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music todayjoey (I'm not angry anymore)Concrete Blonde

bookAnyway: The paradoxical commandments Kent Keith

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Sept. 26, 2003 - 4:26 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Joey... Concrete Blonde/ sister my sister

hah. yesterday, or rather about 12 hours ago, i wrote: what if there was a telephone to heaven and you broke down and phoned your dearly departed, and they said "hey, leave me alone"... and what would you feel then?

Well, i should listen to myself sometimes. I called ob at work. i thought i would say something nice before the weekend. i had this "brilliant" idea last night before i went to bed... that she will always be in my heart and soul, like my brother. And i thought yes, my sister. I always wanted a sister. And that is a relationship that doesnt need to be a blood one... my brother is adopted. It is a relationship of peers, the same generation though usually not the same age. It is a relationship that is familial, that stays even if you dont talk, if you are nasty to each other, if you are in different countries. You can share things with your sister, or not... unlike a best friend, sisters dont have to share their sexual conquests, their loves etc... cuz right now i cannot hear about ob's loves... i just want to know that she's ok. or not ok as the case may be.

My brothers have betrayed me... Shawn left the world forever without even saying goodbye... that was a real betrayal. My adopted brother was selfish and used to steal from us, commit fraud, ended up spending time in jail, and i think often he is an immature idiot. But he is still my brother, and he has so impressed me with the growth he has accomplished in his life since he was a little criminal. Even my father i stopped speaking to two or three times and didnt see for years, and now we are friends again.

So i thought, she can be my sister. That means in the end, i am not responsible for her, nor she for me. But that the love and relationship will always be there, even if we dont talk, even if we fight, or stand each other up, or go out with someone else. She is in my heart and has affected me so much.

I went to sleep peacefully and happy thinking of her being my sister. Today i called. I said that it would be a weird phone call... but that even though i was still hurt and angry that i love her and she has enriched my life more than just about anyone, and been closer than the best friends i had, and that i wanted her to be my sister.

and she replied that she couldnt do that. it is too painful.

You call heaven to say that you still love them. And they say "leave me alone".

I didnt think i could be any sadder. I was wrong.

I feel so pointless. I guess i can give a lot to the world, just not to the people i want to. All the people i have the most in common with, that love me, that touch me, i just cause them pain. Either by being myself. Or by them being themselves. If someone feels shame and pain thinking of you because they treated you badly, what can you do? Just your existence makes them hurt. How can you forgive if the person wont ask for forgiveness.

If you give it anyways it just gets thrown back in your face, a gift they wont accept and dont feel worthy of.

Does one need to be worthy of forgiveness?? I guess this is why Christianity makes so much sense. it deals with people's self-shame. The sin they feel inside themselves. And it is open to anyone who ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS... i guess that is the key. Someone is not ready for forgiveness or unconditional love if they cannot ask for it. If you give it before they are ready they will just use it against you...

either you are seen as pitiful and needy for loving someone obviously as unworthy as they judge themselves to be.

or you are seen as wonderful and caring, which they are obviously unworthy of, and even more so in contrast to what they see you to be. (she's so nice, i am so horrid...)

I can understand that. When i hate myself i dont go to the people whom i think are nice, but those i feel are as imperfect as i am. And i dont know that i myself am that open to hearing i'm a good person when i disbelieve it myself

Once i was in a group therapy. At the end we had to sit in a chair and each person came up to us and said something nice in our ears that they noticed during the week. That was the hardest, most painful part of the whole therapy. Nice things said to you are like arrows stabbing you with pain. Why.

Why are we all so bent on proving we are unworthy, that we are horrid and contemptible and full of sin??

We are just people. Everyone deserves to be loved just cuz they are. Some people are murderers. We give them a sentence of so many years. But they still have a right to get out after they serve their time. They have the right to a life, and a lover and children. And so the rest of us who just hurt someone's feelings, or what we want when we live our lives, gives them pain, why are we not deserving of the right to life, a lover and children...

it is almost like we are more judges than our friends, our parents and family, more judges than the law itself, and more judgemental than the judges. We judge ourselves more harshly than any gods do. And find ourselves lacking. And hate ourselves, beat ourselves up, withdraw from those who love us, and many of us kill ourselves. I read last night that every 18 minutes someone in the US kills themselves. That is boggling.

I dont know about the seven deadly sins, but hating yourself should be number one, and withdrawing from those who love you should be number two. And the penalty for those two sins should be involuntarily being immersed in all-forgiving love and happiness, so that we stop doing it and go on and forward with being happy and productive in our lives.

So that's that.

I still love ob. She is in my heart and my soul. She is not alone there. I just wish she would let me into hers. My sister who hates herself.

either i am an exceptionally caring and wonderful person or i am pitifully pitiful and maybe a stalker personality. I prefer to believe the former. or rather, both are probably true at one and the same time.

love, me.


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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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