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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Jul. 16, 2005 - 8:44 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Where oh Where have the Supportive Dads Gone?

You know Dad, sometimes I hate you. I hate you for convincing me that no one is like me. That I stand alone. "Has it ever occured to you that what is logical to you is not logical to anyone else?" you said when you were here last fall. "Maybe you are the ONLY one who thinks that, did it ever occur to you?!!" "Everyone can see how you are wrong. Maybe you should just give up now and go to bed." "Has it ever occured to you that you're the ONLY ONE who is bothered by that? Has it? Has it? Grow up. Grow up. Grow up." "When everyone realizes what you're like you'll be alone alone alone. How will you like that then? Won't be so smart then will you."

You know what. I am so glad the internet exists. I am so glad that I can read other people's blogs and see that they are afraid of being a bad mother. That they worry they are insane. That they are stressed, or spiteful, or too sensitive or say the wrong things. That indeed there are thousands of people who think like me. React like me. Feel like slapping the social worker. Lose it with the obnoxious advice (one blog I am reading calls it assvice). Fire their social worker and adoption agency cuz they find them to be inconsistent and contradictory and not upfront. Get overwhelmed.

Thank god for the internet and all the people who display with courage and transparency their fears and hopes and frustrations and feelings. Thank you thank you. Thank you for helping me at least logically, convince myself, even if the belief lags, to see that I am normal.

My therapist keeps saying "you're normal". My doctor says "you are well within the limits of normal".

Why would a parent keep telling their children that they are alone in the world. That they don't think like anyone else, that they don't have feelings like anyone else, that no one can understand them, that no one feels like them or could understand or tolerate their feelings and actions? How is that supposed to help your child? Make them self-conscious and paranoid, constantly checking themselves, their reactions, the reactions of others. Make them be hesitant to reach out, convinced that they will just be rejected as wrong, weird, unacceptable, not understandable.

why would a parent do that?

Talk about divide and conquer. Divide from the whole effin world I tell ya.

Thank you internet bloggers.

And damn you Dad for not being a better father to me.


reading Cubbiegirl's archives. Single (ok, dating) mother domestic adoption via fostering. And yes, she has a supportive Dad.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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