Music today: Bare by Annie Lennox yet again
Readingmy bills and contract paperwork
Quote of the day:"The next worst thing to a quarrel is a compromise." Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume
Saturday, Sept. 13, 2003 - 3:25 a.m.
Cost of the War in Iraq
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
Listening and Dungeon Rules
Busy busy day, this friday...
I spoke with the woman about speaking about being bi at McGill next week, and looks like she is interested. She almost bumped me to a panel on sm instead, but may take me for both. She also suggested that Project 10 goes into schools much like GRIS, but are LGBT instead of just LG, so i should look into that. She has a certificate or somesuch in sex education... i want to have a coffee with her to ask about that... I still feel very uneducated... lots of informal knowledge here and there in smidgens, but no training or papers... Carol Queen is taken more seriously even when she writes erotica since she has a doctorate in sexuality. Hmmm...
Next on the agenda... more work from Toronto.. .that is a good thing, since it actually pays well for small amounts of work. Makes up for all the fun but nonpaying work. Funny though how i dont think in terms of being paid for what i do. The McGill woman said "oh we'd love to have you talk more than once, but we dont have a budget"... and the thought of being paid had never crossed my mine.
And when Divers/Cité asked if they could reproduce my GayShame comic , and asked what i would want... i said, well, a copyright notice in my name, and preferably my email addy in case anyone wants to contact me. Haha! they wrote back saying "well, they had how much $$ in mind, when they asked that question"!! it never even occured to me again. Funny how i think of renumeration in terms of doing "my job" ie children's illustration.
Still missing 2 sketches for the 2nd book for the States...and trying to find appropriate photo research took up the rest of the afternoon... still have to do them now that i've found images... and as a result got almost NOTHING done on Bear book... maybe 2 hrs max.
Ended up getting frustrated about email exchange about "dungeon rules" for beat and meet flogging exchange tonight, and called Mr. Etiquette about it... and ended up getting a lesson and lecture on dialogue and listening. I suppose it is good for me, but i just ended up down on myself and frustrated. it really is a sore spot with me because i know that i need work there. That's one reason i wanted to get trained to intervene in schools... practice, feedback and controlled milieu. Agh. Yes i interrupt. yes i talk over the other person. yes i raise my voice. yes i get frustrated and react instead of responding. no i am not good at creating a safe place for dialogue once i am emotional. aaagh.
The problem is that it just sounds like my faults from my whole lifetime, and tho i am making progress, it feels so hopeless sometimes. Beating myself worrying that it is that part of me which is why i dont have a relationship. I know it is crazy... that the relationships i left were doomed as much because of the other person's faults as my own. Ie i never raised my voice to ob, when she had already uploaded private intimate photos to share with someone else. And her need for a topdomme has nothing to do with my ability to listen. in fact she told me i listened well. But i do think that my reacting contributed to her pulling away at the end when it was going badly. "You can't shout at me anymore" she said when she had enough. And yes, i was unhappy and frustrated and angry and ready to pull my hair out and end up shouting. Very like my father... berating you while you cry. urk. ack.
Funny thing is i was always afraid to be like my father, and have my partner and kids leave me cuz i wasnt nice like my parents' divorce... and when i look at it now, it is my mom who has been single since, and it is him who remarried and is still in a relationship and has had another child... so it seems kind of dumb to be afraid to be like my father. (mustnt forget however that he is STILL afraid of losing his family... one of my brothers dead, the other estranged, and i myself stopped speaking to him for years. agh).
WEll, that was the issue today... can i ever learn to create a safe space for dialogue vs monologue or silence, when i am emotional. which is often.
Other than that... flogging party went very well, lots of fun. And i was a good girl and got home to work a couple hours before bed, so i feel better about that. Just working on my drawings calms me, in that even if i dont have a lot of color on the page, while i work I can see it more and more developing in my head... which facilitates things and is progress.
Must go to bed... busy day the next two days... must buy fan for flamenco, tickets for Peaches, go to a garage sale where the guy is hanging onto some rosaries for me, and that while i walk the dog before my 11am "Vocal Empowerment" workshop. (see, i AM working on consciously dealing with my voice!!).. zoom zoom zoom.
Now i will make a grilled cheese (ah, the longing carried over from last night so i bought supplies today) and get to sleep.
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Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
*inspired by Chaosdaily