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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2006 - 12:01 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.


Sometimes a little something, like a word or a phrase on someone's blog...

like "cute as a button"

will bring it all back.

Having a guy burst into funny little songs to reassure me, cuz he liked me lots and said he was falling in love with me:

"Don't stop picking to try and please me...
you've always picked your nose before"

(to the tune of "don't go changing...")

Yes, a guy who held my hands, both my hands, at the breakfast table, and in bed while sleeping at night all cuddled up.

A guy who told me I was cute as a button.

Being so happy I couldn't stop smiling, and would grin while kissing, and he would say "kiss the smile".

Having kids to play with the dog... sitting after supper at the table, with the smell of homecooked food in the air, with my guy, while the girl played with my childhood dolls on the floor of my wouldbe baby room, and the boy sat at my desk drawing with my pens. An instant family.

Planning meals for three or four instead of eating the same thing for four days in a row, cuz recipes are for four, not one.

Carrying my doggy up the two flights of stairs to his place, and his kids and their friends laying on the floor with her. How happy she was even though she couldn't climb the stairs herself.

Planning on taking climbing lessons together (I just need a belaying renewal). Planning on dinners with my friends in couples, and me in a couple. Instead of being the odd man out.

Making an appointment to get checked for stds to have unprotected sex, to be fluid bonded.

Getting introduced to family, staying over at Christmas, answering his mom's questions and discussing him with his sister. Looking at his dad's paintings. They all liked me.

It is so weird now. Like some dream I had a few months ago. It seems so surreal. Now I just think of backs turned, faces closed, whining defensive voice accusing me, keys given back. Lives back in their separate boxes of individual households. Doors closed.

I have sort of settled back into my day to day life.

But every once in awhile a phrase in a blog, like

"cute as a button"

will bring it all back, and I will cry with tears and snot running down my face.

The instafamily. Here today and gone tomorrow.
And I want to try again with someone new?

... like touching icy heat once ...
your fingers stay away.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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