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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Dec. 26, 2003 - 3:44 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Long Evenings Make for New Years Reflections

Wow the day is long when I'm not procrastinating on work!! hehe! And when I have no flamenco (doesn't start again til the 9th of January I think) or weights (also closed til Jan5 I think..)... I can't even guilt myself for not doing all these things today... work, pages of comics, physical fitness... gee I love Christmas day!

I used to go to my Mom's in Saskatchewan for Christmas from about the 19th (or some years the 24th itself) until the 10th of January when the airfares went down. Blissful time, away from the gym, my home, all my responsibilities. Even later when I brought work home, I still wasn't responsible for the upkeep of the place. Why is it less stressful to help someone else by doing their dishes, cooking, washing the walls? I don't know. A release of responsibility perhaps?? I would lie around and eat and do small errands and watch tv on cable. mmm. lovely.

Now I give myself one day! :)

I am having such a nice time. Watching the room fill with hookah smoke. Reading my novel. How I love to read. To partake in someone else's words and experiences, nodding inwardly and savouring the flow of words and the rightness of expressions capturing experiences I know intimately, or experiences I have never before imagined. Mmmm.

Eating leftovers of favorite food. My mom was surprised when I told her I cooked the curried chicken rice casserole for myself. I am not sure why, since I have cooked it every year, either for the whole family when I was younger, or for myself with or without visitors, in the past few years. It is a favorite meal... one that I begged my mom to make for our Mom and Daughter dinner at Christmastime when I was in grade 4, at the Church girl's group "Explorers"...

That group was so funny. My best friend and next door neighbor was a member, and I was dying to belong to something with a uniform (dark blue skirt, white blouse, red ribbon around the neck with a pin). I joined despite it being a church group, and frustrated the leader (my piano teacher who ordinarily looked lovingly upon me as a diligent piano student), since at 8-9 years old it took me weeks and weeks to learn to recite the Lord's Prayer solo. I had of course been saying it every morning at school (it has since been removed), along with Oh Canada, in class in school for three or four years, but it was like mumbling along with the words of a familiar song... which escapes you when you have to recall them without the music. I remember very little of that group, but to this day have the red ribbon and the pin. Fond memories of the curried chicken rice casserole, and how proud I was that all the other Mothers and Daughters finished off every last crumb.

Besides the food and the hookah and book... I am thinking of things I want to do this year.

And would like to get started over the holidays.

One, I think I will stop being stupid about the Pirates of the Carribean re the "ob problem"... and just watch it and have good fun. Enough of this "hurt" constraining my life. geez.

Two, I think I will call the phone # a friend gave me for the School for the Blind, and see if I can volunteer to do some reading to kids and art projects in the coming year.

Three, I will try to get my studio straightened out.. ie buy and install new bookshelves for the overflowing volumes and illustrations, and rearrange everything so that one side of the studio is for my work, and the other half is bookshelves and space that I could use to teach in. So that I can start offering at least very small art classes to kids here. With the idea that if it goes well and I build up a small clientelle, I could eventually open a space like I wanted to do before I got involved with ob last fall.

And maybe just maybe I will start trying to put money aside for adoption. That would mean taking more contracts the terms of which I am not completely agreeable to, in order to have more not so great, but paying, work come in. I have to stop being fearful of having my lifestyle judged by adoption agencies, and just get on it. I really would love to have a family and make a good home for some kid. yup.

And finally I will start again looking for people to play with. The upcoming workshops with Midori in Toronto and here in Montreal will be a good start, in mid-January.

I am also excited that my good excellent friend Seite is coming here in February for three days for a conference. I haven't seen her for a couple of years in person. And the last time she had her abusive girlfriend in tow. Thankfully she is out of that relationship now. (unable to put "no contact" ultimatums down, since they raised a family of two girls together for years, who are now basically for all purposes sisters)

Yay! And then SF!! Now if I had a sugar mommy/daddy I would be all set for the new year! :)

Back to the novel! byebye!

(other xmas entries: Christmas Day and Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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