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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2004 - 5:27 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Back on Mom's A-List and ByeBye Saints

Well, I am going to write a really short entry. I DID scan in photos and thought of interesting pithy things to write about but it is already 5:30 am and I am TRYING to get to bed early enough to not arise at 2:30 pm like today...

I have to meet a comics interviewer type person from the Utne Reader this afternoon at 3pm, so it is best I am up and at em early. AND gotta go get my watercolor paints.. hard to be wildly creative in watercolor with no paints.

I am a bad girl. I talked with my mom on the phone tonight about my father's exasperatingly crazy-making behaviour while here recently. Egads. (I didn't tell her he came here last year to do work for me, and hadn't told her about his visit this year either) Soooo, she seems quite happy that I have once again painted him as the villain, though I am not quite as sure as she that is he as completely screwed up as she says. I think he has about 40% nonpsychopathic fuckedupedness... whereas she might give him 2%. Dang. But she makes a lot of points... all the things he says "oh YOU'RE PERFECT, everyone else is WRONG" and "That's it YOU HAVE TO BE RIGHT, everyone else is wrong" and "Did it ever occur to you that you're the only one who thinks I"m frustrating ... youre the only one who is angry, you're the only one who finds that logical etc" are all exactly the same things he said in arguments when he was married to her 30 years ago. AND he used to walk away in the middle of walking down the street with her etc. AACK.

Anyhews. I still think he can be fun. But I suppose she thought that too, or she wouldn't have married him. Dang.

It WAS news to me that he was speaking of marriage with her less than 2 months after they met, and that he gave her a ring at 3 months and she felt rushed. (he maintains that SHE married him to show her mom she could get a man... weird since she was dating three guys when she met my dad.. .you know, back in the days where you dated ... ie held hands ... then went steady... then got married, THEN did it!) Ack.

He keeps saying he was "programmed by society" to get married... he ruined his youth cuz he was "programmed" to have a wife and kids... Funny but everything I have seen (photos that he wrote on the back of etc) and read points to him totally being in love with my mom, including the idea that she was pregnant.. that he WANTED to be a young dad since his father was old when he was born etc. Seems like a lot of choosing to me, rather than being pushed into it by family expectations etc. Hell he was only 21.20 when he proposed I think. ack.

Anyways, enough of my dad. But I am back in the good with mom, sigh. (she says "now that you've stopped defending him") and feeling vaguely like I "squealed" again. Dang. But he was a jerk, and he did turn me into a nonsmiling angry anxious shaking little girl in a measly 8 days. Dang.

I dunno. I do know I don't want him visiting here anymore. Maybe now that my parents aren't vying for me, it will be safe to go to visit my mom for Christmas this year. Actually I shouldn't say that. Dad still wants to "be a good dad".

One who shouts "GROW UP GROW UP GROW UP!!" at me with a look of utter disgust on his face just cuz I said I worried about him judging my life after he's written me "you are an irresponsible fuckup" letter more than once previously. Ack. No thanks.

Sigh. Still don't know if I should NOT reply at all to his fax. Reply briefly and politely. Or be friendly but distant. I don't know.

Which means I will reply nothing at this point.

This is why I stop seeing my father. Because it is such a waste of energy to be dealing with reacting to him all the time, and trying to oust his pronunciations from my headspace.

Well, off to bed.

In closing here is this really sad article about the St. Bernard Hospice in Switzerland... they're selling off their LAST St-Bernard dogs. Incredible. Ack. Booooohooooo!! Waaaaa!

Wish me a good day,
and thanks for all the nice comments yesterday.
hugs to me and y'all,

***Please also read the Bush Resume... quite exhaustive yet succinct, in my last entry. Thanks.
(But not Radiogurl eh!!)

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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