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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Feb. 05, 2007 - 6:25 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Nedra Soothingly Crooning in the Background

Everyone says "oh you act like you didn't have a part in it. You're to blame", and think the tears and snippiness and anger are lack of taking responsibility. "poor little me" they say to you mockingly.

What they don't know is it is the opposite. It is hard to hear things that confirm what you know, that it IS your fault. you ARE to blame.

Maybe they aren't tears of victimhood.

Maybe they are tears of guilt and self-hatred instead.

And bewilderment that one can be such a betrayal to one's own self-interests, life and happiness, just by being oneself.

You know that "true colours" song?
As if everyone liked their true colours, or that others liked them.

What if your true colours are a detestable piece of shit?

Maybe then you'd cry too.

On Sunday in the paper, it listed the top causes of accidental death in Canada in 2003. It might surprise you that suicide is #1. Stats out of 14,101 deaths:

Suicides: 3765
Transportation accidents (not air): 3027
Drug Overdoses: 1793 (could probably add most of those to suicide, under the group heading of 'self-destruction')
Fires: 196
Firearm aggression: 138
Choking on food: 110
Excessive cold, natural causes: 108
Airline accidents: 57
Drowning in the bathtub: 23
Excessive heat, natural causes: 11
Falling on iceskates, rollerblades, skateboards: 10
Venimous animals and plants: 3
Dog bites: 2
Parachute accident: 1
Lightning: 1

As I gleaned off the internet:

- In Canada, the statistics show an even greater disparity -- six suicides for every homicide. Each year, in a country of 30 million, there are about 650 homicides and 3,700 suicides.
- There are fewer than two homicides a day in Canada but more than 10 suicides daily -- each of them a violent act, and each of them a failure of public health.

Hmm, the homicides he quotes is five times that in the paper on Sunday from Stats Canada. Whatever. Like he says, we don't need more airline surveillance and dog rules, checking for guns in schools and metal detectors. We need to think about people.

I don't know what to think. Whenever someone is a shit, everyone says "have some selfrespect and stop speaking to them, block them out of your life" and "they'll get what they deserve in the end, to be alone and friendless". How nice. Perhaps we consider shunning, and self-imposed death penalties to be just deserves for social fuckedupedness. Interesting since we don't have the death penalty for premeditated murder.

And no, I am not thinking of killing myself, though I am glad I don't live where guns are easy access. Yes, sometimes I scare myself momentarily. But hey, I want to stick around, and also, you know all those insurance policies I pay for, on my credit margin, the house, the visa etc etc? They are all null and void if I die by my own hand, including hanggliding how bout that.

But it is something to think of.
And don't be too hard on people who are already being hard on themselves.
Sure they might kill themselves. But was it themselves who really really got them there??


ps, it isn't exactly "immaturity" to beat yourself up... ahhh when we are young and we can hope it is just our parents, or the people in THAT snotty hometown, and we really are great and lovable and will amount to something. When we believe we can find what is wrong with the world and ourselves and fix it, not repeat the errors of others and ourselves. By the time we are 35, 45, 55... we know how little control we actually DO have, the truth in "the common denominator in all your problems is you", the futility, the best intentions and best tries gone bad, the time running out, the friends lost, the "true colours" that we hate as much as those surrounding us in our youth. mmmm. Immature. yeah right. Hang in there folks.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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