Monday, Aug. 23, 2004 - 10:42 p.m.
Cost of the War in Iraq
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Mom-on-Roof's entry Makes Wenchie Cry
Just when I think I am doing great, I am not obsessing, or walking around crying, or hating myself, indeed I am walking around smiling at strangers, being fun and interesting and almost relaxed (more bills today eek), all it takes is one little entry by another diarist to do me in...
Yup, there we go, mom-on-roof's good weekend. Yup. She has a fun dad who doesn't have to be flown in on her credit margin. She has a whole slew of people to laugh with and go shopping at yard sales. She has a hubby and adorable children. And a cottage to go to to play in water and be fun.
This summer has just zoomed by. It was the summer that never was. It has never been warm enough to sleep without covers, or hot enough to want to go to the swimming pool. I haven't been outside *city** a single time, not to go hiking or picnicing or camping. Not one iota of camping this summer, not at musicfest or elsewhere. Other than a bbq or two that I could take a subway to, there were no trysts with friends, such as going to see the fireworks, or going to la Ronde to ride the crazy old rollercoaster.
Thankgod (there ya go Cailliath!) I got to go to my family reunion.. for once I saw some kids, some older people, ie not just people my own age in social settings... it was actually... familial. One didn't have to be invited or have bright conversation to belong... I belonged just cuz I was family. And that happens almost never now. It is so weird since when I was a kid, there was family everywhere. Christmas, weekends, holidays, summer vacation, birthdays etc... not to mention the slew of family both at home and at my Dad's.
And yeah, it is reading entries like mom-on-roof's that make me feel so like a failure in that. I not only haven't a lover or a partner, I haven't built a family. It's like the parts keep slipping through my fingers. When I find a lover, I can't get pregnant, when I find a sperm donor I can't find a lover, when i find a lover, they don't want kids or it is impossible. When I have money, I don't have time, when I have time and energy I don't have money. And despite what everyone says, adopting is hard. It is hard enough to be a single parent of your own kid, but to adopt costs money. You have to prove to someone that you have the time, the ressources etc. And other than adopting with the foster program (and those are kids who still have families but cannot live with them, so I still wouldn't be "mom"), it costs adoption agencies and lawyers, health tests and permits. $20,000 to adopt from China for instance.
And when I think of the number of times I have gotten close to someone else's family... hanging with their parents and their siblings, their siblings partners and kids, going to the cottage in the summer, having Christmas dinners. And now they are exes and the kids and siblings are no longer potential nieces and nephews and sister in laws and brother in laws, but just people I used to know for two years, ten years ago. Someone to say "hi how ya been" "good how bout you" when you bump into them on the street by chance.
And the number of times i was included with someone as a unit... and we could go camping, or had access to a canoe, a kayak, a cottage, a lake... summers taking the dog to the countryside, making salads to bring to family meals, early morning swims with the kids who have woken us all up with their laughter, ... no this seems like the summer that wasn't.
Well, now I have stopped snivelling after reading that and looking at those adorable kids, back to regular programming, wherein I work on websites, stress over bookshelves and gardens, paint in pictures about the number 67 and walk my dog.
who sometimes just wants to splash in a lake and laugh with a family.
Not someone else's family. My family. Will it ever happen.
**Ok I lied.. I was at a cottage near ottawa for 2 hours... But that is like city city city city, ok, drive drive drive, put bathing suits on, take bathing suits off, drive drive, city city. I mean like a DAY or a week... not 2 hours. snivel snivel.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
*inspired by Chaosdaily