music todaycool water offered to rivals in caring
more music todayacid dripped in the hearts of rivals while I spit in their faces
Quote"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Friday, Oct. 10, 2003 - 12:58 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
On my /less/ generous days
On my generous days, I think...
I think. Maybe she felt she was losing you. Maybe she felt that you had a connection before. The religious fetish. The training. Special times. Travelling. Mutual devotion. Singular devotion. Maybe she felt sad. Maybe she felt displaced when she saw the photos of others. Maybe she felt disrespected when she saw another collar. When she heard of dates to polish toenails. Maybe she felt jealous and diminished when she saw photo albums, and letters, when she called and you were busy, when you got visits and parcels, someone to hold you at night and someone to iron your clothes, someone to drive you across the country and escort you across town. Maybe she felt sad and displaced and left out. Maybe she thought you were slipping through her fingers.
I can imagine how i would feel. Sad and anxious. Worried. Desirous to reclaim you. To assert my ascendancy, to ascertain your devotion, your Singular Devotion. Fear of losing you to another, a usurper.
I can almost care for her, feel sorry. Imagine that i was that usurper, disrespecting her position, your relationship.
On my generous days.
On my generous days.
On my less generous days, I think...
I think. I think she lost the connection. I think she abandonned and neglected you. She had a lover, she had other boys, she had boytoys to pack boxes and drag her things around. She had someone to do her laundry. She had a busy life away from you. I think she didnt bother to give you assignments other than the obvious: she needs her boxes, her winter clothes (I have given similar requests to my mother... hardly a lover/boi/erotic/service relationship!). She didnt bother to train you. She didnt bother to get the regular journal you were supposed to keep. She didnt call at Christmas. Did she call on your birthday? She was happy I helped you move... after all she was too busy to deal with such things. She took other people to the playclub. She didnt advise you personally of her return to town... she didnt demand your services while she was there. When was the last time she played with you? She didnt take you to dinner, or fete you, or even tell you about the playclub when you'd been in town for 5 weeks. She used you twice in 5 weeks.
On my less generous days, I think...
She had a lover, she had other boys, she had boytoys to take to the playclub. If she gave you up, she would hardly be alone. But she couldnt let you have a lover of your own, or friends, or even a room with your own phone and bed.
On my less generous days, I think, she was a greedy manipulative pig. Selfish and spiteful and possessive in the manner of a child who has too many toys, and snatches them out of other children's hands, even if she hasnt played with them herself in ages. "MINE!!". Not possessive in the manner of a child who has a favorite toy, and cherishes and cares for it, who plays with it often, even if only to train it and admonish it for its lapses.
On my less generous days. I Know.
_______________
On my generous days, I think,
I think that she was a single woman, alone like me. Living in the woods. Working odd jobs to make ends meet. Far away from her beginnings... from home country and family and friends. I think she was lonely and sad, like me. Wanting to have someone on the end of the phone. Wanting to give her knowledge and training and expertise to someone she saw worthy. Wanting to have someone at her right hand, her beck and call. Wanting to have someone care for her, and adore her, like I want. Wanting to have someone to listen to her stories of her past, her childhood, her fears, her weaknesses. Wanting to have someone flirt with her, and dance with her, instead of being there alone. Wanting love and friendship and a fun friend like I want. On my generous days I think she is good for you.
On my less generous days I think...
I think that she is lonely and living in the woods. Working with straight men, and hungry for a desperately needly babyboidyke to play with. I think she sees devotion and slavish adoration in your eyes and wants the ego boost. I think she sees that you will betray friendships for her, and that you will dump a life-partner candidate for her, and that you will break promises and dates and plans for her. I think she sees that you will make someone else wait in order to have her time. That she sees that you will hunger after her approval and compliments and stomp on someone else's adoration of you, for her. That you will humiliate yourself, and accept hunger and fear, and lose self-esteem, all to elevate her esteem of you. That you will hang on every word, on every crumb, on every second of time thrown your way or offered to you on a platter. And that feeds the greedy ego inflating larger than life. Hah, the old soul MUST be a vampyre, what other old soul would be so needy of the lives of others????
On my less generous days, I think, she is willing to take away the esteem and trust and love placed in you by someone you care for deeply, in order to play games with you for a week. Selfish and greedy in the manner of a small child who has a toy for hours every day, but must possess it, even if it was promised to another. Who doesnt care if it tears apart the toy, or the other child. And who will flaunt it in front of the other child who had been waiting months and days and hours to play with the toy. See, how the toy is mine, not yours. Selfish, greedy pig. Not willing to share. Or stick to agreements. Or to ask for more LATER, but must have it NOW.
On my less generous days. I am not impressed at all.
On my less generous days.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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