have no common sense, you have to put your foot down.

Well, it is rather sad about the cd and the photos. I even had to go out and buy another BARE cd since it was my fave music at the time and I sent my cd to her.

There was also a huge long astrology report that I had paid for her... I had gotten her info from her mom (hehe, I had called to make sure that her mom had a copy of her birth certificate so that if I proposed marrying me in Windsor that weekend, we would be able to go there and get it, run across the border and elope! :) ... it seemed a horoscope was a good excuse without spilling the beans on the proposing marriage thingie.

But the funny thing of course is that I thought she had read that too. She actually realized that she was rather fucking up in many significant ways, and the horoscope seemed to say alot of very pertinent things she could chew on. As well as a comparison between her and me, which was very good and spot on I thought. Oh well. I guess I paid for them, and I read them so all is not lost.

But it is still weird. Kind of like you thought you had said all this stuff to someone and then you found out they were absolutely deaf! All that stuff I thought she had received in August, had time to look at, listen to the cd, read, digest. And here it is back in my lap.

Once again, I just wish it hadnt looked kicked around and mangled. Bunch of wrinkled photos. Sigh. I guess My Myself and I shouldve packed em better. Never trust the post office.

Well, I guess that means I won't send a Christmas card. It would probably come back looking chewed by the dog in about May. hehe.

This is just something. I guess it is true that the level of love equals the level of hate. I have NEVER had anyone not take the last parcel of their stuff. Nor not give back my things afterwards. There is usually that last "here is the stuff you left at my place" etc exchange. Even Black who was a complete ass, brought me a bag of my stuff, including of all things, chocolates for Christmas.

Well, I guess when I am making a photo album of our trip across the states during my Christmas holidays, she will not be doing the same. Go figure.

I wonder if I can think of anyone who wants an Annie Lennox cd. And I'm glad I restrained myself and didn't pay for books on Amazon that were for her for a gift, when I found some I thought she would like. I almost did that. Order books for her. That "Anyways" book, and one on depression.

I guess when the Bear book comes out I will send one and see if it comes back kicked to death 4 months later unopened so she will never know that I dedicated it to her way back in August 2003.

Sigh. Why do I love people. Why do I bother to hold them dear. To know them and take care of them. To worry how they feel and whether they eat. To help them and cherish them.

It all boils down to having another enemy in the world who couldnt give a fuck that I even exist. Or perhaps the opposite. That they wish they could kick to death and return to sender. I am really really a failure at this loving someone thing.

I still wish she would send back Totally Hair Barbie and my book from my Mom. Oh well. Happy Christmas to me, Happy Christmas to me. Happy Christmas Happy Christmas Happy Christmas to me.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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