Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Feb. 25, 2005 - 12:29 a.m.

OK, I am officially fed up with myself. I take time off of things so I don't feel guilty avoiding work, you know, not having enough time to do it and then having to tell my clients "oh I don't have it done" and it was because I was poofin around in watercolor class and the gym and whatnot.

So now I have all this time to work on my stuff. I work on the drawings. I am fed up with working on the drawings. It is all I do. I procrastinate and obstinate and percolate and presignate (who the hell even knows if that is a word)... whatever.

My whole body and mind feel both tired and fed up, and jittery and twitchy.

I am like that kid sitting on his chair two hours after the school bell has wrung. twirling his pencil and staring at it, while the teacher waits rather gloweringly, for him to finish his classwork so they can both go home.

I fucked up a drawing yesterday cuz i wasn't "in the present" enough and I have to do it again. I should have just put down the effin Leo's Dog book and done some South Korea for the change of pace. But I didn't. I thought, oh you'll get LOTS done. hah! Redo redo redo.

And now that I have to redo I feel like I have even LESS time to give over to the South Korea work, or watercolor class or working out.

I want to leave town for a week. Whitewater rafting. Or rock climbing. Spelunking. Ice climbing, horsebackriding, I dunno. Anywhere FAR FAR AWAY from a drawing table. No paintbrushes or paints or computer. No dog to walk. No gym to taunt me. But lots of physical exercise and outdoorsiness..

Laughing and giggling and rolling down a hill would be good.

How can I continue to go on like this til April.
I will have to break down and start going to the gym and things so I feel good about myself instead of feeling like a potato blob twitching on a chair, even if it takes time away.

I don't even enjoy chocolate or coffee anymore.

I didn't get my comics page done.

I am sliding sliding sliding into a smusharama hole. aaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhh her e iiiiiiii gggggg o oooo oooooooooo oooooooooooo.

I'd say it is like pulling teeth, but it's not. At least that is painful vs tedious. Could use some painful right now.

One of the reasons I didn't get my comic done is because as I was starting I saw an ex (from 1996-97) walk in front of the cafe so I knocked on the window and we chatted for a good twenty minutes. And that was sort of good. I gave her some comic books.

And then while I ate supper I phoned up Disappearing Boy, since it's been 8 days since I last saw or spoke to him. He's happy, he just sold a painting. Very coool. But made no suggestion we see eachother, and neither did I. Anything taking time out of my work stresses me, but only working stresses me. What a case. But we did have an interesting chat. Does anyone have any music by Louise Attack?? I want to know what it sounds like and can't find any samples on the web.

On other news, at another blog, someone told me I continually manbash, and that I sound like a disillusioned old dyke except I'm a bi-dyke. Too funny. What had I said? Well, someone had complained that on the L-Word, that there was no SEX... that means stop the handstuff and show real lesbian sex.. ie them going down on eachother, that she knows no lesbians who would take a handjob over oral sex, and in her household oral sex it is. Hmmm.

So I wrote, "the best oral sex I have had was from a man, and I have gone out with at least two certified never been with a man lesbians who were penetrative fanatics, and size queens to boot, loving fisting and I had to buy bigger dildos for them".

So the next person to write says "who the hell asked you to tell us what you do" (strange since I was replying to someone else who told us she does oral sex) and then went on to say "either the oral sex wasn't the best you had cuz you malebash all the time, or if it was so great you better stop malebashing" and then on to say I sound like a disfunctional old dyke. hehe.

Hmmm. malebashing. Me. So, have you noticed how i go ON and ON about how HORRID men are? un hello?? And um hello? Let's see about the logic even if it were true: If you complain about someone it means they were never any good in bed? And if you say they are good in bed, you can`t complain about the whole gender.

Weirdly enough I was defending men if anything, by saying that the best oral sex I've received was from a man. How is that "bitching"??

Brilliant logic. That's like saying that I am lying if I say that I got the best handjob from a republican because I wouldn't bitch about republicans if it were so good.

So... I now have an official wench-bashing regular commenter at a blog I frequent. Fun. so fun.

Well, I really gotta be back at work. How I procrastinate. I can do seven things at once, or do nothing at all while pretending to do one thing. Sigh.

I need a back massage.
Or whitewater rafting, ice climbing, horseback riding or rolling down a hill and giggling.

hugs y'all

cheers,
wenchola

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009