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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
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Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
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Tuesday, Sept. 19, 2006 - 11:53 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Such a Day it Is

I'm just not feeling today.

I was supposed to get a car to go to ToyrsRus but at 8am when I was supposed to get up I felt like shit, and so I called and cancelled it. I slept til 10:30 am, catching up on sleep.

Now it is already nearly noon.

I feel all discombobulated, half feels like I want to do something lots of things anything. The other half wants to go sleep in bed, have life pass me over like a river and I am the riverbed.

Go to the gym for my out of shape curved-back stiff needstostretch body? Or back to bed.

Draw? Walk the dog? Try to get the furniture for the bathroom made or practice guitar?

Study for my class tonight? Sketches for the new book I am supposed to be working on but that the contract STILL isn't signed though I called several times during a week, and they said "could you email her the changes please?" and I emailed her the changes on Thurs 7th, and again on the 12th, and again lastnight. Not even a "I got your comments and will get back to you".

This on a contract that they asked me in May if I wanted to draw it, sent me finally a contract signed Aug 21, that said I had to have the sketches done for Aug 31 (for a 32 page color book) or forfeit payment... haha, I got it on Aug 31 and read it Sept 1. So much for a reasonable deadline. Yesterday, anyone? I suggested I do the drawings for Oct 31 in the email I sent.

And now it is September 19 and not one word back from them. No changes to the contract, no signed contract. So I haven't started the work really. Actually I started photos, researching, character sketches in MAY, but heard nothing back from them all summer. I thought when I got the contract end of Aug we were back on track. But who knows.

Why don't I just draw it? Has happened to me more than three times, that I started a contract, and they cancelled it. If you have something signed, you can get paid for the work you have done. If you have nothing signed, it is like you just decided to diddle around yourself on a piece of paper, nothing to do with them. Once I was paid $6000 US when a contract fell through once I had finished the sketches, and I had a signed contract. Another time a contract fell through when I had finished the sketches, and I had no signed contract. They did end up giving me a small fee, but pointed out they were under no obligation to pay me anything. yay.

I bought the wood yesterday to make the built-in shelves in my bathroom... lugged home a whole sheet of 3/4 inch plywood on my doggie's trailer. It went well. Bought new blade for artsyguy's circular saw which I borrowed (the blade looks like a dinosaur mistook it for a tasty cookie), and an aluminum roofing square. All sorts of expensive as shit stuff. yikes.

But by the time I got that done, it was suppertime, and too late to build the thing, and risk chopping myself to bits using a circular saw for the first time. And now it is pouring rain. Today and tomorrow.

So no go with that either.

I should be looking for work. Or working on the building.

I dunno. I am sure there are a million things I should be doing.
But today I just feel pointless and a wee bit hopeless and like everything is going downhill instead of up.

I really could use a hug.
And to go to the gym.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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