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Listening to: Fatherfucker by Peaches

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Jan. 10, 2005 - 2:53 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Better or Worse

Feeling I dunno. I just finished coloring in the dog gang drawings.

Thinking of the questions in yesterday's quiz... the "three new things you will try in the next 12 months". I feel in some ways like my life walls are hedging in and settling and I dont even mind nor care. Like I have less ambition. or less imagination, less drive to be wild and crazy, less ambition to do things that are different.

And at the same time that is not true. Gosh I feel so um, difficult to define. I guess I just look at two or three years ago and think how much more engaged I felt. More inspired. Like my world was more open. Going to the fetish club, dressing up in wild and imaginative outfits. Travelling. Performing. Going climbing, camping, flamenco dancing, choir.

At the same time I was also feeling unhappy and unsettled, searching for a new life direction because of not getting pregnant. Feeling like i had failed at what I wanted to do, which was to have a family here in this apartment. To be an illustrator so I could be a stay at home mom. And that didn't happen so the apartment felt pointless. The illustration career felt pointless. And I was ready to jump off of my life into any interesting direction. Very unstable feeling.

Now I feel more settled into my apartment. The "baby" room is painted into my Moroccan living room. The front room is a plant room. I feel less open to repainting these rooms, to changing them. I feel more settled into my illustration career, and doing the comics has sort of cemented that. I am not so much looking for a different career, going back to school, exploring a totally different life direction. I dunno.

Is it better or worse? Is it settling. Or is it contentment.

Same as the relationship thing. I was willing to change my life, and thus I was open to making changes to have a relationship. This left lots of possiblities. And being involved with different people brought out different parts of me I don't usually cultivate... the holly hobby side, the girly femmey dress up side, the smartass dominant bitch side, the creative loving giftmaking caring side. And what with the whole ob thing falling apart, I've sort of just let it all go. I am less open to people, less willing or interested in dressing well, or displaying who I am to other people. It just seemed too dangerous or risky, hurtful. And now it just seems like a huge expenditure of energy.

Is it better or worse? Is it settling or is it contentment.

Poor Disappearing Boy gets to see me in henley's and oversized 501's, birkenstocks and Sorel winter boots, sweaters and jogbras, and those lovely khaki green cotton longjohns. So hot. So sexy. So alluring. And only a small part of me cares. It is too cold to bother.

Funny, since when I was seeing ob it was winter too and I bothered. When I was seeing the Little Criminal it was exactly this time of year and I bothered.

I have a lot of sexy underwear. I used to go to the gym and workout. I have a lot of cute dresses. And fun and slinky clothes. Hah.

So. Who is this content to work. content to wear the same clothes. content to have a lukewarm friendship fooling around thing with a boy who defines his sexuality as "normal" (frightening eh). Who really doesn't think she can be bothered to get up earlier than 2pm to do something like teach kids, who doesn't feel like dealing with being tired or bothered in order to adopt a kid.

I dunno. Is it better or worse. Have I become a cog. I dunno.

Maybe one day. Or in the spring. I will feel like finding someone multifaceted and kinky. I will feel like doing offbeat weird eccentric things. Or even just silly goofy things.

I will maybe one day be propulsed by desire for something enough to rouse me. I rather hope so. I hate to think the high point of my life was at 39. Dang.

Well, gotta go erase some pencil lines. Don't worry, I'll scan in some pics before I go to bed. Still haven't done my comics page. Where is the inspiration. I don't know.

It's my father's birthday. I wonder if he got the marmot stuff. Sigh.
in a funk
that is not a funk

i guess i am mediocre.
oh well

Here is my horoscope for Sunday, January 9:

You're too nice to someone who doesn't deserve it. Remember the sense of accomplishment you felt the first time you stood on your own feet? Recapture that moment while others figure it out for the first time.

Dang. Let that be a lesson to me! Dang. They're probably right. Now who would that be NOW?

Dang. This Feminist of the Day quote is so good I'm gonna put it in the entry:

"This world taught woman nothing skillful and then said her work was valueless. It permitted her no opinions and said she did not know how to think. It forbade her to speak in public, and said the sex had no orators."
--Carrie Chapman Catt

5:52 am Well it is yes, 5:52 am, and I just finished wrapping up my dog gang book pics to deliver to my client. Now i'm going to sleep for four hours, deliver them, and come back to finish sleeping. THEN do the sketch and comic pages I was supposed to get done. I guess I underestimated how long it would take to finish these drawings. I could've not watched "The Panic Room" (with Jodi Foster) which I decided today I had ample time to watch. haha. And spent less time online. OH well. Time to sleep. I'll post the drawings tomorrow that I scanned. Or for those of you for whom 5:52 am Monday morning is monday, and not sunday night, I'll post them today. ok? tah. zzz.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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