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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004 - 3:38 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

I am a Sonnet Painting

The Sonnet
Deliberate GentleLoveDreamer (DGLDf)

    Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

   Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Your exact opposite:
Genghis Khunt

Random Brutal Sex Master
   Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

    You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

6:46 am OK, let me tell you about working hard, and trying to be nice and getting along and helping people out. So, I dealt with the woman planting tomatoes next to mine by putting a barrier, instead of pulling hers out, or continuing to be angry. So I sent away to a seed place and got organic heritage seeds and babied those tomatoes since March, and asked about why they were yellowing, and bought the algae shit to spray their folliage. So I saved all my kitchen scraps and made compost in my backyard. So I offered to take care of someone's dog for the whole duration of their two week plus trip to Spain.

So I volunteer to help at a fundraiser for lesbian events at Pride, and spent the last three hours (not to mention shopping all afternoon) to make a chair and two cushions go from drab secondhand store shit to vavoom. So I put the drops in the doggy's eyes that I am babysitting, and take them to have a pee, since it is already so late.

And I notice dirt on the sidewalk... weird. And go back in the front yard. And the nice doggy has dug a hole about a foot deep and two feet wide. And has managed to dig up all the Brandywine tomatoes. Not the others I don't care so much about, but the ones I googled, and called and sent away for.

So I go in the backyard and get the leftover compost and dirt, and a bucket of water with more algae shit in it, and a little trowel. I figure, they can't have been out of the ground that long... he only arrived at midnight, and the sun has just come up, so they cannot be dead yet.

Every single one of them is broken off at ground level. There is not a sprout left to grow leaves from on any of the root parts. And no root parts on the stems. Though maybe I can put them in water.

I didn't yell at the doggy. He is missing his people. I didn't see him do it. I filled in the hole, and tried to scrape the two inches of dirt off the lawn and put it back in.

Then I came inside and cried.

I guess I can just be glad that isn't supposed to feed my family for the winter. But yeah. I'm not "cynical"... I am fuckin optimistic. I help out. I love people and animals and plants. I had faith that even if I helped my girlfriend move all the way across the states, if I kept up the relationship, was there, travelled, and loved, that we would work out. I had faith that even though I thought my tomatoes maybe had fungus (now I think they didn't cuz they were looking fantastic just this afternoon, all green and growing happy), and even though I had the neighbor trellis problem, I planted them and they were doing great. And yeah, great. I have no girl and I have no tomatoes and now I have no sleep.

But I will go tomorrow and dress up as a flapper and massage feet and hands and then come home and work some more and volunteer again the next day. Yay me.

Right now I just want someone to hold me so I can cry. Sometimes it is the most stupid things that make you feel so sad and small and alone, no matter how hard you try.

the end.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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