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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, May. 09, 2006 - 8:51 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Good Credit Risk

I think I love my bank lady as much as I love my vacuum cleaner.
They both make me feel like my life is under control. That it is tidy and looks great to all onlookers.

The nice bank lady of course gets to see me clean and tidy, having driven up (instead of sweatily cycling), wearing my garagesale Donna Karan skirt and Jones New York striped sweater, and yes, pantyhose and sensible nice girly shoes.

Carrying organised and tidy files and income tax reports which I can produce at her request in an orderly manner.

Dang, I love going to see bank lady. She has been my bank lady for like ten years now. She makes me feel sane and stable.

Fortunately I had paid off my credit margin and was out of the hole for a good three weeks, and the check for the provincial income taxes hasn't come in yet. So I look like an excellent credit risk. I borrow money. I pay it off. I borrow again. Yes, very tidy.

She did a complete look at my overall total bank picture, including my house and mortgage, retirement savings plans etc etc. I am still as goodlooking as I appeared in my Donna Karan skirt. yay!! Who knew!!

I am a good risk.

They are giving me another credit margin, yes they are. Isn't that sweet of them? And if I have quite a large debt, I can renegotiate it to a personal loan, yes I can. There ya go. So I left with many signed pieces of paper, yet another PIN number and bank card, and the ability to get myself into ever deeper debt. And the peace of mind that at least I will not bottom out on the credit quite yet, and the bank lady still loves me and doesn't cringe when she sees me coming (she likely rubs her hand with glee... how many bank "products" can she sign me up for this time? I wonder if she gets a cut of the interest I pay??)

Then I went to my therapist. Unfortunately her husband's mother had died this morning, and so she is cancelling the next two sessions... which were unfortunately the only two other sessions that we had left before she starts living almost fulltime in the States. And unfortunately she had not been available for the past three weeks (and before that only once in three weeks, but they locked me out by accident so I spent my whole time either banging on the door, or yelling about having banged on the door).

So, I had thought carefully what I wanted to work on for the next three sessions, and hopefully could have gotten to some sort of place where we could have worked via email while she is gone. But it was cut down to just today, and she was more interested in speaking about backup therapists she could refer me to than about the issues I wanted to address. So I sort of shut off. Why get all into one's shit if one isn't going to have any time to process it afterwards? What a mess.

So there ya go. Therapist is gone to the wind.

Does anyone see how this is not a good thing, when I am feeling like my personal relationships tend to do just this? I lose people as soon as I know them, and they know me? I have to start all over again revealing all my warts and hateful bits, my baby pictures and my hygiene habits. Well, sometimes one just feels "what is the point". Of course eventually you will feel up to sharing again with someone new... but in the meantime it is hard just to switch. Cuz of course it will takes weeks and months to be known before any real progress can be made. hah.

Things with artsyguy are still painful and sad, in that he is nice, he drops by, we went climbing with the kid last night. But he is nothing more than cordial. Not even passing friendly to loving as a friend. It hurts. But not as much as trying to not have anyone in my life to hang with, eat meals with etc. All my friends who live across town and across the country are great and all, but they don't hang with me in person. They can't hold the other end of the plant while I hang it, or help carry heavy objects when they mostly exist over the phone. A virtual hug is nice, but not a replacement for a human body hug from a person actually present.

But I feel sad. I feel sad that the first guy since I am 16 doesn't even care enough about me to even flirt or give me a complicit smile etc, or any spontaneous gestures of caring, other than being there. This, from a guy who used to reach for my hand, tell me without prompting that I am cute as a button, that I inspire him, that he has a crush on me.. ie this is not someone who hides his emotions that I can see. I think it is just gone. The feelings are gone. He cares about me, but I feel like "the neighbor" again.

It hurts.

How can it be possible that no one even wants to date me? I have no idea how people get beyond "dating" to "engaged" or "married" as levels of commitment. Getting someone to use the word "girlfriend" seems up there with setting a human foot on Pluto or something. How do others manage to have girlfriends and boyfriends? I just don't know. But it sends people around me running away. Sure they want to go to a movie. Or coffee. Or maybe a beer and or sex. But um, gee, we aren't DATING.

And this was the first guy in like 27 years to say I was his girlfriend, really. To family and all. hah.

And now I once again am gazing at couples that snuggle, and cuddle and give little neck nudges, kisses and smiles. Why do I end up here?

hmmm. Well, I could ask my therapist if I still had one. (oh, she thinks I am just "intense". Quite frankly, lots of intense people date, and even have committed relationships, really they do).

Well, I am off to watch a couple movies I rented. And maybe do the dishes.

I am procrastinating on finishing the drawings for the poster to advertise my children's readaloud service.. It scares me... the people calling and having to read to children with their parents there judging. It will probably go ok. But I am procrastinating. I wish I didn't feel pudgy and overweight or I'd eat something really fattening. A whole pot of hagen daas or somesuch. Comfort food. yah

the good credit risk

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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