Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Jan. 09, 2004 - 1:51 a.m.

emotional personal bits and pieces.

I just finished cutting out the paper for the doggies (yes I wanted to do that yesterday) and thought I'd have a little break before i start transfering the images.

First, yesterday I was woken up by my friend Mary, what the hell, I'll call her Mary, knocking on my door at 1pm. Rise 'n Shine for Wenchie! yup! early as heck! well, it was amazing to see real sun, not sun at a 30� angle to the horizon... and nice to see her.

You see, I was in University with her in fine arts, and then later I was her roomate at Banff School of Fine Arts, and we have been friends and in contact over the years. It is her dear children whose eating so grossed out Lucille that she had to leave me since I wanted kids. hehe.

Well, I used to go visit there maybe twice a year. But haven't been for a full year, when we went snowshoeing and my doggies got caught in the snow. Why? Because the last time I was there she sat me down after the kids went to bed, and with tears in her eyes told me she hates when I come. Why? Because 1) she manages to get herself embroiled into difficult topics because of me. I don't do it, she does it herself, but hell, I let her cuz she's the mom. Example to follow. And 2) Cuz her two daughters (who are now 4 and 7 I believe) like me so much and see me so seldom that they get into fights over me. Which one gets my attention etc. Yup. That is the problem. I am too desirable. Fuck.

So I asked "so you are telling me not to come anymore?" and she said "yes, no, i don't know, I just hate it", though she always asks when I am going to visit, and thanks me for being one of the few friends who has kept contact with her now that she has two kids and is married and in the countryside. Well, what the hell. So, once again, a relationship fucks up because 1)I an out of the ordinary and 2) I am out of the ordinary in a desirable manner. Fuck anyhows.

[Here is the example of 1): Her daughter who was 6 said "you have to get married if you want to have kids", after I had said "thank god I dont have kids of my own or I'd be pudgeola", having finished off both kids' leftovers. Her mom stepped in to say "sweetie, you know that isnt true" and named all the kids they knew who had unmarried or single parents, as well as mentioning the reproductive habits of their rabbits. Well, kiddo then says "why do people get married then?" and mom launches into a thing about "choice of religion", which sets off "why do people have religion?"... well you can see how it is. I basically had said absolutely nothing but "thank god I dont have kids..."... but my simple presence, unmarried and having no kids, was the catalyst for the sudden plunge into the submarine depths of sexuality, reproduction and religion. Personally I couldve handled it without going there, and also didnt MIND going there, but mom was out of her league. Sigh. End of example.]

Anyways, this is just another example of how depressing I find it not to have kids of my own. I dont have nieces and nephews, I get shoved out of the lives of the kids/nieces and nephews of my paramours when I break up with them, and I provoke difficult discussion and fights over my desireability with my friends' kids. And we won't go into my attempts to volunteer for Big Sisters etc.

So, anyways, Mary was in town, sans offspring and hubby, and we went for lunch. It was really nice. And we had a brief discussion about the above incident. She says I have to visit not at all or more often. Sigh. Now if they would only move down the street, or even within 45 minutes of me!

_______

Next... I wrote a Christmas card to Kris, the first woman I fell for, and sent it. I had gotten her addy off a mutual friend when I was in my breakup with ob mode and thinking about what I had gotten out of previous exes. She doesnt really count as an ex, since we never went out, but I was gaga over her for like 6 years, as well as her being the first woman I kissed, or felt up, to go to a woman's bar with, or join a lesbian group with, took me to my first Take Back the Night march etc. One of my best friends now was her girlfriend at the time (1983, eh!)... anyways, I wrote something like I was thinkin on the past and wanted to say thanks for bringing me out into feminism and all that.

Incredibly (well, I had written her a postcard in 1994 and she wrote me back in England when I was there, so it is not THAT unbelievable, but still), incredibly, she sent me back a letter today. Funky hand-paint-besmudged paper, with tiny ciphered handwriting (that I actually recognized on the envelope)... she precised that she "brought me out into lesbianism, not into feminism"... although it was probably actually both. Said it was nice to hear from me, and will be coming into Montreal in March and do I want to get together for a coffee. I don't know why but this makes me as nervous as hell. I actually haven't seen her since 1989 I believe, or maybe 87, when she showed up suddenly at the shop I worked at, while I thought she was in New Mexico.

When ob acts like an idiot running around prostating herself in front of the woman who is her Mme now, while the Mme treats her like the office mailboy or worse, it reminds me of myself with this woman. The hours of shitwork I did to help her out, or prove myself, or get her attention. The times she stood me up when I was to meet her for lunch cuz she bumped into someone cute on the street. The time I ended up being the only one insulating the crawl space under her apartment with fiberglass insulation and dead cats, when she and all her friends had retired to have tea in the kitchen over my head.

And yet, I still would go to the bar every Sunday night when she dj'd, and dance, and offer to carry the boxes of records home (heavier than cds!). I went to Musicfest the first time all by myself hoping she would be there. (She wasnt, but I climbed a super tall tree at night to get a helium balloon to bring home for her). I went to every record store in Manhattan looking for the songs on the cassette she made me that i lost (but I had the songlist). Having a thing for her took me to places I would never have gone by myself, doing things I had never thought of doing before.

And she treated me, not exactly like shit. She admires my art. She flattered and cajoled me and batted her eyelashes. But she just as often disregarded me and blew me off, or thrived on my desire for her attention. Every interaction with her was loaded. When I danced and she djed, she would sometimes come onto the dancefloor so there was only us. But she would never talk to me, or interact. Only sometimes grin from the dj booth when I looked up when there was a quirky mix. As a result every word stuck in my throat and became a possibility for communion or rejection.

And when I see ob with these women, I cannot help but think of my incredibly unhealthy obsession with Kris, and how that fucked up some really good relation possibilities I had at the time. I would compare a normal human relationship with the butterflies and intense infatuation I had for her, normal human interactions with the weight of the few and far between brushes with her, and of course they were dull and limp in comparison. My heart didnt panic, my head didnt spin.

So now what. Do I go for coffee with this person from my past? I was so hung up on her cuz I thought I understood her (haha!) and that we had much in common (heeeheeeheeehee!). I wonder now if I would be normal with her. See her for the real person she is, and not some huge bigger than life icon. If I can act like a 40 yr old instead of the 20 yr old I was? My god, that is half my life away! Jeez! Well, maybe I dunno. I'll think on it. It might just be excellent to meet and renew with a ghost.

_______________

Finally, I am quite excited about going away on Saturday morning to Toronto to the Midori Predicament Bondage workshop. I will be dead tired, since I get on the train at 7am (and I am not usually even in bed by then), and arrive there at 11:17 am... ie not really 4 hours of sleep. Then meet a woman for lunch quickly, the bondage class, supper, then a playparty! zzzz! Then up and at another workshop with her on Sunday before 1pm! My god! Dinner with my hosts and then come home on Sunday night /Monday morning.

A whirlwind tour. And then three classes with her here in Montreal the following week... Tues, Wed and Friday. I might actually be a bondage demo girl for her on Thursday night at a bar! That might be fun. I was stressing a bit about my body, but seeing myself from afar next to all of my flamenco class tonight it doesnt look so dreadful and saggy from a distance! So maybe I'll go for it.

But the Midori list is what brings me to write now. Turns out another person on the list is going to be in SF the Feb 20-21 weekend I will be there for the comics convention (APE), and was putting out feelers if anyone else will be there. I said Me! Me! and another on the list who lives in SF chirps up "oh, you should go Friday night to the Exiles meeting, and maybe Mme will have her post-Exiles playparties started by then... It'd be a gas if you two show up!!"

Uerhuhm. Well if I am not mistaken, this Mme who would be having the post-Exiles playparties is ob's Mme. And it was for just such a fuckin Exiles meeting on a Friday in June that I was stood up for. I was told that ob was wanted to accompany her Mme to a meeting from 7pm for 2 hours... ie home at 9pm. So we planned dinner for 9pm, and planned to go out afterwards.

When the Mme arrived it turned out she was picking up ob at 7pm, but the meeting didnt start til 8pm, and wasnt some business type thing that I had imagined, but rather a meeting of the biggest women's bdsm group in SF. Yes, something I wouldve wanted to go to. But not only was I pointedly not invited, I was told by the Mme, when I asked "when do you think you'll have ob back by?" that "it ends at 10, so maybe 11pm if all goes well, but it is my prerogative to keep her as long as I like". My girlfriend said absolutely nothing. And I just stood there stunned with a huge lump in my throat. The Mme then invited the two roomies of ob to join them. (not me)

Now that is a good way to treat the girlfriend of your bottom, isnt it. Especially one who has travelled like 3000 miles to see them, and will be gone away in 4 days for another month. Stupid fuckin asses. They all went to the Exiles, and then apparently out for dinner, only one block from the apartment I waited alone in. Ob didnt get back til 12:30 in the morning. Surprisingly enough I was peeved. And now I have about as much respect for this fuckin Mme as I could be expected to have.

So, now we see what a fuckin mess this is. Nice people from around North America who I would love to hang with are going to be at a party given by this Mme. I dont think I shall be going. But my hurt and anger will keep me excluded once again. And if I force myself to go, I will just have a miserable time, sweat like a pig, fantasize about drenching the Mme and ob in draino, feel like puking and probably leave crying in sobs. What a great choice. Oh well. Hopefully the cartoonist people will do something Friday night, but I hate to say they will probably be in bed by 9pm chilling. And me, the latenight girl will wander the streets of SF. Maybe reading a book.

I went to SF in 1999. I read two books in ten days, just on public transportation and sitting at latenight cafes. Maybe I can go to Onewetleg's and write you alls an entry from SF! But still. What a drag. I HATE interpersonal messes. They always come to haunt your fun later on.

Well, three personal emotional topics for one entry is quite more than enough. Back to the doggy watercolorpaper. Hope y'all are well.

That ISN'T what I was updating to say... actually I just got confirmation that indeed the woman mentioned IS ob's Mme. So, I guess I will stay away from said party. The other tidbit that I got is that the woman I am corresponding with goes to ALL the meetings and said the Mme has only been at one. Wow. Now since it was so IMPERATIVE that she take ob to that meeting and introduce her as HERS to her peers, it is strange that it had to be the night I was there, and that she hasn't been back since with this very important group of peers. Sounds very much like it was designed specifically to fuck me around. I mean, really, if the group means SO very much to her that she has to ruin her bottom's relationship with her girlfriend, you would think she would be a devoted attendee. non? I like her less and less and less.

Just to show how incredibly shallow I am, I shall dilvulge that I googled the Mme's real name and got 39 hits. Then I googled mine and got 2000. I am so shallow that this actually made me feel better. I am a real ditzoid case! hehehe. I cannot be a fat activist cuz I refuse to let my bootie get that big despite it running in my family. But I have worked my butt off by illustrating books and writing comics for years now. yay for me.

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, January 8:

It really helps to be surrounded by friends. Leo flourishes in a climate of understanding. Once you regain your fortune or sense of direction, find elaborate methods to repay these generous favors.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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