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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Nov. 19, 2005 - 12:14 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.



Ok, ok ok folks.

Re the previous entry.

The guy has no idea I am 'waiting around for him'.

I saw him for two secs on Thursday night when I dropped off some paper for his son.
He asked what I was doing.
I said I was working that night.
He said 'oh, tonight you're working?' as I said goodbye to him in front of his place and he went up alone. So, no I wasn't available.

I HAD asked him to tell me which day of the weekend was good for him and I would make the borscht that day, and when he said he didn't know how his weekend would go yet, I INFORMED HIM that I was NOT waiting around cuz I wanted to get it done and figured I would invite him and his kid over to partake of it WHILE I HAPPENED TO HAVE IT FRESH BEFORE IT ALL WENT IN THE FREEZER.

I said, I will make it on Friday, because I want to get it done, and put up jars of borsht to put in the freezer for all winter, and if he wants to drop by and eat some, there will still be some left to rewarm in the fridge til Sunday.

I made it sound like I really am going ahead without waiting on him, and he is welcome to drop by, but ok, I will not make a dinner specially for him. (he doesn't know I bought cheese etc but that's just me, if I feed people I like to do it nicely, even if I give them soup that has been in the fridge for three days).

Tonight I am going out to a girls night out, so even if he shows up I will have to cut it short since I have previous plans to go out with friends.

Sunday night I will have to cut it short since I will have work to do, cuz I gotta get to bed early cuz I have to be up and signing books at a book fair on Monday morning.

So, theoretically, from artsyguy's point of view, I was NOT available on Thursday night when he was alone and inquired. I DIDN'T put off my cooking night to serve his schedule. I am NOT making a dinner specially for him, he can drop by for leftovers if he feels like it. Isaid 'tonight I am working, and tomorrow night je popotte" (I'm cooking).

The idea was I go ahead with my life (making the borscht) without making my schedule around him. But he is welcome to drop by. Which is how he sort of treats me. The first time I went over, he was already making dinner with his kid, and said in passing that I could drop by if I am hungry. And in general, he says things like 'We are at home tomorrow if you want to drop by sometime during the day to meet my daughter". It was an attempt to be CASUAL and just LIVE MY LIFE and put the ONUS on HIM to drop by.

And theoretically that is what I was supposed to be doing from MY end too.

Making my borscht which I have done every year for the past three years, without waiting for some guy to say which day was good for him. Working at home like NORMAL and just rewarming the borscht for dinner for myself the first couple nights after I make it (what doesn't go directly in the freezer), and NOT re-inviting him for a particular night. Going about my LIFE without factoring him into it.

I am not SUPPOSED TO BE listening for the doorbell any moment. I am supposed to be focussed on my cooking, and my work and my social life. But I am NOT doing a GOOD JOB at that. Stupid me. I have set it up, He is NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW I am in any way waiting for him. But rather that if he doesn't come up with a set time I will go ahead and do what I want, and he better get his ass in gear if he wants to join in. That is how it was supposed to go.

You see?


Anyways, as someone who works every night when others loll around after work, I am generally unavailable. I am always working. People say 'you are never available for a relationship". I don't seem to be able to win.

As for tonight, I am not waiting around. I will work this afternoon, I will go to the gym, I will go out to the Me*ow Mi*x and go dancing with the gals. And yes, even though I am not available I will wonder if he will drop by, or call, or whatever. I am a ditz. What can I say. ack.

OK OK. I just wish he lived across town or in another country. Then I'd just wait for a phonecall or an email.


As for INDEPENDENT WENCHIE... when did y'all start reading my diary? Sheesh, the first year and a half of it were me bemoaning the demise of my relationship with ob and MOANING at ALL TIMES OF DAY how much I MISSED HER.... non??

OK, tah.
Gotta walk the dog and pick up my bike at the bike shop.

To my credit, I will also point out that though I knocked on his door to ask that he help fix my brake cable so I didn't kill myself riding down the hill in the snow, when he was on the phone when I knocked, I immediately turned about face and said 'ok, I can't wait I gotta get to the bank, bye' and he signed off his phone call with 'a friend is here and really needs me to help with their bike right now, I'll call you back". I do think that shows I wanted his help but also that I wasn't willing to stand there for an hour and mess up my schedule waiting for him. non??


ps, smoking the hookah, eating melted cheese and jerking off DOES help one sleep.
Just a tip.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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