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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Sept. 16, 2005 - 1:47 a.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Yes, Wenchie

Ahhh, yay fathers.

So i called dad. Yeah.

Talked a bit about work.

About the dog.

Said I might adopt.

Said thankyou for the birthday present... the Calvin and Hobbes books were very thoughtful.

And the "Angry all the Time" book on top of it all in a birthday present was very thoughtless.

Apparently I am 40 not 10 so I shouldn't be crying when my father sends me an "Angry all the Time" book on top of my birthday present, with a note about anger and shame in the family even before I see anything else, not the books, not the card.

I said "I didn't call you up on Christmas to say thanks for the Christmas present and start in on how you are a bad father" "No, you had said it before".

Well, I hadn't spoken to him one iota since he had left my place, and in fact tonight was the first time I even brought up that he was impossible here a year ago. So "said it before"... um, well yeah, when you are screaming "GROW UP GROW UP GROW UP IT'S ANCIENT HISTORY" to me, I am likely to say "please get out of my house now and stay in a hotel".

So, no I didn't say anythign about it since then. I have no idea what to say. HE on the other hand sent me that 12 page fax on how I am so fucked up blah blah and he hopes I change cuz he loves me.

He brings up tonight "you didn't even respond to that fax I wrote".
No, I was nice and didn't tell you how nasty and uncalled for it was. How preaching and condescending, not to mention self-pitying and whining.

I didn't reply. He should be happy. I didn't send him any self-help books. I figure it is his responsibility.

He's like "did you look at the book" Yes I did.
Well, ??
"Well, perhaps if you will look it over again, Dad, you might notice the parts that say your friends and family probably don't feel like talking to you" [when you blow up at them, belittle them, scream at them and put them down when you are angry] ... that last part I add here, I didn't say.

"So, wenchie, you saw me in it. Did you see any of yourself in it?"

"Of course I did. Anyone could see some of themselves in it" (totally true, I don't know anyone who does not get angry in at least some of the situations discribed).

However, unlike what the book mentions, I do NOT have friends and family pulling away from me because of my anger (because I work too hard and am stressed out and worry, has happened, but not cuz of my anger). I do NOT lose jobs because of my anger. I have quit jobs where there did not be a solution that was equitable, and yes, the lack of honesty, or paying on time, or keeping to deadline DID make me angry. But I certainly didn't lose jobs because of anger.

The book says "your anger costs you money:" I DO NOT destroy things from being angry. I DO NOT have a list of objects I have had to replace cuz I have broken them in a fit. I have not hit people out of anger. I don't curse people out and call them disgusting names.

No, I do not go bananas like the book says. I suppose my father has lost jobs, but he doesn't hit people. He beats porcupines to death with sticks, smash smash smash dead dead dead. A bit frenzied.

I do not pick fights for no reason. My father shouts and says I am attacking him when I ask if he has put the salad dressing on the salad. I shout and say he is attacking me when he is telling me I am like the welfare bums in his building who don't have priorities, because he has "caught" me reading on the internet when he thinks I should be working.

Yes at times I have lost control of my frustration. Sometimes I am bitchy. I am even angry at quite a lot of things, from the treatment of the people in the Superdome in New Orleans, to the way people glare at me and say "terrible" out loud cuz they are telling eachother I am abusing my dog when I let her lay on the pavement while I have a coffee.

But I absolutely am FED UP WITH his constantly diverting any criticism of his behaviour onto his past (My mother shamed me, we were only allowed to show anger, I can't help how I am) or onto me (Sure I see myself in that book, but don't you? Sure I was impossible at your house, but now about your life, really you should get your life into shape).

Anyways, I am sorry I even touched on the visit last year. I really wish the telephone had died as soon as I had said "sending the Angry All The Time book and letter on top of the present was thoughtless".

Now I can remember him saying "yes, wenchie, yes wenchie" the same way he used to say "yes dear, yes dear" to my mom, and then to my stepmom.

It means "you are out of control, you hysterical woman, no point in listening to you, and no point in telling you I disagree, I shall humour you by saying "yes" when we both know I don't mean it in the least, please shut up".

Now if I had only had different role models in my life.
I am afraid I know WAY too well how to say "yes, dear".

And if you say it to me like that?
I will probably leave you.
Ahhh, you see? Pain from my past creeping into my present.

But as far as I can see, it shows an extreme disdain and disregard.

And if you do that to me, that is disdain and disregard in my present, and also in my future if I stay with you.

It tells me, there is no point in saying I dislike you saying that.
Cuz you will "yes dear" that too.

Like tonight.

Permit me.

"Stupid Ass"


Sorry bout that.
Guess I don't have my anger under control.

Back to work.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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