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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 3:15 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Rudderless in the Sea of Time

OK, second entry today. The first is here.

Today I shall put a few photos, all COPYRIGHT2004 Wench77 eh, to illustrate how my Saint Bernard is a SMALL Saint-Bernard. And not only a small saint but also a LONG-HAIRED Saint. All those people who go "she's so HUGE!!" and "You cut her hair eh?" or "She's got short hair eh?"... dang. So the photos interspersed here are of other Saints I have seen while walking my dog in my neighborhood in the past three years. And I believe they are all males. Young males, ie not completely filled out and fullgrown yet. There. that explains the photos.

Left: long-haired:male 2 1/2 yrs old, right, my doggy
Well, I feel totally unproductive these past couple or few days. I am waiting on feedback on two different contracts. I should be working on my card for my website. I should be working on the Dog Book. I have a tiny bit, but like an hour each day. That is not working, that is sluffing off. And it stresses me out. Time flies by.
I cleaned out the closet and a drawer yesterday for my friend Yogagirl who is here to stay for a couple months while she takes classes. She was to arrive yesteday at 3pm but didn't get here til 6pm. I got 3 huge bags of clothes cleaned out and a pile of books that has been stacked up since my garage sale. Now they are all in the hallway.

I went for supper with her, showed her where the closest shop was and so she could buy things for her breakie.

Walked the dog. Uploaded my page of comics. Made my diary entry. And got to bed before 5am. I dunno. I felt better when I went to bed at 7am but at least got some work done. I realize that going to bed early I don't get much done. I think I will be all productive with the extra hours the next day but it never works out that way.

Yeah, all over the place. Unfocussed. Unorganized. Goals all inexistant or mushy jello moosh goals I dunno. Time zooping by. My dad comes in like 8 days and I haven't figured out what i want him to do. I wanted to have had the plumbing fixed and the front steps fixed by the time he arrives. If I get him to paint the front balconies and steps, and then the wood
Left: shorthaired young male, right my doggy
holding them up needs to be replaced it will be a waste of time and effort. Dang. I am so unorganized feeling. Usually I feel on the ball about stuff at least sort of. Or I have a gameplan but I am behind on it. But now I feel i have no game plan.

Did I mention that I DID get to sign up for Cardioboxe? Did I mention that it started on Monday Sept 20?? And that that was yesterday and I just remembered today? What is the point of paying for classes if I don't remember to go? Dang.

Today I got up around 1pm. I wish it was earlier. Having someone here fucked up my whole schedule. I normally eat breakfast reading my emails but she was sort of ready to get going at 1pm. So I didnt eat breakfast. Then I normally take my doggie out walking, and get errands done like laundromat laundry, groceries, post office, and stop at the cafe to draw my comic page and doggies eats her lunch there. Today we went to the bio store near my place to show Yogagirl where it is, but that wasn't a very long walk for doggies. And I fed her at home so she was kinda bored. I put her in the house cuz I expected to have a parcel delivered (they left a note saying I wasnt home yesterday, and i signed the little sticky note they left so that they didnt need me home). I shoved two pieces of peanutbutter bread down my gullet, and we went off to walk to her Yoga class place to show her the route.

I swear I should just get a job acclimatising people to their new surroundings, teaching them the area, bus routes, shopping etc, doing a dry run to their new job the day before. I felt like I was back in SF orienting ob on her first couple of days in the city. heh.

So that took all afternoon. It was a long walk and she decided it was too long so I got her all fixed up for bus stops and all. We had something to eat. We went by a bulk food store (the bio one was too expensive for her) and I bought a lot of stuff (I realized last night that most of my grains and flour etc weren't fresh anymore since i haven't eaten such stuff since last winter) and we walked home, me pointing out places she might need to know the location of.

By that time it was 6:30 pm, and I made soymillet burgers... I washed down all the jars with dried goods in them, and replaced the old smelling stuff with the newly bought stuff. I washed off the top of the fridge. I threw out a bunch of cake mix and dried soups that I inherited from my mom in 2001 and that probably date to her moving here in 1997 and before... we ate and it was 9pm, so I rushed out to draw my comics page, and then walked doggies and suddenly it is now 3:41 am. Dang.

I think things will be more normal starting tomorrow, when Yogagirl starts her classes... she will be gone all day, and not looking at her emails when I want to use my puter etc. It is funny the house smells of some essential oils. Sandalwood or something. and now oil of oregano which is apparently good for warding off oncoming illness.

I don't know why. I don't want my life right now. I want to eat too much and sleep too much and ignore everything and everyone. I don't want to go to the playparty on Sat night and I just want to read a book or something. I wish I was in highschool going dully from one class to the next with the world mapped out, and my nose in a book just showing up. I wish I were a stay at home person with someone else running things.

No I dont that is silly. But I feel that way.

Left: Shorthaired male Saint, 5 1/2 months old, right: my doggy
God, I need at least a week of being focussed and productive. I DO have to make my website launch cards for the 28th... that is when the promo book for illustrators that I have it listed in will come out. I can't do a launch promo after everyone has already seen it for months. Dang.
Maybe I'll kick into gear when I get the go-ahead on the work in progress... it seems the more time i have the more i waste it. I feel like kicking myself but that takes too much energy.

I wish I had an SUV and a huge color tv and some bags of ripple chips and some dip and some beer and I dunno. yeah. well, thank god none of you are here with me and have to put up with me in this state.

Thank god i am not in a couple. I hate myself right now, so I wouldn't be so good about a couple yeah. Its ok, it is not hate, but hate, like urk, not AAGH.

hugs to me, wenchie

rudderless in a sea of sharks.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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