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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Dec. 15, 2005 - 11:54 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Small Panics for a Full Heart

Do you realise I have a boyfriend now?

What the heck do I get a boyfriend for Christmas?? The last time I had a boyfriend around Christmastime, I got him a paper shredder. He was not the romantic type. And anyways he wasn't my boyfriend, and even if he was at some point, he wasn't by the time christmas came, but since I had already bought the papershredder I gave it anyways.

Last night we went out for thai food.
And looked at photos.
and held hands and kissed.
and talked.
and I interrupted him.
and he told me it drives him crazy when i interrupt him. And he loses his train of thought.
and he mustn't be the first person to tell me that.

and I got scared and cried and freaked that this is the start of all that is wrong with me and then he won't want me anymore and why do I think that something might work out for the first time ever and I was sad and had a hole in my heart.

And it was hard.
And he was sweet.
and said he loves me.
and said shshshshsh and held me and said that once we are in our 40s that we should be able to not question a relationship at everylittlething and he is notgoinganywhere.

But I still had anxiety nightmares all night. There was stealing. And betrayal. And 911 calls. And thinking I saw longlostfriends driving by but it wasn't them, it was an old man who was a stranger, and there was finger biting (me biting, their fingers), and sleeping in a truck but also missing an airplane flight and thus the connection to the next flight, and then the alarm went.

It was not such a good sleep.

But it was an ok day.
I made a bazillion tiny cookies (photos to come) (12 cups of flour in the recipe). And wrapped some and lots of little prezzies and got it off before 5pm to my mom on the west coast. I called and scheduled std testing for us two... waiting list til february. And then I showered, and microwaved frozen homemade soup and made salad and bakingpowderbiscuits.

And he came over after work for supper and we listened to oldiesmusic and sang along to it (he can harmonise) and talked and cuddled and now I am back with a full heart and a grin and a smile and a happy feeling.

He has gone home to sleep early to catch up. And I'm going to hit the sack right now, cuz one of these days i have to do paying work instead of comics for people, and baking cookies and wrapping presents and hanging out with a great guy who plays guitar with his breakfast coffee.


to me
and you

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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