Listening to: Montreal Jubilation Choir

Doing: Cutting out, putting grids on and labelling paper for Far North finals

Drinking: Postum

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 10:28 p.m.

I hate being stressed out. I hate having knots in my back. I hate how I am when I'm stressed out. I hate having stuff get out of hand and not have enough time. I get all argumentative and defensive and talking and talking LOUD. Pain in my back, and worries in my mind makes me less effective and forgetting things.

When you don't have enough time and too much to do you need to be nice and friendly and have people want to help you out. I just get fed up with people trying to suggest things.

"Cancel some work, don't work too much." "You have to learn to pick and chose what you do in life" "You can't do everything" "You have to take time for yourself" "I'm stressed and overworked too, I don't have time for my family, how are you different??" "Maybe you should focus more" "Maybe you should balance your time better" "Could you pay someone to do the other work for you?" "You should slow down you know" "You do too much" "You should try teaching"

When people tell me they are stressed cuz they have too much work, or have obligations they'll have to cancel etc., I don't THINK i suggest that they switch around their sleep hours (as if there are more hours in a day if you sleep at a different time of day... if one more person says "well you'd have time in your evenings if you worked during the day"... i swear i will strangle them. No, if I worked all day then at night I would have to do the things that I do during the day, ie sleep and all the stuff I did from 2-6 when I WASN'T sleeping. aagh. Do people who work during the day have miraculously nothing to do in the evening? They never need to take the dog to the vet or walk it, do the dishes or the laundry, taxes, the banking or look over the insurance forms, the garden or the work they brought home from the office. yeah right.

Funny, when I want to do things with people at 11 pm they are sleeping, not wide awake and ready to have fun. Why do people who work during the day get to say "oh, i will be sleeping", but people who work at night are lazy and could be working during the day when they say "oh i will be sleeping'.

AAGH!

Anyways, a book I had time to work on in February and read the whole text, figured out what I wanted to draw, but I didn't cuz the author said "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE WORKING ON THAT BOOK?? HOW COULD SHE HAVE GIVEN YOU THE TEXT?? IT'S GOING TO HAVE A GAZILLION CHANGES!! DON'T DRAW ON IT NOW!!!" has suddenly become top priority. Of course after hearing that (and when the editor sent me the text in January without calling me, and I said whoa, I don't have time now... and she replied... oh it is for August) I chilled. I thought "Oh, they will send me a new revised text and then I can get into it... after all it is for August".

Well, today at 4:30 pm I came into the house to get my envelopes from last night for mailing, and my comics drawing materials, and there was a message from the editor. "Hello! You've had tons of time to work on this book, I want to see the sketches! Call me!" AAGH! She says "what were you doing talking to the author? There are no changes! Yeah the book is for August, but it will COME OUT in August, I need the cover done by June 15 and the rest not long afterwards"

AAGH!

Did I mention that I have been doing sketches every week for this adult black and white language textbook. And that they haven't approved any of them, but could ask for changes and finals any day now. And I REALLY need to do that cuz it pays the bills.

AND that I have just been given today the go-ahead on the Far North book to do the final illustrations and that means 26 pages of color work for June 23?

And that I have to practice Carmen cuz even if I am only doing that, I will still be on stage in front of 300 people to perform in on June 30?

And that it is my best friend Hotsauce's birthday on Saturday and I need to make him a XXX drawing for a prezzie.

And that I haven't done my daily comic for today yet cuz I was working on the Far North book, posting envelopes (going by the copy center etc) etc

And that I am volunteering two nights (yeah I guess I could cut that but it is a once in a year thingie that I missed last year and I want to keep these connections in the women's community in town here) next week for a show.

And that I have to figure out an image for the Illustrator's catalogue, take it to get scanned, fill out all the forms and deliver it for the 15th

And that I want to have a garage sale to make some money for doggy's trailer before the bloody summer is zooming by (ie this coming weekend)

And that I have promised two pages of comics to some other dyke zine for June 7

And that I still have all those plants to put in the backyard, not to mention I need to get someone to put in a new fencepost in the backyard.

And that I had told the guy I beat up that I'd probably have the time and energy to beat him up tonight and I said no which cost me bucks bucks bucks. Damn, I better get my stress level in check and do him tomorrow, if he has time.

Well, when I say to the lovely editor lady "I thought you needed my work in August, not in June, I am in the rush right now" she replies "we are all in the rush, it is the nature of the business". Gee. Thankyou. Fuck you. As if I don't know after 12 years what the nature of the business is. But not knowing you had work on your plate is not so good.

And I say "I don't know anything about soccer" ie I have to totally figure out what position people are playing etc when it is described in the text... I cannot just draw someone doing something they wouldn't... if they are defence or whatever... hell I cannot even talk about drawing it wrong, cuz I don't even have the vocab for the positions. Ie in rugby I know that if it says "Bob is the hooker for the first game and after that played defence" I know what he might or might not do as part of his position. But I know zip about soccer and all the bloody highlights of the book are descriptions of the plays.

So I cannot draw it off the top of my head, like kids playing with dogs, or sad in the bedroom etc. I need to educate myself and get references.

But when I said "I don't know anything about soccer" meaning , "GODDAMN SHIT HOW AM I GONNA FIND TIME TO FIT THESE DRAWINGS IN?!!!" but didn't say it, the nice editor lady said "well, just look at a magazine picture".

Believe me, after 12 years in the business and 4 years doing hundreds upon hundreds of nonfiction spots of every possible subject under the sky from Aztec sun gods to people who win records for numbers of hot dogs eaten, I do NOT need some blithe suggestion I look at a magazine picture. Duh. gee, I never thought of THAT!! BRILLIANT IDEA!!

Also, have you ever seen magazine sports photos?? Think about a basketball photo in a paper. Some 6 foot tall guy is doing acrobatics and plunking a ball into a hoop from above. Is that a good reference for a basketball game with a bunch of grade 3 kids?? yeah right. Duh and duh, even if it didn't take a whole day or three to look through magazines to find said picture. Not exactly a time saver. Damn damn damn.

Anyways, enough of this rant.

I am not pleasant when I am overworked too much too do, feel I am not doing anything well enough, and have to cancel everything I want to do and have committed to. (or do it, rushing in late and rushing out as soon as I can leave). I hate it. People around me hate it. Everyone hates it.

And then I hate myself.

Wish me luck.

agh.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I didn't have time to read my horoscope this morning as I usually do. Look what it says. HAHAHAHAHA!!

Here is my horoscope for Tuesday, June 1:

A tug-of-war between personal and professional responsibilities will leave you quite exhausted -- unless you stop trying to play both sides. Take a stand. Firmly.

Yeah, I need to learn to take a stand firmly. Instead I complain and do the work anyways. Duh me.

I updated the To Do List. I struck off some things that are actually accomplished, and added new ones. I think the new ones outweigh the done. oh well!!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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