Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Oct. 31, 2003 - 12:39 a.m.

Cars are better than people. If you are driving your car and step on the brake and the brake pedal goes through the floor and have an accident, you can just take it in to get it fixed. You don't have to stop at telling the car how it fucked up, and hope it will understand how severe the problem is and will go get help. And it doesnt sit in the garage beating itself up about how it was such a fuckup. And it doesnt promise it learned something and you can trust it... you get the fuckin thing fixed. Yes. And it doesnt tell you that you deserve better than it's stupid bad-brake ass, and leave you stranded walking alone to the grocery store while it drives some other skanky bitch. No, you have the accident. If you get out alive and the car too, you get it fixed, no if buts or maybes. And then you go out driving and having a good time like you did before the accident.

Yup cars are better than people. Too bad I dont have cars and I dont particularly like em: I think they fuck up the world. But I like driving them. Which come to think of it, is like people. I don't have one, I dont particularly like em cuz I think they fuck up the world. But I like being with one. fuckin people. fuckin cars.

2:34 am

If you cry while you draw, snot and tears will fall on your paper. This is not helpful. It is not effective and efficient to cry while you draw.

Why has she never called or contacted me in nearly three months. I am so sad. Can't people even apologize. I want to hear "i'm sorry".

No, snot running down your face is not condusive to working.

3:24 am

I shouldnt be listening to the Eagles: "you didnt think you'd be alone this far down the line".. "you're afraid it's all been wasted time"... "you didnt love the boy too much, you loved the boy too well"...

It's true. If you had ever asked where I'd be at 40, I would have imagined a kid sleeping in bed right now. A bunch of toys lying around, sticky fingerprints in the kitchen, a bike in the backyard. Lunches to make, schoolwork to help with. Excitement about Halloween tonight... making up the face of a little someone who was all wiggly. Running from door to door getting goodies. Bedtime stories and arguments about bedtime. I would have imagined discussing finances with a loved one, saying I'll be in to bed as soon as I get a couple more hours done on these drawings. Friends of the family. Hah. I have no family. And i have people I bump into once every month or so. Or call on the phone in another city.

Today I was having such a good day. I couldn't even imagine feeling sad this afternoon. It was a beautiful fall day. I was thinking, why am i paying for a therapist today when I have no cash flow and I don't see the need for therapy.

Hah. I got an email from my ex from 1986-88. The first turn-around girl. Yes, the one I turned around and saw wanting me, after I had spent three years gaga over a woman I looked up to and who would flirt but just kept me running around like a fish on a fishhook. Unattainable and pointless. So I thought, instead of being gaga for someone I cannot have, I will look at this nice girl who likes me.

And so I went for coffee with her, after asking a few of my friends...she seemed together, and we had some things in common. And we ended up being lovers and best friends... I remember being so happy walking barefoot in the mud with her, laughing over washing the car, sudsing each other. Going camping in an old barn, her playing songs to me on her guitar around the campfire. I wanted to have kids with her, grow old with her. But I was never gaga like about the unattainable woman. And I felt guilty about that. I loved her but not "in love" I said. I had to keep saying that to alleviate my guilt. And she pulled away. Big surprise. I always felt I did that. Also I was too hardworking A-type personality for her. her way of dealing with stress was to isolate and go to the countryside. Our sexlife lasted maybe 6 months. Our relationship, maybe a year. We stayed living together for another year after we broke up, cuz the lease was signed, and I loved her though we werent together. It was my first real "lost the one I thought I'd grow old with" breakup. It was very hard. Very sad.

We have remained friends, after a brief angry nasty period. Though over the years we've gotten more and more distant.

She's the one I tried to call a couple months ago, when I found the Griffintown book, cuz that's where we used to live. And the phone number from a year or two back wasn't good anymore, so I didnt know where she was (I COULD look up her mom)... and then it turns out her email was good. I had sort of assumed she had moved because she and the girl she was seeing broke up. No, it turns out that they have bought a house together, and have a new number. So, I got a short email with short news. Sort of friendly but very distant. And it is silly but it made me so so sad. And I imagined being on terms like this with ob in the future. "We bought a house in the suburbs. Work is good. I'm glad to see you are using your talents. Congratulations on the new book out. Take care."

The loss of any intimacy is just stunning. It is hard to reconcile the distant acquaintance with the intimate memories and knowlege of a younger lover. All that is in the past and supposed to somehow be water under the bridge.

When you break up with someone and start anew, somehow all those memories of love and making love, sharing dreams and laughter, are supposed to disappear like a rock in a well. It is not fair. If you are in a couple for 50 years, you can cherish those memories, and hold each other one night looking at the moon and say "remember how I used to draw you naked in the sun after we made love on a Sunday afternoon. Remember how we used to have sex in the car because there was no privacy at home. Remember the time..." and it is a wonderful lovely thing to share and cherish.

But when you breakup and go on to the next person, you are not supposed to cherish the past. You are not supposed to bring up the exes, or think of the old days or younger fun. Those photo albums are hidden in the boxes in the closet, instead of displayed with pride for the grandchildren. It is not fair to have your whole youth, all the love and the caring and sharing turned into secrets or forgotten. It is not fair. But it only causes pain or it is seen as unhealthy.

And when you are alone, you are alone in your memories. Even if you are a widow or widower, or even divorced with children, you can keep your memories. And value those people. "This is who I loved. This is who loved me" "this is what we did together". But with no children. And friends who are tired of changes of cast in the play of my life, and with new lovers on the horizon if I don't want to be alone for the next 40 years, I have no one to value these things of the past. And I should even lose them to myself if I want to be "healed" and "fresh" for a new person.

It is a sort of crime against humanity. All that secret hidden beautiful love lost. It is ok, when we are all gone. But it is not ok when we are here.In my lifetime. It is sad.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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