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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2005 - 5:10 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Paperwork and Uniforms

Well, I have taken the evening off work. How weird is that??
I had a meeting with my professional association tonight (I am the treasurer) after sleeping in late (actually got very little sleep since I hit the sack at 7:30 am, finishing up a contract) and running around to the copycenter, wrapping up my contract for Fedex etc. So I didn't get home til 11pm, walked the doggies, and suddenly it was past midnight.

So I decided to not work (as if the previously described activities were not work!) and fill in my foster paperwork. It is weird writing down your physical appearance and personality in a space a third of a letter-sized piece of paper. Ditto 'your educational and employment history'. How specific can you get in three and a half inches? For how I discipline my children, I wrote about my dog! LOL! Well, yeah, she gets clear and consistent limits and instructions, she gets verbal reprimands. She gets logical consequences: chew the toy, it gets taken away immediately til next time, jump in the park's fountain, we leave the park immediately til tomorrow. Really... she is a quick learner. Leave the park and go home IMMEDIATELY twice, and I have one of the only dogs who isn't hopping into the fountain every ten minutes. Yay.

I picked my brother's suicide as my 'most stressful life experience, how did I handle it and what did I learn from it" since it encompassed pretty much everything. I had to get everything organized (pet care, work leave, plane ticket) with no notice, deal with shock and grief, deal with organizing things at that end: the funeral, his stuff. Deal with people: my mom, my relatives, call all his friends to let them know. Deal with the emotions and loss later: work it through in artwork, in journaling, in therapy, with friends. Realize that grief and loss isn't a onetime deal, it is cyclical and tends to be reawoken at particular times without warning, and on anniversary dates. So that's what I wrote.

What we do in my family for fun was a joy to write. I have a lot of things to do for fun, at home and outside the home. Organised sports was NOT one of the things I wrote down! hehe.

It was weird since it asks what makes me want to foster now. Well, I don't really want to foster. I want to adopt. I want to create a family. I don't mind putting in some time doing respite first but really, my goal was to adopt. And wherever it would work out, that is where I chose to go.

It is also difficult for me, all these bits on employment... I don't have an employer or a supervisor. And the parts about budget. My income is a rollercoaster. One month I may make $149 cdn (sept 2004) and some months I may make $12,000 cdn (yay for royalties coming in unexpectedly... ok it only happened once!). And thus my expenditures are a rollercoaster. When no money comes in i am careful careful careful. If possible. Since sometimes you have to commit to things (plane tickets home, promotional pages in catalogues) at particular times of the year whether you have income or not. So it goes on credit. Then you hope to heck that enough $ comes in to cover it before you pay more on interest than you paid to start with. But um, monthly income? Monthly expenditures? hah!! Maybe I can just take last year's figures on my income tax and divide by 12. Doesn't reflect reality ONE IOTA. (esp since large sums usually come in in February, which is royalty month and also is the deadline month to pay into tax-deductable registered retirement savings plans, so they appear as income but they don't really facture into my expense accounting).

At least I got to skip by the stuff about how my kids will deal, how they are doing in school, how I get along with my spouse. And no one has ever asked me to marry them, so I don't even have to explain a divorce. Yay for the lack of marriage here in Quebec!! (I have friends who have been together over 10 yrs without ever getting married).

I will have to ask about references... I am not sure if I can write down my friends who live out of province. And I have to see if my therapist would be a good reference... what do you think? Is that a good idea (she is VERY pro-me being a parent, but she doesn't visit my real life). If not, I need to find another friend, since the one I had always counted on, my great mom of two friend, has said she would NOT give me a reference for fostering cuz she thinks it is too much. She would only give a reference for straight adoption. Dang our system.

And all that stuff about sex, age of child etc. At least race was easy. I put no preference. But let's see. I would like to adopt a baby girl under the age of a year?? A baby boy would be fine too. But I think I'd be open to doing respite to kids of absolutely any age. If they aren't staying forever I don't care if they are 5 months or 3 yrs or a teenager who needs a place to stay for two days or a week. Really I don't care. I guess I could write that but the space to write in is about a half inch wide and one line high. Dang.

I guess I'll wait to talk with someone.

I think that tomorrow's class and next week's class (the last one) are on the adopt side of the foster adopt. I sure hope so, since up to now it really has been foster focussed, and the woman who teaches us is only in the foster services so she brushes off my questions.

Well, so here I am. I DARED to fill out the forms. Dang. That was a big step. It was scary. Like committing to have a kid here with social workers in tow tomorrow afternoon. I keep telling myself: you don't have to give in the form until the classes are all over. You don't have to give in the form....

I guess the scary thing is signing that they can call my doctor, my job, my friends etc, any school or other agency to get info on me. I don't mind if I am going to fosteradopt. But if I change my mind, I have signed that paper authorising them to check into my whole life. eek. I should ask, if we say no, do they instantly rip up that consent form and the consent is removed?? I sure the hell hope so.

Well, that was my evening.

.......nope! I also repaired a drawer for a tenant. funny how removing a multitude of badly placed screws and nails ... which did NOT hold the front onto the drawer, and fixing it makes me feel good. competent. I used... tada!!!! GLUE!!! wow. And four nails. And used string to tournequet it together and clamp it down to dry. The incredible thing is that not a single one of the people who put in the multitude of other screws and nails, testimony to previous failure, ever applied glue.

I used to fix antique furniture for a living. Glue. Use glue. Good Lepages white or yellow carpenters glue. Watersoluble glue. If you use enough, remove the excess and clamp it well, you can fix most anything wooden. I hate plastic. I hate aluminum. Wood is fixable. For hundreds of years.

OK, end of repair lecture.
Time to go to bed. (wow! 5am and not 7:30!!!)

Ps, here are the drawings of the lesbian moms that my client says are 'stereotypical' and I cannot draw like the one on the right... she apparently is wearing an undesireable 'Lesbian Uniform". Yikes!!!!
Copyright 2005 Wench77

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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